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CONFUSED ABOUT MY NEW PARTNERS SEXUALITY

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Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)
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  • #59450
    Tracey
    Participant

    Hi All

    I have been dating a guy for the last 3 months and have often thought to myself that I find him very hard to work out. It gave me a lot of anxiety at the start but now I think I am just used to his ways ie blowing hot and cold at times and being very black and white.
    To cut a long story short, I am having doubts about his sexuality. He is a nice guy and pleasant and well mannered and works hard, these are things that I rate highly in a partner. But we do not seem to be having very much sex! He is comfortable with doing all kinds of foreplay but he seems to cut it off when it comes to intercourse. To the extent that I think he is avoiding it and now making excuses not to have it (like conjunctivitis in his left eye!).

    He is a little camp and I can remember thinking when I first met him that he looked a little gay. He is very into grooming and shaves his chest and stomach and everywhere really (except his underarms and legs). I have also noticed that he comes across a little immature at times and dosent seem to have many friends.

    Another thing I have noticed about him is that he sometimes hits himself on the face, head or chest. Not very hard but I find this strange. It is done in a play about way but I just find it odd.

    I am wondering does he have issues possibly with his sexuality and is possibly using me as a cover or something.
    I really like this guy but I do believe he has issues, I have brought it up about the lack of sex however he just seems to have an excuse and says he will make it up to me.

    I know he has had previous relationships with women and they have been sexual. I contacted his ex to find out if she had any similiar issues (I know that was wrong). She told me that the sex was the only thing that kept them together for the first year.

    I am seriously confused and need advice. I appreciate though that this is a very tough one. 🙂

    #59452
    Inky
    Participant

    Red flags on the sexuality. But more red flags on the self-harm and the hot and cold. You like him, but you don’t seem to love him, so I wouldn’t be that intimidate with him myself. I say keep him as a friend and move on, but that’s just my opinion. Good Luck!

    P.S. I was used a “a cover” and was devastated. After the break up he kept going to men, then women, etc. until he finally chose women. Or so it seems to appear!

    #59455
    Tracey
    Participant

    Thanks Inky my head is all over the place lately with tryiny to work him out. I really should move on and dont know why I am not doing so. I do like him and we are together we get on great.
    You say you experienced this. Did you have doubts when you were together? Was there any signs or did you have problems when it came to being intimate?

    Tracey 🙂

    #59457
    Tracey
    Participant

    Im going to give a list of things i have noticed for anyone that wants to possibly advise 🙂

    He appears slightly camp in his stance.
    He shaves all over.
    He uses face cream and lip cream.
    Lack of interest in being intimate.
    I have noticed that he seems to have problems in keeping an erection at times.
    He has slight breast tissue and what us women would call love handles, he is athletic build but does not seem to have much muscle mass, this made consider did he possibly have and imbalance of hormones ie possibly a few too many female ones, and in turn this may affect his sex drive.

    Bottom line is I do really like him and if the doubts about his sexuality and lack of intimacy wasnt there i think we really could go somewhere.
    HELP!

    #59462
    Inky
    Participant

    I just thought of something. It is possible he has XYX chromosomes. XX is femaile, XY male, but XXY is a male with more female body stuff going on. My friend in college had that, but appeared male. But downstairs, no lasting erection.

    Anyway, back to my old BF. He was sweet, sweet, sweeter than sweet. He seemed to want it and like it, but I had to make the first move sometimes. Looking back, my first (and maybe only) big Red Flag Clue was: He said he had read the whole Black Stallion collection when he was a kid. And loved it. OK, that’s like, dozens and dozens of books! This is beyond today’s Bronies. Ya know? LOL

    #59467
    Tracey
    Participant

    Yes I know what you are saying LOL it is currently sitting simmering with us both as I have mentioned to him of the lack of intimacy and asked was I doing something wrong. I felt if I mentioned that it was perhaps something I was doing wrong he would be more comfortable to talk about it, as I know it is a very touchy subject!!

    Well we will see where it goes from here and if there are any improvements in that department. If not I have decided to sit him down and ask him outright about it. Not nice and very bloody confusing. 🙂

    #59474
    Kelly
    Participant

    Hi Tracey,
    I understand it’s a sensitive subject but I believe that when you are intimate and in a relationship with someone, it is best to share your feelings in a candid (but kind) way. Chances are, if he is behaving in such overtly (stereotypically) “female” ways, you aren’t the first person who has questioned his sexuality. It’s possible he simply has a lower sex drive than you. And there are heterosexual men out there who use a lot of products, invest time on grooming, etc. A guy I dated years ago was very “metrosexual” – he had more beauty products in the medicine cabinet than I did, and he loved to buy clothes (both for himself and me), etc. But he was straight and today is married (to a woman) with a young son.

