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Do I leave my 9 year relationship?

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  • February 5, 2019 at 3:46 pm #278765
    SpirtualScorpio
    Participant

    I’m desperate for some insightful advice about my current situation…I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years now. He is 3 years younger than me ( I’m 28 and hes 25)

    I do love him with all my heart because he accepts my weirdness and we can just be ourselves and be silly when we’re together but it feels like he’s a different person when I’m not around.

    Most of our relationship, he has lied to me constantly about how he can’t control himself when it came to objectifying women. He was watching porn the entire relationship even though he knew that it was a deal breaker for me.  I told him if that’s what he wants for his life then don’t drag me along because I knew what I wanted in life and I knew I would never want to deal with that as we grew together… but that’s exactly what he did and he gave me false hope that ge can change.

     

    From finding out he was texting a female coworker he was close to but deleting the texts so I wouldn’t get mad or making me look like an idiot while he was checking girls out with his coworkers at the college he works at( I found out when he butt dialed me and was talking to his coworkers about how nice a girls ass was) my feelings are so mixed. I have this deep hate for him for all the pain he’s put me through. From all the fights and yelling but also the crying and him breaking down and telling me he loves me so much and he has a problem. We’ve gone to Therapy a few times which has helped only a little bit and I know he still wants to continue Therapy to resolve his issues but at the same time it feels like he’s only doing it for me. Should he be wanting it for himself too?

    I’m so scared to leave someone I know I love so much but how do you know if it’s already too late? If the damage is already done can you even heal? I feel so broken, useless, not enough even though he’s been trying to make things right for the last 4 months. Should I continue this war going on in my mind & heart? If anyone has seen things get better, I just need to know. I feel hopeless…

     

    Thank you for anyone that took the time to read this or even respond.  It’s the worst feeling like this and feeling so alone

    February 5, 2019 at 4:12 pm #278863
    Valora
    Participant

    We’ve gone to Therapy a few times which has helped only a little bit and I know he still wants to continue Therapy to resolve his issues but at the same time it feels like he’s only doing it for me. Should he be wanting it for himself too?

    I’m so scared to leave someone I know I love so much but how do you know if it’s already too late? If the damage is already done can you even heal? I feel so broken, useless, not enough even though he’s been trying to make things right for the last 4 months. Should I continue this war going on in my mind & heart? If anyone has seen things get better, I just need to know. I feel hopeless…

    Therapy is definitely not as effective if you aren’t doing it for yourself, but do you think it’s possible he may be doing it for both of you (himself, too), because hopefully he’d understand that NO woman would prefer a man who does the things he had been doing… even if a girl says she doesn’t care, it’s always better when they have eyes only for you.

    I feel like 4 months is a short amount of time as far as therapy goes, especially if you’ve only gone a few times. Do you go weekly?  Do you know if he’s continued that behavior in the last 4 months or has he tried to curb it?

    February 5, 2019 at 4:55 pm #278865
    Mark
    Participant

    SpiritualScorpio,

    His misogynist behavior and attitude is part of him.  This is his issue for therapy not for you as a couple.  As the saying goes, it’s not your rock to carry.

    He was 16 and you, 19 when you two got together which was very young to start and continue on a relationship.  Those ages are time for exploration, discovery and maturation.  We try out new things, new experiences, new relationships to learn and grow.  I believe that both of you sell yourselves short if you don’t do that with others.

    Your issue is how much do you value yourself and willing to accept this behavior.  He’s not going to change and it’s not your job to change him.  He has to do it himself, for himself.  You have to decide if you want to tolerate such person to be your disrespectful boyfriend.

    Mark

    February 6, 2019 at 1:55 am #278901
    marianna
    Participant

    Totally agree with Mark.  You teach people how to treat you, and if your (very reasonable) boundaries are not honoured then it’s time to hold your head high, and seek the person who will.  It’s taken me a long time to understand this, and while it’s not easy to put your own needs and truth first, there is a great difference between selfishness and self preservation. How much are you prepared to lose?

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