Conflicting myself much

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This topic has 110 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 3 years ago by Tee.

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July 1, 2020 at 6:25 am #360161

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

Thanks for the reminder, I’ll see what I can do.

I saw this article (https://tinybuddha.com/blog/setting-emotional-boundaries-stop-taking-on-other-peoples-feelings/?fbclid=IwAR2QgQZ6pBocSO72c8BzUcBsaFDRBqYAY8xBcYYAQpcZdOtegHsbasqmsHo) today and wondered how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something.

July 1, 2020 at 8:16 am #360180

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Neverdyed:

“how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”- can you give me an example of not wanting to do something, and who wants you to do something you don’t want to do?

anita

July 2, 2020 at 9:17 pm #360325

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

I was thinking that when I expected the other to be in touch constantly (for my sense of security probably) and being”judged” it’s unhealthy, did he refuse out of an emotional boundary or simply unwilling to do so

July 3, 2020 at 7:00 am #360351

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Neverdyed:

“when I expected the other to be in touch constantly.. and being ‘judged’ it’s unhealthy, did he refuse out of an emotional boundary or simply unwilling to do so”-

– who is “the other”???

Is “the other” the man you shared about, the one you “hardly ever reached out to him.. didn’t want to intrude on him”?

* I think that maybe the reason you are “Conflicting myself much” (title of your thread) is that you keep most of your thoughts and feelings to yourself, keeping it all inside you.

The little that you share with others is often vague, so I am often confused when trying to understand you. It is definitely a difficult job to understand a person who shares so little and so vaguely. What if this is how you communicate with others? If that’s the case you are like a secret or a mystery to others, others not knowing what you think, what you feel, what you want.. ???

anita

July 3, 2020 at 9:32 am #360367

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

I interpreted your tone as unpleasant/annoyed/impatient this time, which makes me hesitate to say more, and this is probably my pattern when communicating with others. Please note that I’m not blaming you and I’ve been grateful for your efforts.

So the other was the man basically, I chose not to clarify because I didn’t want you to think that I still thought about him to be honest.

As we’re talking about my way of communications here, it’s true that I kept much to myself when interacting with him, but the outcome wasn’t good when I opened up later, it’s like he didn’t want to deal with those things from me

July 3, 2020 at 9:49 am #360369

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Neverdyed:

I was annoyed, yes, because I don’t like to work hard when it is not necessary. If you communicate with me clearly, I won’t have to work so hard to understand what you are saying.

So you were referring to the man, but you didn’t want to tell me who you were referring to and kept it vague. Here is my best suggestion to you: be clear, honest and direct when you post to me (and when you communicate with other people). Make your sentences clear.

Sometimes you are honest with me, like when you express your concern about me being annoyed with you, but you have the tendency to be secretive, or mysterious.. vague, not clear, and that .. yes, it does annoy me. Plus it is harmful to any chances you have regarding forming an intimate friendship/ relationship with someone worthy of you.

anita

July 4, 2020 at 9:28 am #360518

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

I don’t know if I need to apologise, and maybe my explanation’d only sound like an excuse, however, my intention of not making it clear about “whom” was out of shame and I didn’t want to limit the example to that man only, though I haven’t experienced the problem much besides him.

And if I have to be really clear, it’d be like what I just said above (“shame”), which seems to me that I must say everything that’s on my mind.

Feel free to drop the thread because I feel we’re developing it into an argument, and I don’t like fights.

Thank you

July 4, 2020 at 9:53 am #360522

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Neverdyed:

There is no argument. There is nothing wrong with feeling anger (annoyance is a small amount of anger), and there is nothing wrong with anger being expressed in a controlled way. Anger is a healthy emotion, a natural emotion. It is impossible to live life never feeling angry. I for one feel angry a few times every day. Don’t you?

I used to be very uncomfortable about anger, my own and others’. I still feel alarmed when thinking that someone is angry at me. So I think I understand your discomfort with my annoyance.

But think of it: even when annoyed, I do not and will not disrespect you. Isn’t that a good thing?

