I have been in a relationship with a lovely lady since 2014. We met through work (she is a community carer) and I am a paramedic.There was a chemistry there instantly, but both of us were married. Some years later we both commented on the fact that we had both felt something all those years before when we first met. Indeed, after I had left the property her colleague had said to her there was a definite chemistry between the two of you. She also told her closest friend exactly that a few months ago.

However, some 5 years later we started chatting through face book messenger. It turned out that 3 years before her husband had left her for a man, leaving her with 3 children and a heavy mortgage and loads of debts.

My wife and I had by now separated for a similar amount of time as well and so we arranged to meet for coffee at a local coffee shop. But the day we arranged my car broke down and so she came to my house to pick me up.

Well we got on very well and before you knew it a simple coffee had turned into a whole afternoon and early evening of chatting and laughing, but she had to go to see to her dog (who had been inside all day). But, after she left she texted me to say that she had had a lovely afternoon and she wanted to see me again; as did I.

We got on so well and we agreed to see each other the next day, she came round straight after work and only went home to shower,change and fetch her husky and I made dinner for us. So it began what started out as friendship grew stronger, intense, passionate and there wasn’t a day went by over all that time when we didn’t see each other.

As we got to know each other better she started opening up to me about the emotional and physical abuse she had suffered whilst married, and some of the whole awful saga of her marriage came out; as well as an incident when she was 15. She would cry at the drop of a hat and was so shaken the first time we kissed (which was quite a while after we had had coffee the first time) as she had never been with anyone else since she got married and found it hard to trust men and trust in general.

I do know that a lot happened during her marriage and during the break up. Her husband was gay and left her when the eldest turned 21. The night before he left her, he creeped into her room during the night, dragged her from bed whilst she was asleep and raped her anally, for which she required serious medical treatment ( this thought makes me angry and want to cry).

He was also a manipulator and would feed the kids little white lies about their mother. He used to tell them it was her fault he was leaving, as she was having affairs with several men in the village while actually she was at and was on split shifts in the morning and then in the evening.

She would be at work thinking he was at work (he was a hairdresser and his salon was attached to the house), but he wasn’t. He was leaving the kids alone and going dogging.

So, I guess she sees it as everyone who is supposed to care has turned on her. Now, she wont reveal anything to anyone, just works and then sleeps, goes to her girl friends house (they are like sisters) and probably drinks too much.

Some time after we first met she told me that when she was about 15 she was assaulted sexually by a family friend. He eventually went to prison because after her dad reported it to the police, it came out that he had been raping his mother for years and had recently raped his 12 year old sister and got her pregnant. The sister has written a book about her experiences and it mentions my lady in it. The trial judge stated that this was the worst case of sexual abuse he had ever presided over. I read the book and i cant explain the range of emotions that I felt.

But despite her issues our relationship continued to grow. Gradually, we introduced our children ( I had 2) to each other; who ironically were all friends at Primary school. Her youngest son had been my youngest sons play mate at school, but had drifted apart after they left school So neither of us were sure how the 5 of them would take to seeing thier respective parents together. But we worried in vain as they all took off were they had left off years before.

She and I continued to grow our relationship and involve the kids as much as we could.Then one day she hugged me and said to me “You brought my barriers down when no one else could”.

Her middle son helped my youngest get his first job at a BP station. We all went out loads, for pub lunches, cinema trips, we made plans and carried them out. She and I were so happy and the love grew every day, although she did find it hard to actually say outright I love you, but I could feel it every time we were together, in the way she looked at me, cuddled me or we kissed. She would say, “I am in this for the long haul, not just the short term”. Which was exactly what I was as well.

Our respective kids spent all thier time together as well. So, much so that you would think they were twins; life was indeed very good and we were so happy;more than either of us had been in years.

But, fate intervened and my estranged wife of 5 years pleaded with me to give it another go and after a lot of heart wrenching thought I felt I should. But, it was not an easy decision to make. Nor was it easy telling her. I knew the minute I broke the news to her that I had made a huge mistake. I went for counselling and so did my ex wife. We both realised after counselling that we had screwed up and admitted we were scared to let go, so we made the decision that we should part for good. But, because our kids were young we remained good friends to not allow the break up to affect them.

My lady, was heartbroken and cried for weeks ( I later found out ). The whole time I could not stop thinking of her and she was never far from my mind; nor it transpired was I from hers.

