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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)
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  • #322433

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Thanks for your messages!

    I will remain at friends houses for the time being yes, I do of course miss my house, my things, him…but that is mostly during the night, in the day I keep busy and I am trying to focus on my job and friends.

    I have talked to him and he is planning on getting a temporary room and then making a plan to leave the country as he has nothing here and does not like the life here…(he is not from here himself) he does not know where he wants to go and what he wants to do and I have this urge inside to help him figure it out but I know it is not my role…

    Today I gave our landlord notice on the house, tonight I will tell my ex so that he understands this is serious and there is no going back. We have had a couple of nice conversations in the past days (I go back to get some things sometimes), we have talked about the things we have enjoyed, what we have learned from each other, what we have to work on in the future… it seems very nice and amicable, but I have to be careful about his intentions with this…

    I have talked to him about things like eating at the dinner table and he agrees he took me for granted, that he wished he had done things differently…but even if he would change this…I think it is too late now as I have figured out I need to be by myself.

    #322245

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    We are renting the house we live in, and we have to give a two month notice to the landlord if we want to leave, which means that until the end of January we have to rent the house.

    I am staying at a friend’s house at the moment and he is still at our place…he doesn’t have many friends so it is very hard for him to find a place to stay temporarily. He is looking for a room to rent, we agreed that I will stay in the house until the end of the contract but I will not go back until he has moved out. I hope he finds something soon but I also know he is looking hard and he really does not want to be in the house anymore.

    #322239

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    This week I followed your advice and wrote him a letter explaining my reasons. I sent it to him and we discussed it in person after I gave him some time alone to go over it and think. He has expressed that he understands my reasons, although he is very sad and heartbroken and it all still feels like a bad dream.

    He has expressed that he does not want to stay in the house as it is too painful and everything around him carries memories and emotions. He is now looking for a room and I will be staying at the house, we need to give a two month notice on it. Until he finds a place or can stay at friends, I will be staying at friends houses.

    Last night I went out with friends to take my mind of things and it was great, tho at the end of the night I wanted to return home so badly and I was quite home sick but resisted the urge.

    We are on good terms and I feel good about the decision. It is great to have the letter as when I experience doubt I read it to help me remember my reasons. I wish I could leave the house sooner also, as being here alone is difficult and I would like the fresh start.

    #321553

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I am definitely having trouble distinguishing, or separating, love from comfort/attachment. Both on his and my side. This is part of what is making it so difficult.

    The more I think the more I also believe it is best to have our last conversation regarding the relationship outside of the house, maybe at a cafe…being surrounded by all our things makes it so much more painful. Then I can go somewhere else for the night and I do not have to face his pain, as this is what makes it all so difficult for me. I will go straight to a friend who can help me and remind me of my reasons. I will let him know that this is the plan, then he can also prepare.

     

    #321473

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    I wanted to ask you about another thing…

    Last night when we started talking, I asked him if he has thought about what we had discussed 2 weeks ago when I opened up about everything. He said he had not been thinking about it, because when he did, he only came to the conclusion that this cannot work, so he would rather not think about it at all. I did not really know how to react to it, as I have been thinking about it 24/7 since…

    Is that just a coping mechanism on his side?

    #321471

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    You are right…I think the only reason it felt like a next step is because we finally agreed we need to break up and we cried so much (I had never seen him cry before). But because after that we didn’t go on to making any practical decisions regarding the break, we left things very open ended and therefore exactly where they were.

    I do not know how he will be once we do not live together anymore…I very much doubt that we can stay in touch especially at the beginning…like in any break up that only makes things harder.

    He is strong and will manage without me, last night I told him that I worry about him and he said I really shouldn’t, that he will be okay after a while, but he is just very sad this did not work out for the long term.

    I have been thinking all day about what to do next – last night brought out a lot of feelings in me: doubt about this decision, feelings of love…but I guess I am confusing this with a huge fear of separation.

