Good Morning Anita, yes please feel free to ask me anything. I am really sorry if my english is bad as it is not my first language.

1. The relative that I am currently staying with is my great-grandaunt and her husband’s side family which I am not familiar with actually.

2. There are days where I am actually really busy with work, and I am not in a good headspace because of the stress I give myself. They will often give me task to do which I am okay with it but I don’t see them helping or doing anything and it felt kinda unfair to me and I feel bad feeling that way so I will just get it done and over with.

Based on what they have told me, its their house. I am just renting there so I am not allowed to cook. But that doesn’t mean I get free dinner, i will need to order food delivery services or make something really simple like overnight oats etc.

3. My boss doesn’t know about it. I am currently taking over the receptionist job so I am working downstairs, this hate speech happened when they came down for a smoke break. I did not told my boss about it, I didn’t want to make the situation worst so I just let them scold me, its fine.

4. We live one border away, so I will usually go back when I have the time as it takes about 4 hours drive.

Thank you for answering Anita, please do take care of yourself and Stay Safe.

Dear Anita,

I am currently living in Singapore. But due to the lockdown, I am unable to leave home or move around. It wasn’t that bad before the lockdown as it will take me 2 hours to commute to work back and forth so I am only home to shower and sleep. Now that I am home 24/7 , I get really anxious. I can’t sleep nor eat.

I wanted to go back home to Malaysia, but they closed the border and my boss does not recommend us to go back. A lot has lost their job due to the lockdown so I am trying to hold on to faith. I can’t quit my job, as my family is facing financial problems and I am only working in Singapore just to pay my brother’s bachelor degree tuition fee. Personally, Singapore is a stressful place. The competition and the office politics is really bad.

I did set a timing though, once I am done paying my brother’s tuition fee, I will head back to Malaysia.

Thank You Anita.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Giminie.

Hi Anita, the following paragraph will have some trigger warning.

I’m going to side track a little. I had few mental breakdowns last night. After work I was really tired. So I did not get dinner, I played online games with my family for awhile and then head to bed. I was really sleepy but I couldn’t sleep AT ALL. Not even a wink, I had bad anxiety attack, I just broke down, I just feel so stressed out, like I couldn’t breathe. I used to self harm whenever I have suicidal thoughts but I was clean for almost 6-7 years now. But yesterday, the temptation to do something to end my life was real. Like I really forgotten of all my priorities and responsibilities and I just want to end it. I am really tired.

Back to answering your questions,

There is a few packages to help families and students but my family are not eligible to get it, which is sad. My brother is not eligible to get the caring package because he is studying overseas. If he is Malaysia then he will prolly get it. That is why I have to support him which me working in singapore. I used to work in Malaysia but their pay is too little to help my brother.

‘I hope that you can leave Singapore and be back in Malaysia sooner than later.’ , I do wish the same too. It will be probably in another month or two. I just hope I am able to hold onto it. I so afraid to lose myself.

Another side story, yesterday while I was working. My grandaunt came in to the room, and made a commotion about my room. That is fine, as every mother/ aunt ever. But she started complaining that I uses the fan too much, she would want me to not on the fan. But there is no air conditioning in the room and the weather here is really hot and humid. Sigh.

I just wish she is a little understanding, at least my stay will be bearable.

Thank You Anita! I will consider telling my boss about it the next time.

I will appreciate you replying me Anita, I really do. Thank you.

Hi Anita,

I did try to understand her perspective but I am paying for a rent still so I am allowed to use. It is not like she is fully paying everything? I do not understand her actions, my mum told me to just ignore her.

Actually, Malaysians are allowed to go back to Malaysia but we will need to apply it online 2 days before and get the approval first. But I am afraid that if I go back, I will lose my job. I am working in HR and Admin department and in my department there is another Malaysian who is currently fully working from home in Malaysia. My boyfriend says that if she can do that, why not I do the same?

I really do wish to do the same too but, Anita please do advise me if I am wrong, I still go back to office on weekends to bring documents back home to work on and I just started working here on December. I do not want to leave any impression of me being irresponsible or lazy or that I am not doing any work. I don’t know if its my anxiety talking or its just me being responsible. My boyfriend told me that he will give me 5 months worth of the amount that I give my brother and he just wants me to be back home, he says and I quote ‘Let me buy your health and happiness, this is really not the way.’ But I told him this is not the way. I know I will still get anxiety even when I am back home.

I needed to hear that!! I really got angry at myself for not being able to sleep. Like why am I not making it easy for me? Its just sleeping. I will try to lay underneath the window tonight!! Thank you, I tried so many ways last night, I slept at 1 and woke up at 4.

Thank you. It will take a month or two until the border reopens unless I apply to go back earlier and do swab test while they quarantine me. I am still in dilemma.

I appreciate you Anita. Please have a great day / night 🙂

Dear DharmaSeed,

Your reply means a lot to me. I sincerely appreciate it.

Its hard looking for a job in Singapore, I graduated with a degree in Singapore but in terms of looking for a job. They will usually reject me because I am Malaysian even after having some experience. This is my first job in Singapore, I felt like I just grab any opportunity given so that I could help my family but at the same time, working here is draining my energy away. I wake up with anxiety attack on a daily basis, I am so tired. I thought it was just an early stage thing but I have been here for 5 months and I am still having anxiety attack.

What energizes and recharges me? I am not sure. I usually listen to this group named BTS. Their songs healed my soul in a lot of way. If I were to give a situation song, it will be Paradise. And the lyric goes,

” We borrow dreams from others (Like a debt)
We learn that we need to become great (Like a light)
Your dream. Is actually a burden
If having a future is the only dream existing
Then what is the dream you had last night in your bed?
It’s alright if the name of the dream is different
Be it buying a laptop next month Or just eating and sleeping
Not doing anything at all yet still having a lot of money
Who says a dream must be something grand, Just become anybody
We deserve a life. Whatever big or small, you are you after all “

Thank you for being so sweet. I felt like I have no choice. I really do wish to take a break from everything, life. But my responsibilities and priorities is too heavy to do so.

Thank you for your advise, I will think of what energizes me or recharges me.

Please take care and stay safe always.