She and I got in touch again and over a period of weeks we rebuilt our friendship in baby steps. Then one day she sent me a very long text message, whilst I was at work saying that she just couldn’t let go off me as her feelings were so deep and I had to admit to her were mine. I told her I had made a huge mistake in leaving her and had realised that as soon as she had left my house in tears.

We got back together and our relationship went through a few hiccups (as you would expect) but with time it grew substantially and happiness soon returned. Even my estranged wife was so happy that I had found happiness (and for her as well).

But quite soon fate visited us again and this time it was her youngest son that was to blame. He became addicted to Cocaine, his behaviour changed and he became abusive towards her and committed petty crimes to pay for his habit.

So much so that she gave me valuable stuff (both of which were quite expensive) for safe keeping ( I still have them plus a key to her house).

The problems escalated and it culminated with him being arrested twice (the second time at his home in front of his mother) and he was taken away in a police van. I stood by her through the entire episode and even drove the pair of them to court, held her hand through the entire trial, taken them to a nice lunch afterwards.

Gradually, he got back on track and got himself a good job and works like a trojan to pay back all his debts. As he did so she became less tense, although she was still very defensive as it was her son and still worried about all the village gossip surrounding her son and his activities. But, I was still there beside her, I didn’t run away or escape what could be seen by others as a problematic family.

I stood by her through really bad times in her life and picked her up. She admitted to me that through me she had learnt to love again, to trust and I had brought her barriers down and no one else had been able to do that. But, now her other son has started creating problems by drinking and would become very abusive, at times physically.

On one evening he had gone out for a drink with my eldest son and when they came back to hers he was determined to ride his motor bike. She tried to stop him, as he was so drunk he could barely stand. But, he suddenly flipped and became extremely aggressive, squared up to my son (not a very good idea if you like walking). He suddenly turned on his mother and squared up to her. My son tried to get between them but her son then knocked his mum to the ground and as my son helped her up he grabbed his bike and vanished into the dark. My son helped her up, dried her tears and stayed with her until about 05:30 ish to make sure she was safe.

She found out that he owed quite a bit of money but he didn’t have it to pay off his creditor. So, she obtained a loan to pay it off for him, on the proviso that he pay back an agreed amount each month (this he has failed to do).

Last year she found out that to pay for his drinking and cocaine habit he took out 3 of these pay day loans (the ones with extortionate interest rates). He forged her signature on the agreements and entered her as a guarantor. She herself had no idea of any of this until debt collectors turned up on her doorstep (her son had hidden all his mail so she didn’t click) because he defaulted on the first payment. Yes, she did have options, but because he was her son and reporting it would have ended up with him behind bars, she didn’t report it.

So she has had to take on extra hours at work.  When I would leave to go home and I went to hug her goodbye (as we always did) she would hug me then back or pull away. If I went to kiss her goodbye she would turn her head away and say, I would kiss you, but I have too many cold sores”, or just not kiss me and gradually she became too busy, or too tired for company.

I have seen her a few times since September. The last time we spent any quantity of time together was at end of August early September and we had spent the day and evening together. We were fine and had a lovely day, going out for a meal in the evening and back to my place.

This is where I now blush and go very red. But, she stayed at mine that night and we had a lovely time. It was as always magical, and after we collapsed into each others arms she asked me for a cuppa, so I went downstairs and made her one. When I took it back to the bedroom, she just looked adoringly at me and said, “ I love you so much and you make me so happy, you satisfy me completely. Not just physically but in everything else as well. Oh, I love you”.

That was the last time we spent any quality time together. Now here we are in March and she rarely messages /texts/calls unless I message her and I cant understand why. If I tried to contact her she wouldn’t reply for hours or days and sometimes not at all. It was really getting to me and making me quite anxious and very down. How can you suddenly go from that to how it is now??

However, at the beginning of the month she went to a charity disco with a girlfriend and sent me this message,

“I know I miss u too but had a lot to sort out just recently, I’ve been back to court with Heydon. I would have told you but he begged me not to say anything to anyone, I had to respect his wishes he has so much debt to pay off but he escaped prison which would of finished me it was awful at Cambridge but tonite I’m going to have a few drinks think I deserve it after all the shit I’ve been through and I always behave xxxxxx”

