Anita,

You are interpreting my emotional processing as projection, false accusation, and a Smear campaign, framing my subjective experience as objectively harmful, even though I didn’t name you or Alessa, didn’t claim either one of you rejoiced in my pain—only that I feared it. I was writing in my own thread, about my own healing

Your subjective experience was posted on a public forum, and we all knew who you were talking about. You felt threatened by us, and you verbalized it. It might have been healing for you to say those words, but it was hurtful for the recipients of those qualifications and insinuations.

If you cannot see it, I’m sorry. However, accusing me of gaslighting when it is exactly what you are doing – denying that your words did any harm to us – is extraordinary.

None of the quotes you provided indicate verbal abuse. Not by any ethical, psychological, or relational standard.

* Verbal abuse involves such things as targeted insults, threats, degrading language, and intentional harm.

I did none of that. I expressed distress, reclaimed my voice, and set boundaries around my healing space.

You expressed qualifications, accusations and insinuations about us. You presented those qualifications as facts: “current invalidating people… people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment”. People who “arrogantly, self-righteously.. ignorantly… criticize, point to what’s lacking in the other person”.

Is that expressing distress or also a qualification of those people? Labeling? You labeled us as invalidating, judgmental, criticizing, arrogant, self-righteous.

You also stated as a fact that we try to hurt you, and that we dismiss and misuse you:
She doesn’t accommodate those who try to hurt her. She doesn’t submit to those who dismiss her.. those who misuse her.

You also expressed fear of being punished by us:
But they will hurt me, they will punish me.

Eventually, you insinuated that we might rejoice in your pain:
And I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain?
Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!?

All of the above is painting us in bad light, making negative qualifications about us, presenting us as your abusers, de facto.

If you don’t see that this was hurtful to us, then I won’t try to convince you of anything anymore.

I’ll let other forum members decide who is gaslighting whom here.

I’m glad to hear that I haven’t hurt you. It was still important for me to apologise though.

As I said before, I was trying to calm things down. I was worried about you. ❤️

I’m a complicated and principled person. I am torn in multiple directions. I believe in loyalty, fairness, kindness and I’m sure there was another thing but I have forgotten because it is late. 😂 Oh yes, respect.

Each of these values urges me to consider different actions and I’m generally torn between two opposing ideas. So I try to straddle it in the middle somewhere to the disappointment of everyone including myself lol.

This is all still relatively new to me and I am just trying to figure things out. I’m historically terrible with group conflicts because of my childhood trauma.

I’m honestly okay at the moment. I have had my medication and am feeling better if there is anything else you would like to share? 😊

Hi Anita

I see that you are vulnerable, as are we all. We have all had significant past traumas.

I’m sorry to hear that you have been suffering and feeling very distressed because of the conflict. ❤️

I appreciate the gesture of goodwill that you are trying to soften things with some positivity. ❤️

I’m sorry to hear that you felt hurt and betrayed by the message I wrote. Thank you for explaining why you felt that way. ❤️

I have a question. Why didn’t you share that with me then?

My memory of this message was around when you initially shut down?

Right, I can see the misunderstanding. I wasn’t talking about what had just happened with Tee. I was addressing what happened previously. I’m sorry that felt invalidating. ❤️

As I said to Tee, I really value not criticising people. That was the mindset where I was coming from when I wrote the message. I wasn’t trying to criticise either of you.

I can explain my intention. I was talking from my understanding of Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have learned that during conflicts there are often multiple things going on behind my emotions. I might focus on the situation in front of me, but there is a multitude of things going on behind the scenes.

For people I have conflicts with, my childhood traumas are often alive. For people who I have had previous conflicts with, my past difficulties with them are often alive.

I often have difficulty trusting people for these reasons. Which is why I pointed out that I feel these things too in the comment.

It is natural for there to be difficulties with trust in these situations. It would be surprising if there weren’t.

I often find that all of these factors cause issues with my emotions. Making things more painful than they actually are. Bringing up fears.

I don’t mean to cause offence, I only became aware of all of this layering of emotion recently.

I find it really helpful to try to unpick past traumas from the current situation and make an effort to see things from a more neutral perspective. I was just trying to help.

I thought it might hurt less to view Tee through a lens of someone who is trustworthy and caring because objectively I do believe her to be that way.

So do you disagree? You don’t feel like engaging with someone who you’ve previously had conflict with and haven’t built a rapport with is potentially triggering when another conflict occurs?

I’m sorry that you don’t see me as being neutral. I do try my best, it is difficult to balance things because I have a complicated set of values. I’m still trying to figure things out.

I actually do express my discomfort. I believe I expressed it pretty clearly during the conflict.

I can understand how it leads to feeling invalidated. When I try to stay neutral within reason, I’m also trying to be aware of different people’s needs. It is nigh impossible for two opposing parties in a conflict to both feel that their needs are being met at the same time.

I’m sorry that I made you feel this way, I certainly didn’t mean to.

Placate – making someone less angry or hostile

If I am doing this with both parties, trying to calm down a situation, how am I taking sides? And if I am doing this with both parties how does the person naming harm become the problem? When you talk about someone naming harm, are you talking about yourself here?

I know that naming harm is something that you consider important to your healing, but when it comes to communication, naming harm is criticism. Do you see the conundrum?

Sorry, I have a few more questions. I know that in general you don’t like criticism. Why do you not like it? How does it make you feel? Do you agree that negative criticism can easily be perceived as an insult?

I would encourage you to reflect on the conversation you just had with Tee and remember that whilst you may have been talking to Tee, the subject that Tee just brought up was how I was treat in the conflict.

