Hi anita,

I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching and forgiving these past months. It’s helped me to put a lot of this experience to rest.

As for being infatuated, maybe not with him, but definitely still infatuated with my fantasy idea of him. I also know that in the times since when I have seen him, sometimes in the company of another woman, I feel really really ill, like I’m going to pass out ill. It’s a really strong reaction but I’ve built him up in my mind as this huge threat so my body reacts accordingly.

However, I’m one of these highly sensitive types and in the past I’ve had to spend a long hard time getting over things. This could be learned behaviour (my dad does the same thing, about people who wronged him in the past) or something about my brain chemistry. I can see everything clearly, logically in my brain but that hurt pride is a deep wound. I don’t tend to make myself vulnerable with people very much so it felt like a very big deal.

I think one of the hang-ups has to do with this idea of sex. I’d consider myself a very sensual person (tmi? lol) and definitely interested, but with the right fore-play etc. It was very hurtful to hear that I wasn’t enough in this capacity (as a lover) because I was A., a virgin and B., not ready to enter that part of a relationship yet (I was getting used to the idea that someone wanted to date me). So anyway, while I know why my reaction was to pull away from wanting to have sex with him this criticism still hurts and makes me concerned that I won’t find someone who will be patient and loving. I mean, there must be someone else, but with all the quarantining business it feels like I will never get back out there!

I think that he probably felt slighted by that. I do know from someone else who had slept with him that he is, in fact, not “great” in bed. So, I was right there, hah!

Hi anita,

Yes! It is a work-in-progress…

I think what bugs me is the idea that he will go on being this way and I won’t get any kind of “I was wrong, I am very sorry” kind of response. There’s a lot of guys who think this sampling women and casual sex attitude is the way to go about dating. I tend to disagree. At least, it’s not for everyone. What do you think?

LW

Hi anita,

Yes, this is what I am ultimately looking for, and what my closest friends have told me I should look for too.

I replied to another thread about being single and suggested that my guard was kind of down for this guy (who I had heard rumours about, and who had shown some questionable behaviour in the past). I think I really fell for his infatuation and his near-love bombing. Add in that he claimed to have had little success with women (perhaps his behaviour is to blame?) and that he’s not exactly handsome and I kind of went for it, feasting on the breadcrumbs he’d offered as he was “courting me” so to speak.

I will look, but I also know I need to forge my own way in life. I want to finish my degree and when done that I have plans to do another and then enter the job market with that accreditation. Who knows, maybe I’ll meet someone through work. What I know for sure is I want tot stop putting so much energy into thinking about my “singleness” as some kind of life-defining thing. It’s not a physical characteristic, or a personal flaw. It doesn’t define me, my interests, who I am, my worth as a human being.

For some of my friends, one in particular, her singleness has become an obsession, and she views almost every guy she meets and is attracted to as a potential life partner, I think. Very very intent to “fix” this one thing and cure all of her underlying psychological issues. I love her dearly but it is hard to be around that kind of energy and not have some of it enter your own psyche, you know?

LW

Hi anita,

May I ask if you have any advice as to desensitizing those things that remind me of him, or are associated with him? How can I not feel so horrible every time we inevitably run into one another?

I have gone down the path of being angry and hostile about them, but in the end this doesn’t exactly help. I should probably add that my “removal” from his life didn’t come without its own drama (from me, because I was so upset by his ignoring me and my request to “chat”). I guess he thought I wanted to get back together (I did, to be honest, and his avoiding me probably was for the best but, it still hurt that although he “didn’t not want me in his life” when we ended things, he didn’t seem to think it mattered that I was upset. I suppose I can imagine not wanting to face me but, it seems only respectful, you know?

So, having said some harsh words and severing him in a very dramatic way, I still feel uncomfortable in his presence. Maybe he does in mine, too. It’s just kind of sad, how people treat each other.

But it makes me feel lame, I guess, for expecting more from the guys I date. Expecting to be treated with some respect and not just shrug my shoulders and move on immediately once it’s over.

I’m not too sure why these thoughts have come up for me lately. I think it may have to do with my impending return to the city. The very apartment where I was living… it all has some bad memories, you know?

LW

Good morning, @anita,

Yes. I will work toward desensitizing in this manner. It’s a good tactic.

Here is a bit more of the story post-break, when I was becoming increasingly crazy about this very brief affair…

I remember the first time I saw him after a few months post-break, I had this sense he would appear and there he was. I actually hid myself under the desk I was at (leaned down) and busied myself with my phone. I was the only other person in the room!! It was a very intense fear reaction, and he just left without saying anything, which I thought was kind of cowardly but I guess under the circumstance, not unbelievable.

So a day or so later I took the initiative to ask, or rather say, “We should talk?” indicating, I’d like to talk. Maybe he took this as, we should be on speaking terms. His reply “Yeah, it’d be nice to be able to co-exist.” I called him out on this one, since it came across pretty rude, which he apologized for (I think) or said like, “Sorry, wasn’t meant to.”

So three months or so go by and no talk, different excuses like “I’m really busy”… which maybe, but also, if it were important enough, you’d make the time.

Once I tried to make it easier for him to say something by quickly packing up my things and leaving just as he did. I guess pretty sneaky but, standing by the elevator to go out and looking over at him as he left the workroom, he very carefully kept a neutral expression, kept eyes straight ahead, and walked into the bathroom. Mind you, it’s a small space and I was the only other person there. Perhaps I seemed to be trying to corner him, I don’t know. But then some days he would greet me and say “Hi” or whatever, and then there’d be days where he would flat out ignore me as above.

Finally after these months I was like, o.k., I’m sick of this tension, I’m going to start the conversation. And it was okay, just pleasant, but he avoided my eyes and so it felt rsther one-sided. Later, over text, he asked if I was going to a colleague’s party and I said, maybe. He said he’d let me know if he got his work doneon time to go… and of course did not. I half knew no message would come but that night was a breaking point. I decided, okauy, I’m done with this guy’s games for good.

This may be a tactic of freezing me out, passive aggression, I don’t know. But it’s pretty slimey and cowardly, I think, considering A. all the romantic-y lines he freely used (“I was playing the field but now I only wanna focus on you” (at the time I was like, LOL!, and I should have listened! Thought it was just an awkward guy’s awkward flirting), and later suggesting he really did care about me even if it wasn’t going to be romantic (I get it, guys do this)

B. That we have to work together. And, that he has made other women in our department feel similarly uncomfortable coming into work. Like, who keeps doing this!?

So began my now 5 month stint of not working on campus. I guess it’s avoidance-coping, which isn’t exactly the best, I know. But neither is the extreme stress and sadness I feel when I see him around… And I know that being away from the trigger just makes it seem bigger in your mind but, since changing up my routine I have brought in a lot of new, really positive things into my life and new positive people who actually appreciate me and don’t have me questioning my worth.

I have long been a shy and quite reserved person. I don’t let people “in” very easily so when I do it’s like my vulnerability goes from 15% to 95%, you know? This is probably why it has been so hard to get over this problem. That and having to actually see the creep on a regular basis.

But now here I go, inviting him into my mind when he is not here physically. An unfortunate thing. I’ve wasted so much mental energy on this loser.

Sorry to end on a down note!! Hah! I must get back to my editing work…

I hope you have a very pleasant day, dear anita.

LW