fbpx
Menu

Depressed and Losing Hope… Help

HomeForumsTough TimesDepressed and Losing Hope… Help

New Reply
Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #143975
    sadpeach
    Participant

    I’ve been increasingly depressed for about 8 months now and beginning to lose hope. I’ve had a rough year, and when I tell friends everything I’m going through they’re stunned that I’m managing.

    My boyfriend broke up with me a year ago and I was thriving at first, but then a wave of grief came over me in about August-September and hasn’t left since. It manifested in a bit of a weight gain, and around the same time issues with my family got worse. My mom has been mentally a little “off” for most of my life, but fell into a psychosis in November and has been a mess since. My dad got her into the doctors to change meds and get back into therapy, but nothing has really worked. She’s recently developed a lot of toxic behaviors, like doing extreme things to get attention and abusing alcohol.

    My father has a lung disease that can’t be cured, and while he’s currently sort of “ok”, his life expectancy is compromised and his health is not the best. If he were to get an infection, there’s a chance it could be fatal.

    My other sister has a lot of mental issues, one mainly being schizophrenia. She is 29 and has been in and out of jobs and suffers from serious delusions and paranoia. Unfortunately because she can’t keep a job, she can’t get health insurance and get treatment. She finally just moved to Portland to live with my other sister and hopefully get some care there.

    My OTHER sister has an autoimmune disease that could potentially be fatal one day too. She also suffers from mental illness and cannot work.

    I can’t stop gaining weight from stress, over eating, and I also sometimes binge eat. I’m trying to keep that under control as to not let it become another stressful burden in my life. But I’ve gained 15-20 lbs this past year after being a stick my whole life. I suffer from severe body, weight, and food issues. I’m trying to normalize it because I know it stems from everything I’m going through. However, part of me thinks it might be a hormonal imbalance because those things can go hand in hand with depression.

    I just feel like I have a perfect storm of a shitty life right now. My boyfriend dumped me and my life turned to shit. My family fell apart, I gained a bunch of weight, and I’m miserable most of the time. I’m seeing a therapist but I don’t know how much it’s helping. I think it’s good to process everything I’m going through, but I don’t currently really feel any benefit. I’ve been going for a little over a month and she finally suggested yesterday for me to go on anti-depressants.

    I resent the fact that I have to “work so hard” to not be depressed. I.e., yoga, meditation, journaling, eating right, exercising, getting blood tests and going to the doctors, continue to nurture my hobbies, etc. So many small little things I have to do, whereas I used to just do whatever I wanted with no thought to it!

    I have boundaries with my family for the most part, but my issues with my mother are fairly pertinent lately and my Dad needs my help on what to do sometimes. He does not demand any help of me but I can’t let him go through this alone. He’s the only one at my house with my mother. I’ve even offered to come move home and take care of her/help out if we end up needing to put her in a facility or rehab of some sort.

    Life just sucks right now. I feel like a failure. I never saw myself in this position, I never ever ever thought I’d need antidepressants. I DON’T want to take them, as I feel like my depression is mainly circumstantial. Today I feel a decent amount of energy and positivity, but they are few and far between. Whenever I have a good day I think I’m on the “up and up” but then something happens and it brings me back down. I so badly want to believe that this is a bad year of life and that something amazing is waiting for me on the other side. What do I do? Have any of you beat your depression? What did you do?

    • This topic was modified 7 years, 7 months ago by sadpeach.
    #144013
    Harmen Breedeveld
    Participant

    Dear Tessa,

    I read your story. Thank you for sharing it! I have struggled much with depression in my life; I too come from a struggling family.

    I send you love and warm hugs from the Netherlands. We will both keep going on, one day at a time.

    Some days will be better, other will be worse. That is ok. Life is long and at her own good time she will be beautiful again.

    Love, A Dutchie

     

    #144021
    VJ
    Participant

    Dear Tessa,
    I believe the below post was yours and around the same issue and I will suggest you the same thing that I had suggested you earlier.
    (http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/its-all-coming-to-a-head-so-depressed/)
    I suggest you to try taking a look at ‘The Healing Codes’.

    Dr. Alex Loyd developed a technique after his wife Tracey “Hope” Loyd had severe depression for several years and couldn’t find anything to cure it.

    The full details of the technique is available in The Healing Codes book-
    (https://www.amazon.com/Healing-Code-Minutes-Success-Relationship/dp/1455502006)

    The book has everything you need but if you do not have the time and patience to wait till you finish the book (because, apart from the actual technique the book also explains the how/why of everything) and if you have the required financial capabilities then you can also consider Personal Coaching on this process, which is done by a Certified Healing Codes Practitioner. You will get all of that information from their official website (below).

