Dear Neverdyed:

You asked me “am I clear here??”- no. I am exhausted trying to understand you. I am done trying. You are welcome to keep posting, and I will be glad to reply to you further, but I am done trying to understand.

Thank you for wishing me a nice weekend and I wish you the same!

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by .

Dear Neverdyed:

I read your recent post. You wrote regarding your mother: “I’m not sure what’s the opposite of her”. My comment: your mother has been aggressive. The extreme opposite of aggressive is passive. To have healthy relationships with people, you need to be neither aggressive nor passive, but assertive. Both parties to a relationship need to be assertive. There are books and online resources regarding assertive behavior.

anita

Dear Neverdyed:

You are welcome.  You wrote that you remember as a child hearing your mother say one time that your father was “treating the home/ house like a hotel”.  Her suggestion was that your father was selfish, that he came into the house when he needed a cooked meal, a shower and sleep in a clean bed, using her as his cook, server and maid, and that left the house for everything else that he needed, whenever he wanted.

Eight months ago, on June 12  2020, you wrote regarding your mother: “I just can’t stand her aggressive attitude during a fight, and I’ve adopted my father’s silent but passive aggressive way”-

– this means that your childhood home was not like a hotel for your father, because a hotel is a place where the workers (receptionists, cooks, servers, cleaners, etc.)  do not fight with the customers. I suppose your childhood home was not like a hotel for your father after all, was it?

In regard to the man in your life,  you are suggesting that he may be entering and leaving your life as if you were a hotel, using you for what he needs at the moment. What hotel-like services are you providing him?

anita

Dear Neverdyed,

I’ve only joined the forum recently and was catching up with the very interesting conversation on this thread. From your recent posts, it appears you’re still keeping in touch with your male friend, but now you’re cold with him, and he doesn’t like it. Did I get that right?

It seems to me that both of you have the avoidant attachment style, meaning that both of you are afraid of intimacy and a deep, honest sharing of yourself. Of vulnerability. Because without vulnerability, there’s no intimacy, and there cannot be a deeper bond between two people.

I don’t know what his story is and why he’s afraid of intimacy, but clearly, his actions suggest that he doesn’t have serious intentions with you, and that he believes it’s okay to forget about you for days on end and not reply. Even, that daily contact wouldn’t be “healthy”.

You asked anita if he behaves like this because you’re too much to handle (so he needs to put a boundary to protect himself), or because he doesn’t care. Unfortunately, it’s because he doesn’t care – because you’re not asking too much. On the contrary, you’re hardly asking anything!

As anita noted, you’re afraid to express your needs, to initiate contact, to even demand things that are rightfully yours, because you’re afraid of rejection. You’re also afraid of being like your mother if you’re too assertive or “demanding”. The result is that often times you stay silent, withdrawn, unexpressed.

Earlier in the conversation, you said that you mother used to tell you “you have good grades in school, but you need to change your attitude towards people”. What exactly did she mean by that? What attitude towards people did you have?

It seems that during childhood, you witnessed two unbalanced ways to deal with conflict: one is your father’s, who’d rather leave the house or stay silent throughout the conflict (basically, he escaped conflict, choosing not to express himself). The other is your mother’s, who complained a lot, attacking and blaming your father (for being the victim, for serving your father while he behaves like in a hotel, etc). If I understood well, she was also provoked by his silence, which made her even more furious.

You decided that you liked your father’s style better, that it’s more mature, while your mother’s is immature and childish. In reality, neither is better or worse, both are unbalanced. Neither attacking and blaming the other, nor escaping confrontation will actually solve the problem. Expressing ourselves and asserting our needs, while at the same time respecting the other and taking into account their needs as well, would be the middle way.

Anyway, enough for now, I’ve written a lot. Hope this was helpful in some way and that with time, you resolve your conflicts.

Dear Neverdyed,

Thanks for your welcome! And for replying and clarifying.

You say: “I checked it before and found that I might have an anxious attachment style or so, haha. I did open up to a degree long time ago, but it’s not appreciated, so to protect myself from being hurt again, I’ve chosen to share far less now.”

You’re right, you’re not avoiding closeness. In fact, you would appreciate it, but you’re discouraged by him not welcoming it, so you withdraw into your shell, not sharing much about what’s going on inside of you. You’re kind of pretending that you don’t care, or at least not that much, although you do.

You did tell him once “I don’t need on and off contacts”, but he didn’t see any problem with that, even claiming it wouldn’t be healthy to talk every day. He also said that if he doesn’t reply for a week or so, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. That’s a spin, because in reality, if we care about someone romantically, we want to be in touch frequently. So you did express your need, which is a good thing, but he brushed it off and then you’ve withdrawn. You haven’t expressed your need again, except passively, by being cold and reserved.

You say you behave like that because of your pride (I don’t want to be seen as “oh, I’m so interested in you”. I recalled the other day that I once told him something like “I care too much about my pride, so even if I want something, I wouldn’t say it”.) Actually I don’t think it’s pride, rather it’s fear of getting hurt and humiliated if you admit how much he means to you. You fear rejection if you express yourself, express your need and make yourself vulnerable. So you say a little bit, you peak out of your shell, and then you go right back since you weren’t welcomed with open arms.

A part of the reason could be because your mother used to criticize your singing. You showed yourself, i.e. made yourself vulnerable, and she ridiculed it, or something to that effect?

She also told you were self-centered:

“I think I might be self-centered in my childhood, and now I still am somewhat so, just when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.”

I don’t know at what age she started telling you that, but a child is naturally self-centered. Children want their needs to be met first, they want their toys, they’re all about “it’s mine, give it to me!” It’s a natural child’s instinct, but if it’s constantly put down and criticized by their parents, the child later won’t be able to express their needs and stand up for themselves.

You’ve mentioned multiple times that you don’t want to be selfish with your boyfriend, even though what you hoped for from him wasn’t selfish at all. It was normal to expect in a loving relationship. But he told you it was selfish, or unhealthy (you said he judged you when you demanded more contact.) So I think there’s a connection there: he’s judged you as being selfish, similarly to how your mother judged you. And it was simply for expressing your legitimate needs. You’re not selfish at all, you just want what’s rightfully yours.

“when I was with him or another friend, I believe that I usually put their needs first.”

Yes, because you suppress your own needs, even if they are legitimate.

Think about that. You were never selfish, you were told you’re selfish, which is not true. You have the right to demand certain things for yourself. You have the right to express your needs.