    Coming from a single woman, this may sound a bit flippant, but you’re only 3 months in and to be honest, you don’t sound like you really like him all that much. Yes, you point out his good qualities, but for every good quality, there are 3 more that don’t suit you. Add to that the sexual incompatibility (and let’s face it, sex typically becomes less frequent as the “honeymoon” period wears off) and it’s hard to see much reason why you wouldn’t cut bait and wait for a man who really gets your motor runnin. Just my two cents. If you’re interested in working it out with him, communication will be key, imo.

    Good luck!

    #59541
    arti
    Participant

    “I know he has had previous relationships with women and they have been sexual. I contacted his ex to find out if she had any similiar issues (I know that was wrong). She told me that the sex was the only thing that kept them together for the first year.”

    Is it possible that the fact it was sex which kept his previous relationship together scared your current partner, and that he would prefer his future relationships to move more slowly?

    People can be intimate in so many different ways, and perhaps he wants to make sure there is a better basis for future relationships in the hope they last longer?

    #59543
    lissy
    Participant

    I too have the same fear of my partners sexuality. Ive been with my guy almost 6 years now. We had a huge relationship defining moment about a year ago when i found pictures of him wearing my underwear and i found a porn site on his computer…gay porn. We split up for 9 months. It was the worst time of my life. The entire process was heart breaking not only for myself but also for my 7 year old which he has raised as his own. I was determined to let him go because frankly…how could i live with those images in my head anymore right? Well after the split, and after him begging and us talking and fighting (which isnt a bad thing) about what happened. We got back together. There isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about what happened at least once a day. Did i question his sexuality? MOST DEFINITELY. Do i still question it? I dont know anymore. He’s had a drug problem/alcohol problem…been to rehab, AA, all that. Things seem calm in that aspect now, but can i blame what he was doing on those things??? I dont know. My therapist said that he could have been doing those things to be closer to me. Could have…but not for certain.

    #59932
    Tracey
    Participant

    Ahhh lissy sounds like you have had it tough. It is understandable that both sexes can be confused about their own sexuality and I am fine with that. I just dont agree when thier partner could be used as a cover. I hope you are ok and that things are looking up for you. What made you decide to get back together?

    Tracey

    #59934
    Tracey
    Participant

    On a lighter note. After having a lengthly somewhat arguementative chat about this with him, we have turned a corner 🙂 I think I was slightly at fault also for not initiating intercourse enough and maybe he was slightly shy. I do see a lot of the XXY stuff going on but I am starting to accept that this is just the way he is. So im more positive and feel that we have gotten a little closer together 🙂

    Long may it last 🙂

    #59963
    lissy
    Participant

    Good for you Tracey…hoping for the best for you. To answer your question about my situation…the answer is simple. I love him. Finding these things out about him don’t change my love for him over night. Ive been to many therapy sit downs to try and understand this and get out of my head a little. You know…think outside the box as to why this happened. I love him very much and my son does as well. That’s his “daddy”. So it’s not so easy for me to just cut all feelings of and say go to hell. Yes i felt that way at first. Very angry, hurt and most of all confused. But as i let my feelings settle and started to think with a clear head i realized that i would want to work it out and TRY to understand or even to forget. The question does remain as to if he is still doing this. And i can’t give an answer. Because i truly don’t know. Do i think he is? No. I don’t trust him what so ever. Which is not a good thing! I am slowly (and when i say slowly i mean as slow as a snail) trying to rebuild trust in him, baby steps. But i do still get flashbacks. And they are literally flashbacks, like what you see people get in the movies of a horrible accident… My therapist says its shock. I believe her. I just don’t know if i will ever be able to trust him again, or believe in him, or not question him… This is hard for me because if he’s being true and honest and truly trying to work on this relationship, why am i so negative about everything?

    #60075
    Tracey
    Participant

    Well you are quite obviously anxious about the whole situation and the not knowing is keeping that vicious circle of anxiety going. I would say eventually you will accept and move on with you life together and put it behind you or it may come to the forefront were you realise that you cannot put what happened behind you and you may drift apart.

    Life has its own funny ways of working and whatever is right for you will happen. 🙂

    #60089
    lissy
    Participant

    Tracy, you are right. I know that it will all either come together and i will be able to forget about all this and move on with our relationship or…not. Thank you for your words, and i hope that you continue on Tiny Buddha. It has really saved me in more ways than one 🙂

Viewing 14 posts - 1 through 14 (of 14 total)

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