    You can recommend (or even do on behalf of) your near and dear ones who are having health issues based on your description above. This particularly has a healing effect when you do it for others.

    Official Website:
    www(dot)thehealingcodes(dot)com

    Moreover, the same technique can also be used for your multiple issues.
    (http://thehealingcodes.com/success-stories/)

    Therapists are going to do the same techniques like these (or similar energy healing techniques).

    If you are able to go to them then do so or at least learn these self help techniques and equip yourself to face the life challenges and sail through them.

     

    Warm Regards,
    VJ

     

    #144057
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tessa:

    October 14 of last year you wrote: “my mother is a narcissist”- that was previous to your evaluation that she is psychotic. The reasons you thought of her then as a narcissist can explain why your siblings (as well as you, currently) became as troubled as you all are.

    You repeatedly wrote in that thread that you had a perfect childhood: “for the most part we (siblings and you) all agree that we had a perfect childhood”- couldn’t be the truth, not possible.

    You wrote on that thread: “I’m afraid… I’m going to be the only one who has a shred of genetic normalcy to keep this family afloat”- if the mental health troubles in your family was genetic, then you wouldn’t have that “genetic normalcy”- but your mother being narcissistic, by your own evaluation, leads me to think the mental health troubles were borne out of poor parenting, a far less-than-perfect childhood.

    You wrote: “I am SO blessed and grateful to turn out the way that I have. I am so lucky to not be plagued with severe mental illness”- do you still feel that way?

    You wrote: “I can’t in right consciousness just completely distance myself from my family, but I also… find myself getting wrapped up into the narrative of all the insanity.”

    I suggest gaining more insight into your childhood, and perhaps, save yourself from further deterioration by doing farther distancing from your family, because, as you feared, you are “getting wrapped up into the narrative of all the insanity.”

    anita

     

    #144073
    sadpeach
    Participant

    Anita, your reply kind of frustrates me. It is not an easy path, especially when my Mother is suffering from severe issues that continue to get worse and at times I feel like I need to provide somewhat of an ear to my father, or to offer help. It is difficult thinking to myself I can’t go and visit the home I was raised in to see my father (who I have a very healthy and positive relationship with) or my family dog, or just my childhood home that I love and find comfort in. Am I just really supposed to cut off my whole family completely while they’re all suffering?

    To add — no, I do not feel lucky to not be plagued with mental illness — because yes, I am depressed now in contrast to that post you’re referencing. Thank you for reminding me that I’ve gotten worse. Unfortunately, none of your response helps me to feel slightly comforted, only a reminder that I have indeed gotten worse.

    #144097
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Tessa,

    I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.  I understand your response to Anita’s suggestion to distance yourself from your family, but I would have to agree with her idea that it’s what would be best for you.  Don’t be discouraged by this idea though, hear me out…  As the seemingly only stable individual in your family you have been saddled with a huge amount of responsibility!  You may feel honor bound to such a burden, which is very admirable, but it’s very destructive to you.

    I myself suffer from codependency.  This has lead me to suffer in many of my own relationships where I have taken on the role of caregiver hoping that if I can just make everything perfect and other people happy, then maybe I will deserve to be happy myself.  This enabling behavior has allowed others to take advantage of me.  They get what they want or need ( I was married to a narcissist who abused her power over me ) and my wants or needs are never met.  It’s a vicious circle that just continues to spiral downward until a person is consumed with sadness and self doubt, doomed to never find happiness.

    Do you notice a sort of parallel in your behavior and my own?  You are setting aside your own wants and needs that are vital to your own happiness.  You shouldn’t have to be a martyr for your family in order to deserve their love or anyone else’s love.

    I teach Basic Life Support and Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation.  One of the things we teach people is to make sure that the scene is safe and you aren’t putting yourself at risk when trying to rescue someone.  I can’t save someone else if I get get myself hurt first.  Same thing applies here.  You are suffering and need to get yourself safe, happy and healthy first if you hope to help anyone else.

    Sadly, the people in your family have some major issues, but in the end they are all adults who are responsible for their own lives.  Yes, it’s okay to need and ask for help, but in this case they are draining you of your very existence.  It may be difficult to stand by and watch as they struggle, but it’s also good for them to realize the boundaries and limitations of a healthy relationship.

    I hope this puts things into a better perspective for you.  I would love to hear your thoughts…

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #144105
    sadpeach
    Participant

    Ramon, thank you for your insight. My mother is definitely a narcissist and I’m starting to realize that my boyfriend that dumped me was one as well. I’m also co-dependent. You are very accurate in everything that you just said.