    I guess it is best if tonight we discuss what is next – I think he will be hoping I changed my mind and we stay together, maybe implement some changes…but looking back at my posts I think I have to be very strong and choose to go.

    #321439

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi anita,

    Yesterday my boyfriend and I decided we were going to talk after work. I want to let you know how it went.

    I prepared very well for the conversation and it actually was very fast as this time he was also prepared mentally – I explained how I feel, why I think that many of the “issues” we have is something we cannot solve 1,2,3 but we have to respect that we are different. He agreed that seeing many of these things we cannot change, the only way is to end the relationship, so that was our conclusion. After this conversation he was very serious and quiet, would not say much except that it is a bummer and there is not much more to say. But later on we were both crying, hugging…it was very sad.

    I fought so hard with myself not to say “well maybe we can try this or that?” Because I knew it was just the moment and later I would maybe regret it. We cried for hours, then we got hungry and warmed up some food and calmed down. We started talking in more depth and decided that yeah, there are things we could definitely work on like eating at the dinner table etc. but others, like me just naturally having a much higher sex drive or wanting to build a community of people around us, was impossible for him. And I think those are the things we have to focus on…

    We both stayed at the house to sleep so we did not separate definitely, but we haven’t decided to stay together either. I think this was a very good step, but I do think we need to take the next one very soon so that we do not get used to the situation. We cried what we needed to cry together, told each other what we needed to, and now we have to make the move. I do have to say I kept thinking about all the nice things in the relationship while we were crying, doubting whether this was the right thing… but I know that was just the moment, and also seeing him cry was soso hard… I feel quite weak for not having been able to go through with it completely.

    #321063

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi Mi and anita,

    Thank you so much for your reassuring words, I can imagine it is still very difficult at times, but yes, in the long term the decision taken is what was best for you. I will write down my reasons so that I can remember at the times when I feel down.

    I am ready to deal with the hard times ahead once I have broken up. I have decided to make my move upcoming week…I see him suffering as he can see I have distanced myself a lot and there is no beauty at all in letting this go on longer like this. I don’t think I will ever feel 100% ready so I just have to rip of the bandage.

    Thank you anita for all your support. I have been reading the forum for quite a while now and I really admire how you are able to help people navigate through their problems. I will write again once I have made my move.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Yours.
    #320919

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thanks for putting that all in order, it is very useful for me to have such an overview. Breaking up will indeed be hard no matter what, that is not going to change.

    I have noticed that when I am not at home (work, family, out with friends…) I do not miss him at all and I am 100% sure of doing this – I feel like I have mentally already checked out and am even making some plans for the coming months (and I must admit, these past days I have told some people that I am breaking up, somehow it felt that saying it out loud officially might make it easier). When I get home I feel a little guilty for being soso sure and then coming home acting like all is okay, of course seeing him also stirs up some feelings and fear of separation and that is where I think the attachment plays a big role.

    Regarding your question…that would have to be discussed, but I think maybe the first weeks I will be staying at friends while he tries to find a new place and when he has found one I will come back to the house and deal with the practicalities of furniture etc. I have more income so it would be easier for me to keep living in the house for a little while longer to figure things out.

    • This reply was modified 1 month ago by  Yours.
    #320797

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you so much, I do belief this is the right approach… now, the thing I am struggling with most is finding the right moment. He has been acting very sweet, took me out for dinner, doing some things around the house…I can see he is trying. But sadly, I feel I have fallen out of love and no matter what he does, it is now too late, something inside me has already moved on.

    How do I choose the right moment? How long can I wait? I feel the longer I wait the more chance I change my mind and I don’t want to… It also feels like I am leading him on by acting okay when so many things are going through my mind. I have distanced myself emotionally to be able to go through with it, because if I start feeling too much, I know I won’t manage.

    I am planning in a lot of things in my schedule to be away from home a lot, this maybe shows him I am pulling away and he will be able to see it coming when I ask if we can have a talk? Is this a bad approach? Do I wait until I know he has some days off so he can arrange things? I am sorry to bother you so much with this!!

