Hi both,

@anita, yes, I do see how this is the case. It really does upset me, it is true, to realize it.

Does any of what I related above suggest a possible reason, though, behind my feelings? It’s hard to convey over the internet, and harder still since you don’t know me personally, all the other things that go into making me who I am. But I suppose I am looking for someone to say, yes, this was not a nice way to be treated. Does this make sense?

@Kiawaki, I have had this suggested before. You know, I think probably my idealized notion of romance came from what I was told about my parents’ meeting and marriage… I grew up thinking that the guy made these romantic gestures, the woman reciprocated, and then it was a done deal. Obviously I knew this wasn’t always the case but, I mean i was pretty much low when he came along and wanted to be wanted, you know?

Regarding my ruminating lately on the message board… well I have to say that I’m a bit disappointed in myself. I guess I’m still looking around for people to fight my corner, in a sense, to support my feelings and be on my side. But, in general I am way beyond him, not looking for any kind of reconciliation at all. Nor am I still pining after him or anything.

Instead, I am trying to build my resilience toward life and especially those situations when things go awry, or relationships end badly (anyone else I’ve ever lost contact with has just faded out… no drama). So I think in relating these stories I’m looking for others’ perspectives, and someone to say, “Yeah, makes sense that you struggled there.” I hate to think I sound whiny or like the problem, you know? I know I acted a little irrationally but like, it was very stressful!

LW

Hi anita,

My apologies if I came across as frustrated. I think I have posted much more here than I probably should have, allowing these questions to take up more mental space than they have done for some time. I find myself posting here when I am experiencing a very low moment and need a release. It’s a diary of sorts for me.

What I meant was, yes I see how it has been more an “in my own head” relationship than a real physical one. What I meant was , it makes me sad to think I have allowed it to become that. I have a tendency to ruminate (couldn’t you guess! hah) so this is, I suppose, not without some basis in just who I am. However, I would like to learn to move beyond that. I am working on it.

So, how do others cope? How can I forgive myself behaving very foolishly over this person and just let go?

LW

Hi anita,

Thanks, and glad to clear that up 🙂 I was a bit frazzled, concerned I had annoyed you. This site is a kind of outlet for me, perhaps not always the best (sometimes I should be out doing something ‘productive’ instead of inside thinking unproductively), but in general a safe space and I always enjoy reading your replies.

I worry I tend toward playing the victim. I don’t like this behaviour in myself, but when I see it in others I try to show compassion. I think I need to show some compassion to myself, as well. I heard a quote recently, unrelated to relationships but quite apt, something like… we don’t get annoyed with ourselves for getting lost in a place without a map and the same should go for life’s experiences… We aren’t born knowing exactly how to behave and handle every situation.

And yes, I may tend to have strong emotions but how I can see this in a positive light? Perhaps I can say, well I have a strong moral compass. But I will remember to keep this in check and not moralize over others. We’re all on our own paths.

Yes, this last point does make sense and I like the elevator metaphor. I briefly saw a therapist who explained how sometimes, when our frontal lobe (thinking, reasoning) gets over activated we “relapse” to lizard brain and go can into fight or flight, or shut down mode. She was suggesting this could explain the tendency to freak out, crash, and hide away. The idea is to keep an even balance. [My explanation of brain biology isn’t the best but you get the gist!]

In the past year I’ve sought a lot of mindfulness activities. I did pottery, and have taken up my gardening again. I like doing these things which create something beautiful.

LW

Hi anita,

Yes!!! This is certainly a major concern.I have a very analytical mind and I try to figure out every problem in this way. The problem is, I am dealing with human beings and not computers! Sometimes there is no way of sorting out eveyr single kink and event. Sh*t happens, there’s not always an explanation. But 9 times out of 10, it’s not really anyone’s fault, it just is.

It was true that what helped was getting attention from guys (not just for my looks but for my personality too) which seemed to prove I was totally date-able.

As a bit of context, and this is now many years in the past but I once knew a man who I thought was interested in me, and I was interested him so I told him so. But he soon met a woman I viewed as my better, more extroverted, confident, attractive. Seeing her take his interest was, for me (at the time), proof that I was not enough, or that men wanted more. Truth was, I wanted men who were more than he could be, do you see what I mean?

I think my self confidence is such that I often really internalize what people say to me. There are things from many years ago that still come to mind occasionally and sometimes they still rattle me. Once I was called “aloof” by an older man (mid 50s, I was a teenager) who worked at the place I worked and whose attention I perceived at the time as creepy. My strategy was to try and keep conversations short, as a way of protecting myself I guess (we were working alone in a secluded area). Even though I didn’t exactly like him, his estimation about my character stuck with me. Aloofness has, often, a negative connotation. I figured he meant snobby or rude, but really I was just a nervous 14 year old. So when guys at school didn’t seem to notice me either… or get pushed away by my shy and reserved nature… I figured I was the problem.

LW

I suppose I have been trying to treat this dialogue too much as a therapist relationship, which is both unfair to you and unproductive for me. If I seem to be laying out too much information or scattered in my thinking, this is not the case. Rather I am trying to paint a fuller picture of where I am coming from re: relationships and men.

I think I will step back from posting here for a while. I’m not sure what I am looking for in posting but in general I think obsessing over long-dead facts in my life, and dredging them up for strangers on the internet to assess, is not the right direction.