Dear Alessa,

seems I did misinterpret some things…. for example, I didn’t know how incredibly courageous you were when you stood up to your stepfather to protect your step-sister:

When I moved in my sister was being threatened with a knife by the stepfather and screamed at. I stopped that very quickly. I just said if you don’t stop picking on her I will report you to the police and you will be in jail so fast your head will spin. If you want to hit someone you can hit me, but you will end up in jail for it. Any just like that it immediately stopped.

Wow, that’s something! You stood up to a man who was holding a knife! And you said just the right things to make him stop and never threaten your sister (or you) again. Kudos to you, Alessa!

I would say for my brother it was mostly about not provoking my biological mother. She had a lot of strict rules that needed to be followed. My brother wasn’t really invested in following them.

I understand your biological mother was very abusive to you, and merciless, and so no wonder you tried everything to prevent her from getting provoked. And when your brother wasn’t behaving well, that was a threat for both of you…

I know you’ve done a lot of healing work on that, parts of which you’ve shared here on the forums as well. You’ve done some amazing inner child work and protected your inner child from your abusive mother. I think you’ve come a long way on your healing journey ❤️

Alcoholism was a theme in both families.

My goodness! How is it possible that you got adopted by a family with an alcohol problem? The mother drinking, and the father threatening his daughter with a knife??

Although you said you and your half-sister were friends beforehand – perhaps that’s how? (please feel free not to answer any questions that feel uncomfortable to you)

I didn’t get too much of the abuse from the family because I would just walk away when they started on me.

I guess they were less abusive than your biological mother, and so you could always protect yourself, right?

I tried my best, but I wasn’t perfect by a long shot.

I think you did great considering the circumstances! You did your best to protect your brother and yourself from your very abusive and dangerous mother. You also did your best to protect your siblings and yourself from your relatively less abusive (but still abusive!) adoptive parents. In my eyes, you’re a hero, Alessa! ❤️

I haven’t had contact with my brother since I left. I gave him my number but he never called.

Oh I see… that’s what I’ve assumed wrong. You’re not trying to help your brother any longer – you’ve lost contact and he wasn’t interested in reaching out to you.

My sister tries her best and grew out of her behavioural difficulties.

I’m very glad to hear that!

Well I guess it depends how important the issue is to me. If it’s not that important I’ll just process it on my own. But if it’s important and requires discussion, I’ll wait for a bit until the person seems like they would be in a more receptive mood.

That’s a very healthy approach, Alessa. Very reasonable. So you’re not avoiding discussing important issues.

Perhaps when you said:

I guess it is just the keeping things inside. I wish that other people didn’t feel so much pain and could see me.

… you meant that you wish people would notice if something was bothering you, or would inquire about you, not only focus on themselves? That they would be more receptive to your needs, without you having to expressly tell them and ask things for yourself?

(again, no need to answer if you don’t feel like it) But yeah, that can hurt… if the relationship is one-sided and one party is sensitive to the other party’s needs, but they’re not receiving the same care and attention in return. You ask them how they are, they don’t ask you how you are…

Anyway, just a thought, please disregard if it doesn’t apply. I think you’re doing a great job giving yourself care and attention – being responsive to your own needs – and that’s what’s most important ❤️

Hi Alessa,

thanks for your support regarding my health issues. Yes, I know that some people go to chiropractors, but as you said, you really need to know a good one, someone you can trust, because it can make things worse. Sadly, I don’t know anyone who could recommend a good chiropractor, so I prefer to stick with physical therapy and hope that it will work 🙏

And no, you’re not intruding, thank you for your empathy ❤️

Sadly, it wasn’t courage. I was just desensitised to being threatened with a knife and being hit. I wasn’t even scared because of what I’d been through with my mother.

Oh I see… poor you 🙁 I’m so glad that this nightmare is now behind you and that you’ve done a great deal of healing ❤️

Social worker was just really shoddy back then. They were looking to skip paperwork, cost of providing childcare, legal fees and protocol with informal adoption. Because they were family friends I was literally dropped off and social work never even bothered to get back in touch again.

I am thankful that I wasn’t alone. I didn’t feel able to cope on my own at the time.

Oh I see… so it was more of an informal adoption? Even if social work knew about it, they didn’t care whether the family you were going to was safe enough, right? But I understand that for you, it was much better than being left alone (or perhaps be placed in foster care, with some unknown people?)

Yes, it was easy to protect myself with my adopted family in comparison.

I am glad that your adoptive family wasn’t as abusive, and that you felt some relief, comparatively ❤️

Yes, that and I feel like I’m a bit impatient and get a bit anxious and frustrated waiting for the right time to discuss things. I prefer it when people are easy to talk to.

Right… waiting for the person to be more receptive and in a better mood, specially if they themselves are in pain a lot, as you said. I can imagine that this might make you feel like you don’t have the right to discuss something that’s important to you, not to disturb them even more?

I think being a bit skittish around negative feelings just makes it feel like I’m not being accepted. But I realised recently that I’m not accepting the other person when I’m being resistant like that.

You mean if the person expresses some negativity about their own issues (complains about something in their own life), you feel like they’re not accepting you, even if they’re not complaining about you? So you feel resistance to them expressing anything negative – which is kind of the opposite extreme of what you did before, when you felt you needed to soothe them and make sure you take care of their needs, at the expense of your own? Am I understanding this right?

❤️

Hi Alessa,

yeah, spine is a specially tricky thing… I’ve arranged to see someone today, actually, so hopefully will know more soon 🙏

I’m okay with people sharing their feelings. … What I mean is that I feel rejected when people don’t respond positively to me sharing my feelings. I know that people don’t see eye to eye sometimes and have different emotional experiences. It’s just a bit stressful when you don’t feel understood and also when you don’t understand someone else’s feelings.

Oh I see, you don’t feel heard sometimes. People are either too bothered with their own stuff (and you don’t even feel like sharing in those moments), or they kind of minimize your experience because they themselves don’t feel the same way (“people don’t see eye to eye sometimes and have different emotional experiences”). And that’s when you feel rejected, right?

It’s just a bit stressful when you don’t feel understood and also when you don’t understand someone else’s feelings. Part of it is my autism, because I do have difficulties understanding others sometimes unless they explain.

Oh I see.. but I guess you’re very receptive to people sharing their own feelings, right? I mean, you give them room to share, you really listen to them?

But it doesn’t really leave much room for me does it?

Unfortunately yes, if they’re not receptive (if they either don’t have the capacity or they sort of dismiss your feelings), you can’t do much. You said you do try to talk to them, if it’s about something important. (Of course, the question is how they respond – whether they do take into account your needs or not).

But when it’s not an important issue, the only thing you can do it to validate your own feelings, not expect them to validate you. It’s important that you know how you feel and that you don’t minimize or dismiss your own feelings (and your own needs).

I know that you already do a lot of self-care and self-soothing, which means you’re validating your own feelings already. But perhaps letting go of the need to get that validation from certain less receptive people would be the next step for you?

Of course, this is just a suggestion, as always ❤️