The valid message behind my anger is that often(not only regarding the latest topic) you are not clear and I have to work hard to understand what you are saying. I know English is not your first language (it isn’t mine either), but you not expressing yourself clearly is not because of the language, much of the time. It is because you are purposefully vague.

And now, at this point of our communication, you can choose to not post anymore, or you can choose to express yourself more and more clearly, make that attempt (I am not expecting perfection!). I hope you choose the second choice because I do want to continue to communicate with you. Don’t worry: there will be no arguing, it takes two to argue and I am not arguing.

anita

July 6, 2020 at 11:14 am #360786

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

Good to see your reply.

At first I thought that I didn’t feel angry for a few times daily, but now I remember those moments and agree with you.

Yes, I’m sensitive to people’s emotions or feelings, when they’re negative I get uncomfortable or nervous, maybe that comes from witnessing my parents fighting in my childhood. So I tend to avoid or escape such scenarios.

I like “there is nothing wrong with anger being expressed in a controlled way”. As for your question (“even when annoyed, I do not and will not disrespect you. Isn’t that a good thing?”), it’s good that you and I and that man respected each other when the vibes got bad, but it often left me a mark, of course, by reading your latest response, I think we’re cool and there’s no need for me to worry.

Your English is like a native speaker. Would you be surprised or the like if I say the following? Compared to the man, I always thought I’d revealed A LOT with “outsiders” (no offense), which got me thinking how he felt during the time, especially that I had to balance the need to “protect” myself and my desire to interact with him.

Can you point out another example when I was being (purposefully) vague besides the “whom” so I may figure out why/if I did that on purpose.

Thanks for saying that you wanted to continue to communicate with me, it’s been a meaningful journey with you so far

July 6, 2020 at 1:09 pm #360809
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Neverdyed:

You are welcome, and I am glad you are okay with continuing to communicate with me.

“Can you point out another example when I was being (purposefully) vague besides the ‘whom’ so I may figure out why/ if I did that on purpose”-

In your original post four pages ago, you wrote: “I finally spoke up for myself last week, but he judged me again and left it for me to decide”- There are four unknowns in this one sentence:

(1) When you finally spoke up: what did you speak/ what did you say to him?

(2) What did he say back to you?

(3) How did he judge you/ what did he say that was judgmental?

(4) what is “it” in “left it for me to decide?

Four questions regarding one sentence. See my frustration? It is a vague sentence that left me with no information and four questions. You may not have been vague on purpose/ you may not have been aware that you were vague. Maybe you had all the answers (to questions 1-4 above) in your brain and somehow thought I knew what you were thinking without you letting me know what you were thinking (?)

On this page, you wrote: “I saw this article (http: …. ) today and wondered how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”- I didn’t feel like reading an article so to try and understand what you are asking. But I read much of the article anyway, and still didn’t understand what you were asking, so I asked you for an example, and after reading your reply I still didnt know what you were asking.

I think that what you meant by “how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”, at this point, is to ask me regarding the man (let’s call him M): do you think I intruded on M, and therefore he did the right thing by not replying to me (protecting his privacy/ boundary), or do you think that he didn’t reply to me not because I intruded on him, but because he doesn’t like me?

I am not sure I understood correctly the question you asked me five days ago, at the top of this page.

Regardless of purposefully being vague or not purposefully, please try to be clear, specific and direct. Don’t make me work hard, will you?

Interesting, I just noticed again the title of your thread, “Conflicting myself much”- clarity is the answer to conflicts. If you are clear with yourself, and with me, you will no longer be conflicted… !

anita
- This reply was modified 3 years, 9 months ago by .
July 7, 2020 at 7:14 pm #360988

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

Not sure if the 4 questions should be or are already answered, I’m going to try to clarify them (hopefully) better:

(1) “I don’t need on and off contacts” was the most important thing of those I spoke up.

(2) He said it looked like that I wanted to be on people’s mind always but it’s not how it works (well, now I kind of regret retrieving these back from my memory…).

