Hi Victoria,

Inky made several good points.  I will only say that compromise is one thing but self preservation is a choice.  Remember that you have a choice to stay or go if you feel disrespected.  “Hoping” someone will change by sticking around (possibly having a family with them) can only make you miserable.     Once you stand firm on how you wanted to be treated, it’s easier to walk away from those who won’t step up to the plate.

Godspeed.

Victoria,

…he won’t talk about anything, he just fights me, pushes me away and becomes stubborn.
… he wont act like an adult and talk to me, settle things or compromise anything. It’s always his way…
…Other than this he’s perfect.

I invite you to read what you wrote and how you would advise a girlfriend who has said these things.

I wonder what sort of relationship you want with someone who won’t act like an adult.

Mark

Hello Victoria,

You said, “I tried to compromise with what I’m comfortable with and he won’t respond or agree. So now I’m worried he’ll always act like this when something comes up, big or small, because he acted the same way about Instagram and other things.”

Then you say, other than that, he’s perfect.  That’s like saying the Titanic is perfect, other than that one big hole.

Your boyfriend loves you enough to let you compromise in every situation. There is no give and take in this relationship, when it comes to the real issues.  Not to mention he won’t respond or talk about it with you.

I would walk away.

Airene

Hello Victoria,

I just saw your most recent post, about him not wanting to upset you.

My thought is that he might think he loves you and wants to marry you and have kids.  But his maturity level isn’t up to par with doing all of that.  If you think it’s hard talking to him now, and compromising, think about how difficult it will be when he’s being non-commital about something AND you have 3 kids to get fed, dressed and out the door.  He has to be on board with you before you even get to the aisle!

You have a guy who is not into talking about feelings (a lot of guys are this way).  As unwilling as he is to compromise, he has at least told you his position on some of the things that bother you – the stripper for bucks night…he considers this normal and fun.  Nothing you say or do will change his mind.  He won’t talk about it (why?) and he won’t change (he wants to have fun.)

Your place in all of this is deciding what YOU are willing to tolerate.

He probably does love you – in his way – but probably not in the way you want and need to be loved.

Airene

Victoria,
I am sorry I did not make myself clear. I was giving a hypothetical. Basically I was telling you to give yourself advice.
Let me be more direct. You say he treats you well. How is shutting down, being evasive, and not talking to you when there are important issues to discuss treating you well?

What kind of close relationship is it when you are feeling that you are talking to a brick wall or not knowing how he feels?
How you describe your relationship is one that I care not to be in. I want to have one that we are peers, i.e. both adults. You have described him not being able to talk like an adult and not respecting you.

Mark

Hello Victoria,

Where you say this:

“This isn’t really about the stripper, it’s more about how he responds to me. He’s told me he feels like I want him to change, be something he’s not…but he doesn’t realise that I don’t want to change either…….I just don’t know why he’s always evasive but I want it to stop.”

I know that relationships are complicated so I hope it doesn’t sound like I’m over simplifying the issue.  I understand you and your boyfriend have some good things going.  What you have described here sounds to me like you want a promise from your boyfriend that he can’t or won’t deliver.  In a way, he is actually showing his integrity – he doesn’t want to commit to something he can’t or won’t do, because that would put him in the position of having to lie to you, and he doesn’t want to do that.     He also is not asking you to change, necessarily, or compromise your values and wishes.  All he is doing is saying “this is who and what I am.  Take it or leave it.”  When a person shows you who they are, believe them the first time.  He is showing you that – at this point in his life – this is what he is capable of.

I think we all want assurance and guarantees that the people we love will love us as much or more, and try to make us happy.  Even if your boyfriend reacted the way you wanted him to (by giving you assurances and committing to the boundaries you set out for him), none of it is a guarantee.

The fact that you feel he is evasive points to you not trusting him.  And relationships without trust are built on a foundation of sand.

I might start by laying all of this out for him, expressing your concerns – not in the sense that you want him to change, but just telling him what your concerns are.  See if his response leaves you feeling secure or anxious.  I’d pay attention to that.

Airene

You are welcome, Victoria.

anita