November 9, 2019 at 10:11 am #322239
This week I followed your advice and wrote him a letter explaining my reasons. I sent it to him and we discussed it in person after I gave him some time alone to go over it and think. He has expressed that he understands my reasons, although he is very sad and heartbroken and it all still feels like a bad dream.
He has expressed that he does not want to stay in the house as it is too painful and everything around him carries memories and emotions. He is now looking for a room and I will be staying at the house, we need to give a two month notice on it. Until he finds a place or can stay at friends, I will be staying at friends houses.
Last night I went out with friends to take my mind of things and it was great, tho at the end of the night I wanted to return home so badly and I was quite home sick but resisted the urge.
We are on good terms and I feel good about the decision. It is great to have the letter as when I experience doubt I read it to help me remember my reasons. I wish I could leave the house sooner also, as being here alone is difficult and I would like the fresh start.November 9, 2019 at 11:19 am #322243
I am not clear about the current situation: he is staying in your place while looking for a room for himself to rent elsewhere and you are not staying in your place until he moves out?
“we need to give a two month notice on it”- on what, I don’t understand?
anitaNovember 9, 2019 at 11:45 am #322245
We are renting the house we live in, and we have to give a two month notice to the landlord if we want to leave, which means that until the end of January we have to rent the house.
I am staying at a friend’s house at the moment and he is still at our place…he doesn’t have many friends so it is very hard for him to find a place to stay temporarily. He is looking for a room to rent, we agreed that I will stay in the house until the end of the contract but I will not go back until he has moved out. I hope he finds something soon but I also know he is looking hard and he really does not want to be in the house anymore.November 9, 2019 at 12:09 pm #322249
I understand. I do hope he finds a room soon, a furnished room in someone’s apartment or house should be an easy move-in. And he does like easy. I suggest you do not visit him at all for as long as he lives in the rented apartment. You shared that he likes playing computer games. I am worried that he will continue those instead of looking for a room.
I will be away from the computer for a few hours.
anitaNovember 10, 2019 at 5:43 am #322315
I wanted to add: congratulations for moving out and staying with friends. I hope this is still your plan: to give the two months notice to your landlord, and not move back in until he moves out.
Ten days ago you shred this: “I find myself dating a guy who ‘is how he is and that is never going to change’, which means that any values of mine that I have tried to integrate into the relationship have largely been rejected. I’ll give you an easy example: I want to have dinner at the kitchen table instead of on the sofa in front of the tv, so that we have some quality time to talk. After 4 years it has still been impossible to make this happen”-
– I still feel a touch of anger as I re-read this. It is such a modest request, to eat at the dinner table and yet he was too selfish to accommodate such a small request. The extent of his selfishness is extreme. You accommodated plenty his preference to stay inside the home and not go out. It is not that you asked him to go out and have dinner at a restaurant outside the home, you asked to have dinner at a different location inside the home. And yet, he did not accommodate that in four years!
Again, the extent of his selfishness is extreme. He told you something like: I am who I am and that is never going to change.
I suggest that you give the two months notice to the landlord ASAP and look for a place for yourself to move to in two months if not earlier because taking into account his selfishness, I am not counting on him accommodating you in any way that he says he will. He may and I hope he will, but I can’t get over the example of him refusing to eat at the dinner table with you. I ask myself: why will he do anything at all for you if he doesn’t feel like it.
I hope to read from you soon.
anitaNovember 11, 2019 at 12:45 am #322433
Thanks for your messages!
I will remain at friends houses for the time being yes, I do of course miss my house, my things, him…but that is mostly during the night, in the day I keep busy and I am trying to focus on my job and friends.
I have talked to him and he is planning on getting a temporary room and then making a plan to leave the country as he has nothing here and does not like the life here…(he is not from here himself) he does not know where he wants to go and what he wants to do and I have this urge inside to help him figure it out but I know it is not my role…
Today I gave our landlord notice on the house, tonight I will tell my ex so that he understands this is serious and there is no going back. We have had a couple of nice conversations in the past days (I go back to get some things sometimes), we have talked about the things we have enjoyed, what we have learned from each other, what we have to work on in the future… it seems very nice and amicable, but I have to be careful about his intentions with this…
I have talked to him about things like eating at the dinner table and he agrees he took me for granted, that he wished he had done things differently…but even if he would change this…I think it is too late now as I have figured out I need to be by myself.November 11, 2019 at 6:27 am #322455
You are welcome. Congratulations for giving the notice! Earlier on I thought that you own the house were he stays and he may overstay, you may feel badly kicking him out and so forth, but it being rented, the two-month Notice takes care of the problem of him overstaying- it will be between him and the landlord (although it may hurt your credit/ ability to rent a place in the future?)
“he wished he had done things differently”- so now he cares about your wish to eat at the dinner table, because he has to move out and this is, for him, a big deal. Before, he didn’t care because before the only problem was that you were unsatisfied, and that, for him.. was not a big deal.
When this is over and you live by yourself, see to it that you don’t get into a committed relationship quickly, like before. Take your time- it will be interesting time!