(3) He also said that it’s not healthy if I expect him to talk everyday and reply immediately (, which I didn’t)

(4) I told him that if it’d take a few days to interact, then it meant the other didn’t care (it took him around a week to give feedback on something I shared, if I were a busy/careless” person like him, I’d have left the stuff which I had shared behind), he responded that he didn’t think so but I decided.

And about my last question, I wanted to know the possibilities of him refused (to a degree) to interact often, whether it’s because he simply didn’t want to or he was setting an emotional boundary to not be overly “spoiling” my “need” to interact often

July 8, 2020 at 5:25 am #361006

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Neverdyed:

I will focus only on the parts I think I understand: “I finally spoke up for myself last week, but he judged me again”, you meant that you spoke up to him, telling him that you “don’t need on and off contact”. He responded by judging you, saying that you “wanted to be on people’s mind always but it’s not how it works”, that you are not healthy for wanting too much contact with him.

When you wrote a week ago: “I wondered how to tell the difference between an emotional boundary and simply not wanting to do something”, you meant to ask if you are unhealthy (wanting too much contact with him).

Did I understand correctly?

anita

July 8, 2020 at 6:20 am #361008

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Neverdyed:

I read just a bit from your previous posts, and I want to ask you if the following is correct:

It is very important to you to not be like your mother (“I’ve tried to not be my mother”).

This is how your mother has been:

* Aggressive, picking up fights with your father and with you (“mother was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight… My mother also picks up fights with me”).

* Talks way too much, practices no self control regarding what she is saying, and forces people to listen to her lengthy, aggressive talks (“My mother also picks up fights with me by saying whatever is on her mind… My mother expects us to listen to her lengthy stories, when we don’t, she often lashes out and threats”).

* Harasses people in effort to force them to talk (“when my mother picked up a fight, she was like ‘what now? What have I done now?’… pushes me to talk rather than being silent… my mother was always the one who forced others to talk during a fight”).

These behaviors by your mother traumatized you as a child and teenager. You made a very strong decision long ago, early in your life, to not be like her, to be the opposite of her (“my principle of waiting for the other to respond before going further, when there’s no cue (or ‘green light’) for me to go on, even if there’s more I’d like to share, I can only keep silence… I’ve been avoiding being intrude… hardly asking questions, even those like ‘how’s your family?’. I believe if he wants to share, he’d do it voluntarily.. how do I know if others want to hear from me, instead of risking, I choose to stay silent”).

What happened with this man, is that you asserted yourself with him, telling him that you are not interested in an on and off contact, but in a regular, continuous, dependable contact. It was a fair assertion, one that was very difficult for you to make because it felt .. a bit like being your mother, speaking up for yourself instead of being silent.

When he reacted by telling you that you are not healthy (you boldfaced this word in your sentence yesterday: “He also said that it’s not healthy if I expect him to talk everyday and reply immediately, (which I didnt)”, it troubled you a lot because what you heard him say in your mind, is that you are like your mother, wanting too much contact, being unhealthy. And that’s the last thing you want to hear. Your decision long ago was to be the opposite of her, not to be like her!

Am I understanding correctly???

* Please take your time answering so that you don’t submit a quick, vague, unclear post. Go over your post before you submit it a few times and edit it so it is clear enough for me to understand.

anita

July 10, 2020 at 12:00 pm #361299

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

Hope you didn’t mind me replying a bit late, in case you wondered, my current job has used up most of my energy… And that’s why I admire your efforts here.

He responded by judging you, saying that you “wanted to be on people’s mind always but it’s not how it works”, that you are not healthy for wanting too much contact with him. is correct (plus that it’s obvious to me that he WAS fine with frequent contacts before, but it’s all in the past 🙂

you meant to ask if you are unhealthy (wanting too much contact with him). isn’t really correct, I don’t consider myself unhealthy and I don’t need to believe his judgement. However, I wondered his intention of turning me down (am I clear here??).

July 10, 2020 at 12:04 pm #361302

Neverdyed
Participant

Dear anita,

Many thanks for taking your time to review!

I’ll get back to your latest reply when I’m far less tired.

Wish you a nice weekend ahead
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