There is no need to agree to disagree. I can speak for myself. I was hurt by the things that were said. ❤️

Anita,

regarding naming harm:

My SOCJ thread isn’t just a journal. It’s a reclamation of voice after years of emotional silencing. It’s a space where I assert boundaries, name harm, and integrate my story.

Yes, I was talking about myself when I referred to someone naming harm. That’s a central part of my healing process. I don’t see naming harm as criticism, though I understand that others might. For me, it’s about reclaiming my voice and protecting my emotional clarity.

You do realize that you listed me and Alessa as people who abused you, similarly like your mother did? (people who continue my mother’s work of invalidation and judgment).

Whereas I’m not denying that you were truly harmed and abused by your mother, and you have a legitimate need to talk about it and name that abuse (i.e. name the harm), the fact is that me and Alessa weren’t really abusing you. It is your perception that we were.

You are claiming that we were, because that’s how you felt. But perhaps you should ask people on this forum whether either me or Alessa behaved in an abusive manner towards you? Whether we really participated in those deeds that you’re accusing us of?

Were we really abusive, or you perceived us like that?

Were we really your abusers, or rather victims of your false perception and emotional reasoning? (emotional reasoning is a cognitive distortion where the person concludes something is true based on their feelings rather than on facts or logic).

Perhaps we should introduce a little reality check in this whole endeavor.

I would actually like to ask those who are reading this, if you care to answer: do you feel that either me or Alessa were abusive to Anita, i.e. that we criticized, invalidated, judged, dismissed, misused or tried to hurt Anita – all of which she claimed that we did?

Hi Tee

I can really only speak to my own experience. I can understand why Anita was hurt by what I said. Was it my intention? No, but people get hurt by things unintentionally and especially during conflict. I can see that I made mistakes during that conflict on both sides.

I have learned that it can make people feel uncomfortable by commenting on what they might be experiencing. I was also not talking about the conflict that was ongoing, so I can understand why she might worry and feel blamed or invalidated. I apologize for any hurt caused.

Personally, I find that C-PTSD is a bear to deal with around conflict. I have fears of being abused and yet conflict is normal in relationships. It is very hard to reconcile the two.

I feel like stressful situations are real challenges, especially when I’m already stressed. I cannot cope with the stress in a healthy way without medication at the moment.

It isn’t my fault that I have PTSD and Autism. It isn’t my fault that I get overwhelmed sometimes especially when things are difficult. It is my responsibility to try to make healthier choices and find ways to navigate such a complicated situation by trying my best not to hurt others. I care about this deeply. ❤️

I see that you are in pain, because your needs are not being met and you are misunderstood. I understand you Tee. ❤️

Tee—I regret that things escalated to this point. I imagine this has been painful for you too.

Anita,

But no empathy and no goodwill from you, Tee—only accusation, repeated accusation. Not even once did you give me any credit for returning to this thread and addressing the conflict as best I can.

Well, have you, Anita? Have we expressed any words of regret or apology for repeatedly accusing me and Alessa on your thread? You only expressed your own pain, your upset when you were told to stop posting, but completely disregarded how your words and actions might have impacted us.

Is this how you show goodwill? To keep talking about your own pain, but dismissing the pain caused by your own actions?

But I owe you one thing, Anita. You said that my post from August 7 disturbed you the most:

The post I submitted:
Anita: The objective event that distressed me most was this post by Tee (Aug 7):

“Excerpt from Anita’s post: ‘I was thinking: if I share this here, will some people rejoice in my pain? Will some people go: Yea! The **** got hurt!? This is what crossed my mind, following recent interactions here, in the forums.’

The above is called projection. Projecting one’s own hateful thoughts and feelings on others, believing that others harbor the said thoughts and feelings. Well, they don’t. But the person is convinced they are. And so they launch an attack, a smear campaign, throwing dirt on their targets. Should that be allowed in a public space? That one member throws dirt on other members, based on their distorted thinking? I don’t think so. Lori has been informed.”

When Tee accused me of “projecting”—suggesting I would rejoice in others’ pain—that disturbed me deeply. It wasn’t true.

Anita to Tee: Would you be willing to reconsider the content of the post you submitted on Aug 7? Perhaps you were wrong.

I am willing to rephrase what I said:

I don’t want to claim that you were projecting, but that you were insinuating (that we might rejoice in your pain and would call you derogatory names). I apologize for using the term “projection”, when it wasn’t true.

I don’t want to claim that you launched a smear campaign, but that you repeatedly, in multiple posts of yours, over a period of a week, spoke badly of us, accusing us of mistreating you (judging you, invalidating you, criticizing you, misusing you and being dismissive of you).

I don’t insist on calling this behavior a smear campaign. However, I do believe that “throwing dirt” is an appropriate colloquial expression of what you have been doing.

So to answer your question, I might have been wrong, i.e. not precise enough in the use of those specific expressions (projection and smear campaign). However, I don’t feel wrong about seeing your accusations as unfair and hurtful, and wanting to protect myself (and Alessa) from them, by asking Lori to intervene.

Hi Tee

I’m really sorry! I see your pain. ❤️

I try my best to be patient. It can take time for people to apologise. It can be hard for some people and I don’t mind waiting to revisit the discussion when Anita is up for it. She did say that she was feeling overwhelmed and I feel like engaging whilst you’re overwhelmed is not very helpful for either person. People make mistakes when they’re overwhelmed. It can be helpful to take a break from the conversation.

I have a question, what does an apology mean to you? I feel like apologies can mean different things to different people.

For me, apologies are about being respectful and showing a commitment to trying not to repeat mistakes.

I don’t believe that everything is fine. But conflicts are not always easy or solved instantly. ❤️

I noticed that Anita is trying to offer you some empathy here.

“Tee—I regret that things escalated to this point. I imagine this has been painful for you too.”