    I think the worst part is that the stark contrast between my father and everyone else — my father is my hero. He has been through so much and still also acts like myself by trying to help and remain positive every day. He doesn’t seem to have the mental genes that are on my mom’s side, so he really isn’t very depressed and feels lucky to wake up every day and shows it through positivity and gratitude. He’s the type of person I strive to be! I know he’s told me in the past that if I even need to “cut him off” for my own sanity that it’s ok, as he is so amazingly understanding, but I just love him so much and I also rely on his guidance and support. The downside is that he does “vent” to me at times about everything going on, so if I talk to him, I also tend to get some of the news about my mother or sisters. He doesn’t put it on me though, he only tells me when I ask. Should I cut off contact with him too? Or maybe just make sure we never talk about the family? I think he’s also looking out for me by being supportive of my separation.

    The thing is, this is only one aspect of my pain. It is also the break up that I’m still facing and the subsequent weight gain from all the stress. And for whatever reason, the weight gain is the thing that drives me crazy the most! Probably because I can’t ignore it and am faced to see myself in the mirror every day. I have this idea that I’ll be happy again once I lose the weight and therefore able to deal with my other problems as well. However, I think the other problems are at the stem of it. So maybe you and Anita are right, and maybe truly cutting them off might be best in the long run. I just want so badly to be happy again and free of this weight (mental AND physical).

    #144107
    RamoneJoseph
    Participant

    Hi Tessa,

    I’m glad that I could help you see things from a different perspective.  If you feel like you have a healthy relationship with your father, then by all means continue to pursue it.  I think it’s a very good idea to set limitations and boundaries with him also though.  Even healthy relationships should have mutual understanding of what’s okay and what isn’t.  Another concern I would have is for your father himself.  If your mom is truly a narcissist, then it will not have left your father without some damage.  Is he perhaps also codependent?  Does he have enabling behaviors towards the rest of the family?  At the very least I can assume by your description that he’s an empath…  He may benefit from some distance himself and maybe some help from outside for both of you.

    When thinking about your break up I’m going to give you a huge piece of advice that I’m just now slowly realizing for myself.  LOVE YOURSELF FIRST!!!  I’m sure you’ve heard this from a dozen different people and it sounds very confusing and you’re wonder where to even start?  I was there a few months ago…  I’m still working on this but I’m making progress every day.  I think that the codependency in us gives us this horrible feeling that we’re incomplete without being in a relationship.  The truth is that you’re going to have to break away from that addiction to need to make someone else happy and learn to be your own person.  I’d be happy to talk to you about my experiences, just be aware it’s very hard and you are going to still have a lot of shitty days while you heal and begin to take control of your life and happiness.

    Your weight gain is the result of your coping mechanism.  We often choose something unhealthy to drown ourselves in to numb the emotions to a tolerable level.  Unfortunately the only way through is to actually experience the pain and hell we’re hiding from.  It may take some time before you find the full strength to address the feelings that have pushed you into an addictive behavior.  My own problem was with alcohol.  I was drinking almost daily to obliterate my emotions.  It’s a hard fight, but at some point you will want to change and at the pivot point you’ll begin to make progress.  Rule number one be critical of yourself as motivation, but do not hate yourself if you slip!  Brush yourself off and give it another go.

    Important things I’ve learned:

    Don’t focus on the past too much.  You can’t time travel to fix it, so there’s no sense in constantly wondering about the ifs ands or buts…  learn from it and move on.

    Don’t get tied up too far in the future.  Constantly worrying about where you’re going to be and what’s going to happen will make you absolutely crazy and frightened to do anything for fear of messing up.

    Live in the present.  Take each day in little pieces.  Get organized and plan your days deliberately.  This proves to yourself that you are in charge of your own life and happiness.  Try to set small goals and celebrate yourself when you make it!!!  you will begin to make tiny little changes to your life, but they eventually all add up into positive triumphs and beautiful feelings of love for yourself.

    Believe that  as you become more and more positive you will get stronger and healthier and it will show.  You will attract more positivity, good things, and even that person to love…

    Hang in there!

    wishing you health and happiness,

    Ramone

    #144135
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Tessa:

    I’ve been aware a few threads ago that you don’t like my suggestion. Let me know if you choose to consider it in the future. Until then, I will let you be. Best wishes to you!

    anita

    #144171
    Inky
    Participant

    Dear Tessa,

    You are (perhaps instinctively) trying to hold your whole family together. What I would do is piecemeal. I would make it your mission to help your father. If you are to give time, $$$ and resources, help him. He’s the one with a lung issue that won’t get better. My FIL had emphysema, and you’ll (eventually) need to get a nurse and helper (to clean and run errands) in there (as your mother may not have the capacity).

    Yes, I’m also essentially telling you to let your mother and sisters “hang themselves”. Because you can only handle one wounded bird at a time.