A few days later on the 6th I was walking to the Co_op to get some bread, milk and smokes and I bumped into her coming out of another job. She smiled and said, “Hiya” and we chatted for a few minutes. But, I couldn’t get over how tired, thin she looked and covered in cold sores (clearly run down). Seeing her like that made me realise how much I really did love her and want to help. She said she was so tired that she didn’t know which way to turn and I noticed the 4 cans of Red bull in her hands. So, when I got home I ordered her a huge expensive bouquet from Serenata flowers. They arrived the next day and she sent me a short message, saying “Thank u for the flowers very kind of u just got in from work when they arrived xx”

I didn’t hear from her over next few days, but that has been the way for past 4-5 months. But last Saturday my anxiety went into overdrive. (you know how it gets a hold of rational thought and creates images in your head that are not real, but so believable that you end up believing them). Mate, I even cracked open a bottle of red wine and started drinking it. This isn’t good as I haven’t touched alcohol since 1982 and sent her a text message saying,

“Hiya,hun,
I don’t want an arguement, but i need to talk to you. I am quite stressed and wound up and need to see you to talk. I don’t want to lose you but feel like I have already lost you. I didn’t mean to send that yet, but unusually for me I have been drinking. I am hurting babe and want to talk, I need to know hun that’s all.

Nothing nasty really was it. But she didn’t reply straight away and so fuelled by dutch courage I  thought I would walk to her house and I saw she was replying and as I got near her house I noticed her car was on her drive ( she sometimes car shares) and that was when my phone pipped to say she had replied and this sent me reeling.

Her reply sent me reeling. So cold, brutal and defensive. It was this,

” Thanks I really needed this when I’m at work……..but if you carry on like this Simon you will loose me, I have explained so many times before but to me u just don’t get it, I’m dealing with a lot at the moment which I don’t want to discuss with anyone apart from my councellor, I just can’t deal with what your throwing at me and I’ve told you loads of times that I will work until I’ve got some money behind me again and I don’t want anymore messages while I’m at work if that’s ok”

Can you see why I was left heart broken and stunned?

As she was doing all these extra hours at work, I  would cook a big casserole or curry and take it round so she had something to eat when she came back) and pop it round to hers, so she didn’t have to worry about meals or feeding her 2 sons.

Then last Monday I asked her if I could have my baking tray and 2 tupperware pots back as I need them and if I if she was at work til late and just to help her out, No reply for 5 hours and then I got a short curt text, “Haydon will bring them round at some point”. But, he didn’t and I texted her on Monday and she replied snottily, “They are on your front door”.

So, I looked and there was a carrier bag hanging off the doorknob with them in. Common Sense says she has decided to dump me by hoping I will just give up and fade away. But, I just don’t think that. It doesn’t make any sense. I do know that when stressed she closes down completely and shuts everything and everyone out.

I have had no contact since that last message.
On several occasions her son has rung me and asked me to come and calm mum down, as she having a crying spell again

I have picked her up from her friends house several times in a hell of a state. The last time was New Years Eve 2018 Several times and i missed it. In fact over the last year the signs of her increasing stress have been there, but i didnt see them. The number of times she has said I need time to sort this out or i need to be alone to deal with my issues but I didn’t always realise what she meant or just didn’t understand what she was saying. For example Yet take New Years Eve 2018 for example an evening that is etched into my memory. Why? because her best friend (Natalie) rang me to come and pick her up. She had spent the evening there to see the New Year in at hers. She was very drunk,tearful and emotional because of all that had happened in her past and with her son going off the rails with cocaine and the pain of loss that she had felt after losing her dog had really got to her. It took quite a while to get her into the car, but when we did she didn’t want to go home but said she wanted to go to mine instead.

So we went to mine and she sat on the sofa cuddling the wolf cushion that she had given me for Christmas in floods of tears. I made her a cuppa and brought her smokes to her , and then she said to me, “I love you, but why do you stay with me?” I wouldn’t blame you if you left me with all my issues?” I said The answer to that is simple, I genuinely do love you even with all your faults and issues. She didn’t drink more than a few sips when she got up and said “I want to go home” and with that she left leaving her house keys in my kitchen. I jumped in my car with the keys and she simply said ,”Leave me alone, I want to be alone. No one else I just want to be alone”.You just don’t understand my problems”.

I thought that was it, I would not see her anymore, but the next afternoon, she rang and asked if I was free as she felt she needed to apologise for the night before and wanted to know what you she had done;if anything.

She came round almost immediately and asked me what had happened and I told her straight, you dumped me!. When she realised what she had said to me, she said she was horrified and threw her arms around me and cried “Oh my god what have I done”. That is the last thing I want and she could not stop apologising and stayed for hours cuddled up on the sofa.

