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Crisis du e

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  • This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.
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  • March 30, 2019 at 2:39 pm #287023
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Ai,

    Cultural traditions are very strong. It sounds like it was OK for him to be modern and independent when he was young, but now that he’s older…

    It sounds like he wants you to break up.

    Would he marry you if you said, “YES! In fact I will move across the world and have our children live in poverty if it means being with you!”..?

    I suggest you cut bait and fairly immediately get in a serious relationship with a new person if you want kids.

    Best,

    Inky

    March 30, 2019 at 3:13 pm #287025
    Mark
    Participant

    Ai,

    I agree with Inky.

    You have been with this man for 5 years.  It appears that you did not have an open, honest, and close relationship otherwise he would have told you how important his cultural traditions are, how he expected you to obey him and follow him anywhere, or even have taken you to meet his parents during those 5 years together.

    You can love him from a distance as a friend but as a long term partner who respects you and thinks of you as a true partner, he has proven that he is not the one.

    Right now you are reeling from this turnabout from the man you thought you knew during those 5 years and emotionally distraught.   Kick in your rational mind for that will give you a clearer perspective.  Your ex boyfriend is correct in saying that not only his country is not right for you but being tied to him is not right for you either.

    Mark

    March 31, 2019 at 12:53 am #287061
    Ai
    Participant

    Dear Inky,

    Thank you for your reply and advice.

    He said before we take serious steps in our relationship we need to resolve these issues.

    Also he said that he doesn’t know how to make everyone satisfied and that he was thinking to go to therapist.

    Last I saw him I asked him what he wants from me and if he wants to break up permanently he should tell me right away and not telling me we need a break.

    He said he wants me to move with him to his country but he knows he can’t ask this from me as I would be unhappy with his family and their requirements.

    I feel like he did not even give me a chance to meet his culture.

     

     

     

    March 31, 2019 at 1:19 am #287067
    Ai
    Participant

    Dear Mark,

    Thank you for your reply.

    You are right I will have to move on and forget. I think something changed during past year because he was not so radical about his parents and culture before. But he wasn’t honest and when I think about it he didn’t talk to me openly when I asked him where is our relationship heading many times. He said he wants me in his future and have a family with me but did not act like that.

    Thank you, Ai

     

     

     

     

    March 31, 2019 at 7:20 am #287073
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ai:

    You wrote: “I feel like he did not even give me a chance to meet his culture”-

    – it is a nice word, “culture” when it comes to traditional foods and a family sitting together having a traditional meal in a home decorated in a certain traditional way. But when culture is about parents raising their children (usually older son, if I understand correctly) as investments, so that when their children are of a certain age, they will take care of their parents forevermore, then it is about parents owning their children for life, investing and reaping their return-on-investment.

    “There is a huge pressure from his parents as they expect him to take care of his siblings and them. He said that he owes his parents..”- that is what they instilled in him, that he owes them.

    I suppose he enjoyed a temporary freedom from being owned by his parents when he lived in Europe and now he must “live with them and take care of them”

    “He said it is not life I expected for myself and for (our) kids and that he doesn’t wanna ruin my life… He said he wants me to move with him to his country but he knows he can’t ask this from me as I would be unhappy with his family and their requirements”- I think he is correct. He knows that you will be unhappy with his family and their requirements because he is unhappy with his family and their requirements.

    And I believe he is correct, that you will be unhappy living with his family, seeing how unhappy he is, for one. Basically the two of you and your children will be owned by his parents. He will be financing his parents and his siblings as he lives with you and your children, less money for you and your children.

    Maybe he was hoping throughout the years in Europe that this will not be his future, maybe he put it out of his mind best he could. It is not a future that he wanted!

    My suggestion: if you can’t convince him (without arguing) to stay in Europe with you, to free himself from this burdensome, horrible ownership, this familial slavery aka culture, then let him go. What else can you do.. his guilt and sense of owing-his-parents is just too strong.

    But living with him and with his family, that is not a life a free person would choose, only a person raised to believe it has to be done.

    anita

     

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