Thanks so much everyone. 🙏 He was a good boy. ❤️

Hi Alessa,

good to hear from you again! I hope you’ve recovered a little after the loss of your beloved dog ❤️

Yes, I’m a fan of do unto others as well. 😊 I think people have a lot of difficulty with love thy neighbour too, possibly because they have difficulties with loving themselves?

Yes, you’re really super caring with others, at least this is what I’m witnessing on this forum ❤️ And yes, I believe whenever people are harsh and uncaring towards others, that’s because they have a problem loving themselves…

Trauma does make things complicated. One of the hardest things is that once the experience is over it still continues in the mind.

I do have boundaries and stand up for myself. It is just that I don’t try as hard for myself as for other people. Boundaries and standing up for myself is a bare minimum. As you suggested before, cutting back on the effort I put into people who don’t put effort into me. The energy that I spend elsewhere could be spent on me.

Yes, trauma can make us hypervigilant and keen to please others, because that was our survival mechanism in childhood. That’s how we might have ensured to be “loved” and accepted, or even how we prevented physical abuse. Standing up for ourselves might really feel scary, even if we’re in completely different circumstances now, as adults…

It’s good that you do have boundaries and can stand up for yourself. Maybe the problem is that you give up standing up for yourself after a while? Perhaps staying in the relationship is more important to you than the person respecting your boundaries?

I think that most people (at least those who are emotionally healthy) are kind and wouldn’t have a problem respecting your boundaries when you ask them. But there are people who unfortunately don’t care about our boundaries and don’t have a problem crossing them. I guess you have a problem with that kind of people? Those who ignore your boundaries, and then you’d need to stand your ground, but you sometimes have a hard time doing that, because it feels uncomfortable to stay in conflict with them for too long?

I think I’ve been on both sides of the spectrum. Being too hard on people and going too easy on them. It is hard to find a balance.

That’s understandable. Finding a balanced approach is not easy, being assertive, and neither aggressive nor overly permissive. If I remember well, you said that nowadays you’re able to self-soothe when you feel that the other person isn’t respecting your boundaries. Whereas in the past you might have felt unable to self-soothe, and so you felt a greater pressure to react and “demand” that you be respected? Do you think that might be the reason why you’re more “lenient” nowadays?

But perhaps now you’re keen to preserve the relationship and are even hoping that the other person would change if you’re patient enough? And so you put a lot of effort in the relationship (“the effort I put into people who don’t put effort into me. The energy that I spend elsewhere could be spent on me”), even when the person is not really interested in changing their behavior?

This is just an idea, of course, doesn’t mean it’s true for you…

How are you otherwise, Alessa? I figure busy with your studies (and taking care of your son, of course)? ❤️