edit: okay i kinda know the best thing for me to do is to remove myself from any sort of romantic situation BUT i like spending time with this guy and i don’t want to feel like i’m pushing it away. I think he is worth it I just wish that I could feel again. I feel like I’m going to regret pushing him away because he is a great person from what I know of him and seems very genuine. But it was this kind of thinking that got me into terrible relationships in the first place. I just want to do what’s right but I have no idea what that is. I honestly just want him to be happy too and even though I’d be sad I really don’t expect him to wait for me to “be ready”. I am also having a hard time with believing that anybody is ever “ready” for something and I believe in making a choice but I don’t know if in this case making a choice to be with him is creating the problem. When I’m around him I feel safe and happy, but also sometimes like I’m forcing or pretending because I’m so numb inside. I’m like a shell of a person.

Hi Inky:

Thank you for your response. I’ve actually gotten a full check up recently, hormone levels and all, and everything came back normal. I take 5-HTP and b-12 daily as well. I do have a lot of physical symptoms, like fatigue, tense muscles, and pressure behind my head all of the time though. I know it’s depression but I’ve had it for so long and I know that it will go away with emotional healing but I don’t know how to continue. When I moved out for college, I made it a point to start my own life… but my parents would guilt me over everything and would blame me for not wanting to see my little brothers. My first and second year of college consisted of like 4 or 5 hospital visits due to my anxiety and depression. I began to party a lot and wouldn’t show up for work or classes. I still have really good standing in school as I push myself super hard but I don’t know to keep healing. During this time, I let myself let loose but I would also study a lot on ayurveda  and ancient indigenous healing practices. I began to tell myself that my panic attacks were releases of energy and even distinguished the different parts of me that were in pain. I have epiphanies from time to time where i feel like my soul is trying to contact me. I remember what it felt like the day I lost myself, the first day I began to depersonalize, and recently I came to the understanding that for this long, I have been my fight-or-flight responses and not my true self. It helped take a lot of pressure off because essentially I’ve been able to train even my fight-or-flight responses to calm down and analyze a situation, but it’s frustrating when I feel like I can’t do something like date someone for fun.

So I don’t know what to do… my brain has a billion answers and my body isn’t here yet.

Anita,

thank you so much for your response. That is exactly what I feel like. I remember growing up, I would feel an emptiness at my chest right for a few seconds. Never thought much of it until I met the boy when I was 15, as he would always talk about his depression and misery. I remember thinking “you know, actually i feel that too.” And I think more than anything he was the first person who I could relate to. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I have been through quite a bit. I was brought to this country at 4 years old, right after my grandmother (and one of my main caregivers) had passed away, and began to live with a father I thought was perfect only to realize he was an angry alcoholic. I would slam doors in his face and tell him I hated him from a very early age. My mom says he only drank once a month but I don’t remember him ever being sober. And I resented my mom a lot because she would get my hopes up when she’d promise we would leave him and three hours later, after I screamed and cried trying to rationalize with him in our “sessions”, I’d hear them laughing in their room. Like nothing ever happened. I know I still resent my mom because I am super mean to her, even though I’ve reconciled with my dad. I love both of them but I had told myself I didn’t want them to be in my life anymore. I don’t think that’s true. Now that I’ve been home for the summer and realized why I spend so much time alone and why I seek out validation from guys, I got two jobs, have been trying to get my license, and even made plans to help improve the house. But my life splits when I go back to college.

I don’t want to keep being resentful towards my parents. I don’t want to be stuck in a victim mentality. All I want is to just be calm and happy. To feel alive, even if real life isn’t fun all the time. I want to get a job when I’m at school and live a happy, simple life. I’m figuring out ways to do so and have begun sleeping earlier, waking up earlier, eating more often, and have even cut down on my possessions. But I get stuck on how to grow emotionally from here. Maybe I’m not ready for this yet? maybe i still need to let loose and forget all of these expectations? act like a college kid? I don’t know how much pushing is healthy. And now that this guy – who isn’t perfect of course (that’s a reminder to myself) – who is really nice, likes me, I don’t know what to do or say. I feel like I wanna put a “danger: in need of repair” sign. I don’t even want to hope that he’ll wait around. I don’t want him to think I don’t care, I just don’t know how to.

Coconut,

I’m a strong believer in communication and have shared my feelings with him, he was a little hurt because he says he believes this can last a lifetime. I agree, objectively, he has all the qualities that would make for a great partner. But there is something that you said that rings true for me as well. I have a hard time letting go of someone that shows interest in me. My previous relationship, I didn’t see him like that at ALL but I kept telling myself I owed it to the both of us to try it out. And then I got way too attached, and it still confuses me because I feel like it would’ve been best if we had remained friends.

Saying “this guy/time is different” feels like a cop-out. I’m just scared I’ll miss out on something good by pushing this aside. We have slowed down communication and aren’t hanging out as frequently and for a few days I was even starting to miss him but then we communicate again and I’m like “nope, tell him you only wanna speak in person, texting isn’t for you.” I kiss him and ask him personal questions and I think it’s because I want to be sure but also I have no idea what I’m doing I just don’t want to hurt him. He says he wants more than anything for me to be safe and happy and that he has no problem with just being friends. But I know he really likes me now and again, I have no idea about anything…

How did you meet your partner you’re with now? Was it ever confusing for you at first? I just want to be with someone good for me and not question it all of the time. But I guess I really am not ready? that feels so ugly to say for some reason.

What do you think keeps us so afraid and hesitant? Of course these are two different circumstances and we are different people with different experiences, but I feel like I would feel the way that you do now if I ever even made it to four years. I don’t think necessarily that I’m obsessed with the idea of having a boyfriend… I actually didn’t think I wanted one… but I really value bonds and connections with people, and remember trying to convince myself early on that I didn’t want commitment cos it sucks and people hurt you. I didn’t realize I actually started believing myself. Idk there are times, like now, where I feel calm and safe. I’m not speaking with him right now, but I feel like it can work. I just don’t know why I know that’s bound to change, and if I’m “supposed” to fight through it, talk to him about every single feeling, or just let it happen… Okay obviously it’s the last one… but how do you just let go of the fear and expectations? It’s always about believing that the other option is better. My mind plays games with me, making me believe that the grass is always greener on the other side.

I kind of want to just say to him “I know I’ve confused you, and I know it’s been like a week since I told you I wasn’t sure, but that’s me escaping to my safe, fantasy world. The truth is I still think about you and making it work even if we don’t talk as much, so let’s just give it a shot. I like you, I feel calm with you, and I am capable of making you feel good too. I can’t promise that I will be present all of the time, but I can guarantee that that is what I want more than anything. And I don’t want to miss this opportunity when I finally get out of this. If I do anytime soon… and if I don’t well hey, I still manage to commit to life and no matter how bad I may feel sometimes, this is the only one I got and I’m going to make sure I appreciate it.”

I don’t know if that’s a good idea though. Sigh.

I don’t like how disposable relationships and people seem to be now. It’s one thing to stay when it’s toxic but I’m so used to just paralyzing in fear and leaving. But then again 2/3 of my serious boyfriends have been toxic so that was a good thing… Maybe I just need to get to know him better… and let go of the fear of him getting over me. With or without a partner I have committed to healing, it would just be nice to have someone who I know chooses me for the long run, and someone who I can help achieve their goals too… without it feeling fake or forced.