I just don’t get it, I cant anyone explain what is happening. Is this just the price of have a relationship with someone who has been emotionally scarred?

I get the bit about having to work extra hours, but I cant get why she doesn’t call/message or text me anymore as she used to. Its the not knowing and seldom contact that has awoken this stupid anxiety.

Her whole life has been sad and betrayal by those around her was a common theme. I guess she was repressing it all and concentrating on her kids and working, but when her son became involved with the drugs world she felt betrayed, a failure as a mother.

This morning I had to pop to the local store and I was in a very poor state. I didn’t sleep last night and was in floods of tears before I went out. But, as I was driving there I saw her car parked outside a small shop and I had been thinking about her most of the night. I cant stop actually and its the not knowing. Anyway, I decided this has to stop and I drove past her house and saw her car was there.

So when I got home I sent her this message, “Hi huney, I have you a peace offering, but I also would like to ask if you would like your mothers wedding ring and chain back? They are still here all secure and I will hang on to them if you like., but if you feel you want them back or had forgotten. I just thought that i would ask.XXX”

My rationale was that if she had finished with me but didn’t have the courage to tell me she would say return them (and the house key). I waited very anxiously for her to reply. As minutes ticked on by no reply came, I thought I didn’t expect that.

But a few minutes later she did (and I didn’t expect that either). It was “I haven’t forgotten about them, I will speak to you at some point but not at the moment as I have too much going on at present”.

Boy, was I chuffed as I thought she would either ignore it or lambast me brutally as she did a few days ago. She asked for neither key or jewellery back, but now I am stressing big time over what will speak to you at some point, but not now”.

I am useless at understanding her signs and at relationships period. If I give my heart to someone I give it all and am admitting that in a letter to her.

On Monday night whilst at work I recieved a message from her son, who asked me how I was. I told him that I was still feeling very sad and how is his mum. He said that he had been speaking to her earlier and that he thought she was OK and suggested doing something. He said that he felt she was up for that and brought up the idea of coming to mine for a meal and watching Bohmeian Rhapsody on dvd.

I am at my wits end trying to figure out what is happening to us, what is in her mind. She tells me that all will be Ok eventually. In fact she sent me a message saying,”I got 99 problems, but you aren’t one of them” and then nothing for weeks.

I just don’t know what to do for the best. I do love her deeply and I think she does me, but my anxiety over not knowing is playing nasty tricks on my mind. I find myself not being able to eat properly, sleep properly and i cant concentrate at work without crying; which as a paramedic isnt good. Am I nuts or just too caring.

I don’t want to just give up, as the relationship was deep and we both felt it was right and even discussed the future or at least living together.

Some tiem ago I happened to bump into her best friend who asked me how I was. I just said taht I feel very down and sad. She said drop me a message sometime and we’ll chat about it. So I did and I thought is this right. But, my anxiety at the time was in overdrive and I thought she hadn’t replied until I just found this message that I had overlooked. It was sent to me by her best friend a few weeks ago and i hadn’t seen it in my inbox. Kinda backs up everything you have said. “Simon, I love her too I’ve known her for so long now it’s like she’s always been there lol I’m texting her as we speak. I honestly believe these last 18 months since her dog died, has been hell for her well probably since her husband left. All that’s she’s had to deal with has took its toll and is coming out now and the relief of her son not going down must of been immense for her. She is so run down it will take a while for her to climb back up bless her. I know you have strong feelings for her and I know she does appreciate all you do and have done for her and the boys, I’ll knock the bloody wall down I will make it my mission

The best thing is to leave her and give her time. Hopefully, things will settle soon. If not it’s so very sad. I think she finds it hard to accept love and trust (especially from men) that she doesn’t realise she when she’s safe to do so, as she hasn’t known it. I just find it hard to not try as I know how vulnerable she is. Right next time vent at me then the pressure isn’t on her she has a whole world of scars that cut so very very deep.

I know you just want to make her happy that’s all any of us wants, i truly can’t answer what Julie is thinking or feeling right now but I know her barriers are up I wish I could help reassure you more but I know putting any pressure on her is going to back her into a corner and the walls will just go higher”.

Thoughts pleae. This is killing me an di do not understand why she does not communicate with me. Is it a test of loyalty, of how serious I am or she has dumped me but cant tell me personally. Has anyone else experienced this.