October 25, 2023 at 7:18 am #423722DanielleParticipant
I want to begin by saying I have been with my boyfriend for almost ten years now, and most of those years have been extremely happy and fun. BUT. My boyfriend and I have a very different way of dealing with problems. I face them head on, and he funnels them down until they eventually boil over – often times rather chaotically. He’s never been emotional or physically abusive to me, but when something is bothering him, he often picks fights with me over small, insignificant things. For the most part, it’s manageable and we eventually laugh it off- until recently.
He is the foreman on this project at work and the crew he was assigned need to be micromanaged and constantly told what to do. On top of that, they are lazy and sneak off often, leaving him either looking for them, or picking up their slack. He feels under appreciated, frustrated and overwhelmed, and I totally get it and I feel for him. However, it has gotten to the point where, every single day, he brings this home with him and in some way, takes it out on me.
I admit I am extremely sensitive to others energy, so I am doing everything I possibly can to not take every single snap personal. But as you can imagine, this can be challenging – not only because it’s unfair, but because I also have very challenging work days and oftentimes am frustrated about it. But I have gotten to the point of being able to leave work frustrations at the door. We’re not getting paid on our time off, so why waste those valuable minutes being upset about tomorrow? I agree that some days, you just have to vent.
I have gotten in the habit of asking him (and well, everyone) when they are venting if they want my advice, or just want my ear, because I know sometimes people just want to be heard and not be given advice. Each and every time I ask him them, the answer varies – and that’s okay; however, no matter which way I respond (or not) – it is wrong and it sets him off and he ends up mad at me.
We had our share of problems, as most relationships do, but ever since he has been working this job, everything is a mess. Nothing I say or do is right and it’s completely affecting our relationship overall. I want to talk to him about it, likely via a note so there is no argument, but I know I need to do it gently and not make it about me – at least I don’t think it is. He has been (and well I hope still is) a very kind soul with a big heart and any arguments were small and brief and ALWAYS worked out as quickly as possible. But since he’s taken on this role at work, with the crew he has, he’s almost become.. mean? It’s all consuming to him and I don’t know what to do or how to get through to him – and if I could, I don’t even know how or what to say. I don’t want to leave him, but I don’t want to feel the way I do, either. And him just quitting the job isn’t an option, for a number of reasons. I don’t know how long the job will run, and I’m scared that this is just who he’s become, even though my better judgment is telling me that’s not true. Time is so precious, I would hate to look back with regret.
I know this is a little chaotic in itself, I guess I am just grasping at straws and hoping someone out there might be able to point me in the direction to help save both my sanity as well as his, and our relationship.
Thank you in advance 🙂October 25, 2023 at 8:41 am #423724anitaParticipant
Welcome back to the forums with your 8th thread, EIGHT YEARS, four months and 15 days after your last post of June 10, 2015, on your 8th thread “Letting go of the past“. My first reply to you was on that thread in June 9, 2015.
You wrote back then (6-9-2015) about yourself and about the same man, your current boyfriend of 10 years: “I love bettering myself, and I am willing to do the work to get there.. he has inspired me to be better“.
Currently, your “very kind soul with a big heart” boyfriend is consumed with a very challenging situation at work, and “he’s almost become.. mean?“, you wrote. But you know that he’s not mean. Finding another job is not an option, you say.
Finding new ways for him to lessen and manage the heightened stress level inherent in his current job is necessary, isn’t it?
anitaOctober 25, 2023 at 8:48 am #423725DanielleParticipant
hi Anita! I remember you, thank you for you insight again. I definitely want to help him figure out how to deal with this – for himself as well as me. If you have any ideas, I am all ears to try them! He is kind, but he is a stubborn person, as well. (as we all can be) so I don’t want to push and it blow up in my face.October 25, 2023 at 9:15 am #423727anitaParticipant
“If you have any ideas, I am all ears to try them! He is kind, but he is a stubborn person, as well. (as we all can be) so I don’t want to push and it blow up in my face”-
In your original post, you wrote: “My boyfriend and I have a very different way of dealing with problems. I face them head on, and he funnels them down until they eventually boil over – often times rather chaotically.. every single day, he brings this home with him and in some way, takes it out on me“-
– Make a rule: every single day when he gets home from work, he has to take a hot (or cold) shower- before or after he eats- and lie down for 20 minutes, listening to his choice of calming music. If you are home/ when you get home, add a relaxing massage to this 20-minute practice while work stuff is NOT discussed at all.