     

     

    #320671

    Yours
    Participant

    Thanks Anita,

    I would actually appreciate that a lot. In the past whenever I have prepared arguments he seems to always have an answer to counter them. This confuses me and makes me feel I have not been trying hard enough to fix things. The mix of seeing him sad, surprised and giving me the feeling he actually wants to try harder always results in me not being able to go through with it.

    Regarding what we have been discussing, me pointing this out results in him replying that it is just not something that comes natural to him and he can start doing it for me but he wont enjoy it. As he has said to me in the past; stop trying to fix something that isn’t broken.

    Generally I think that instead of giving him a list of things I am not happy about, I have to keep it simple – tell him I do not feel I am in love anymore…that I love him, but the strong feelings that make me want to spend my life with him are not there anymore. We are different in some ways that for me too important and we will not be able to fix them at this point, so I believe we should separate… Is this too general?

     

     

    #320621

    Yours
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    You are right… that it is something I just cannot know nor predict, just what I guess based on his feelings towards me. He has had a hard life and I feel he loves me in the ways that he knows how, but sadly that is just not enough for me.

    I think I just have to focus on myself, it will be hard enough for me once I manage/am ready to break it off. I know now it has to be done, one way or another.

     

    #320609

    Yours
    Participant

    We have built a life together over the past 4 years, given that he doesnt like to go out, we have spent most of our time just the two of us and developed everything around this. We have made plans for the future, have a house, pets… he genuinly thinks we are very happy together and all that will fall apart the moment I say the words. He does not have much of a support system and that worries me. Thinking someone loves you 100% and then they suddenly break up with you…I can imagine is very tough.

    #320599

    Yours
    Participant

    Thanks to both of you for your answers.

    I think that indeed in many aspects we are incompatible and the things we want out of a relationship are different. By me agreeing so often to giving up things I find important in a relationship, I have given him the impression that he has a lot of control to make the decisions. I have held on very strongly to the aspects that we do have in common and times that we have fun together and used them as the reason why we belong together, but the more I think about it, the more I believe these are things I can also find with someone else.

    I am terrified of not having him in my life, he is such a big part of it…but mostly I feel like a horrible person for hurting him. I have tried to break up before but I just havent been able to utter the words, it literally feels like they are stuck in my throat! Like when you scream in a dream but no noise comes out of your mouth. Why does it seem so impossible? Am I just afraid of having to deal with the aftermath? Afraid that I cant take it back? Because again…we are talking master and slave, but he really isnt a bad guy at all, just different.

    Thanks again for the advices, I have to say it is helping me a lot.

    #320571

    Yours
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes you have captured that well, very long story very short, that is the situation I find myself in, and I definitely blame myself for not owning up to my values and communicating better since the beginning. I belief that if I would have done that, we would probably not even be in this relationship (I absolutely dont want to play victim). I have not been unhappy at all, but reading back my journals of these last years, the themes are extremely repetitive, as follows:

    We are fine, stable…then I start feeling restless, I want us to do more of the things together that I enjoy like take walks, eat together, have friends in common, have more sex… for him to generally be more proactive in doing things together (he likes videogames and tv) – I explain, try to apply changes and he makes clear it is not something he finds necesary or likes, we fight, make up and forget about it – I start focusing on myself and we are again stable for a couple of months until I again start feeling like something is missing for me in the relationship.

    However I do love him…of course after all these years we have formed a close bond and we share all the things we have, so taking that final step to break a seemingly unavoidable cycle is very tough, specially when he really doesnt see why and is quite surprised I feel this way. I do belief I would benefit from some time alone for the first time in my life to work on myself and my boundries. I am however used to ending my relationships once there are no more feelings on my side, and since this time there are still feelings, it really seems impossible…

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Yours.
    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Yours.
Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 16 total)