    Later, when your father passes, THEN perhaps help the sister with the auto-immune disease.

    The other sister and your mother? If they are adults they can legally make their own decisions. My mother occasionally checks up on her cousin who has a mental illness but there is nothing she can do. My mom is at peace with that, and follows her intention to help out/check up only occasionally. AND IS AT PEACE WITH THAT. Profound peace perhaps, but there is wisdom in that approach.

    Blessings,

    Inky

    #144147
    Melanie
    Participant

    Hi Tessa

    I saw an old post of yours from late last year about feeling stressed with so many mentally ill family members after googling ‘my whole family is mentally ill’.

    I actually made an account just to respond to u. can relate a lot to what you’re going through and haven’t come across anyone else in a similar position.

    First off I think you need to try hard to distance yourself from your family. Your Dad can and must cope with your mother who is his priority now that his kids are adults. It is not your job to shoulder everything, especially with your sisters. If you don’t take the drastic approach I am suggesting, you could end up seriously physically or mentally ill due to stress and won’t be your best self to attract the right life partner to start a new life with where u can avoid making the same mistakes and help any children u may have to develop tools to stave off mental illness as much as possible. your first duty is to make the most of your life.

    I have a lot of mentally ill family members and the only relatively normal person is my Dad and of course my husband is totally normal. My sister-in-law killed herself, my brother wants to kill himself and is in and out of hospital and completely borderline, has anxiety and depression, is spoilt and dependant on parents and so strange and autistic he seems to be like an alien life form, mother is paralcoholic, anxious, histrionic narcissist, and mother-in-law has psychosis (rambles about past lives, sees supernatural activity, mixes up tenses and is somewhat autistic, highly dependant, limited empathy and delusional and depressive.)

    To make matters worse, our parents were all raised in rich families with tonnes of servants where they were spoilt rotten in a foreign country and praised for having fair skin, but are now only middle class migrants in the western country we live in and struggle with severe entitlement, superiority/inferiority complex, maladjustment to western society, being narcissistic, spoilt, emotionally dysfunctional and as you can see from the 2 out of 4 kids being suicidal and unable to cope, both sets of parents severely lacking in parenting ability.

    i have nobody to talk to because nobody can relate. Am pregnant and looking after a toddler but wonder about the future as everyone inn my family other than hubby is physically unable to do thinge due to age, stiffness, laziness, arthritis, depression, incompetence and selfishness.

    They can’t even drive, except for my mum and mum in law but they only drive to their local shops and mum in law can’t even drive at night. They are both 60. They think driving is either scary or the job of servants and a huge imposition. My brother and father choose not to drive and have no licence.

    I can’t believe my husband and I are the only well and healthy and independent people in the whole family but am grateful for our health.

    If you ever need to chat, I’m here.

     

     

     

     

    #144149
    Melanie
    Participant

    By the way tessa, am sorry for rambling about my own issues. Just wanted to tell you you’re not alone. But you are going through a great deal and I hope I didn’t seem to diminish your plight.  You are strong enough to steer yourself back on track. The fact you have observed all that you have, and attempted to regulate your emotional health all the ways you have done so all tell me clearly you are resilient and strong! You’re not failing. Normal people put on weight when stressed. Normal people go through depressions when faced with bad circumstances. You are healthy and normal. You’re reaching out. You need to shift your way of thinking to prioritise your own mental health and give up your sense of responsibility towards all the other adults in your life. You’re not God. You’re made of flesh and bones, you have a limited time to have a good life on earth. Mentally ill people are not in a position to be a healthy influence and unless you are in peak condition it is dangerous to be actively involved. You do sound codependent, like me, btw. I’m working on that myself

    #144441
    sadpeach
    Participant

    Melanie,

    WOW. I can’t tell you enough how much of a weight that lifted off my shoulders. I feel as if you are the only person I’ve met thus far who really gets it. I know a lot of people have one or two “problem” family members, but when its nearly all of your immediate family, it’s on a whole other level that most don’t quite get. Thank you for sharing. You were absolutely not diminishing my plight, I really felt a relief in knowing that I’m not alone.

    It has taken some months for me to really realize that this separation is what is needed. Unfortunately, I think things are only going to get worse. You really hit me with the “your first duty is to make the most of your life”. I think I have been spending a lot of time recently trying to fight what is, or being a victim to my circumstances. I really just need to let go, and this past week I’ve felt a lot of pressure off my shoulders because of that. Definitely not trying to hurt anyone, but this is MY LIFE and I want to live it in a healthy and happy environment.

    Thank you so much again.

    Also, Inky, I like your strategy. I think that is kind of how I’m going to do things if possible.

Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.