So i feel like i need to give background on the whole situation for you to really understand the context of this. I was with a boyfriend for a year in my first year of uni and the relationship was awful, we fought almost every day and we were doing long distance so didnt see eachother much. On top of this, i didn’t have very good friends that i could really rely on and ended up settling for people that were “okay”. We had broken up and I felt quite good about it, i was sad for a while but i knew it was the right thing to do.

2 weeks after we broke up i slept with a guy and we quickly became quite attached to eachother. we had a lot in common and enjoyed spending time with eachother. I wasn’t fully over my ex when this was happening but i was open and honest with this guy and told him that i wasnt sure if i wanted to be exclusive. He said he respected that and we were talking all summer long via facebook. I was developing feelings for him throughout this time and i knew that we were going to end up in a relationship, but i was unsure about the timing as i didnt feel like i had enough time to really be happy on my own and not being dependent on anyone else.

We got into a relationship after the summer (this was my 2nd year of uni) and i had the time of my life. We got along so great and really understood eachother, we never had any fights (apart from a few arguments but never turned into anything serious). I had sort of ditched my other “friends” cus i had so much more fun with him than i had with anyone else. This past summer was incredible as well as we had gone on holiday together multiple times. Everything was essentially perfect.

The new school year began and thats when things started to get bad. I had awful anxiety and started to feel really lonely as the same “friends” i was living with started ignoring me and didnt acknowledge me at all when i was around. I began realizing that I didnt really have any real friends at uni and essentially was only with my boyfriend a lot of the time. I did enjoy being with him, but i definitely missed what real friends can offer. I started considering maybe having a break from him so i can focus on myself for a while, but i quickly disregarded it. One night i had a panic attack that I didnt love him anymore, and thats when the ROCD and depression kicked in. I was obsessing over whether i loved him whilst being extremely depressed. I was constantly crying, suiciadal ideation, and he took care of me the entire time. I told him about the ROCD and he was so understanding about it, which made me feel even worse.

over the course of September to beginning of January it was constant up and down of ROCD and depressive episodes from feeling like “I’m in love with him” to not being able to feel anything and just wanting to die. My grandpa also passed away during this time which was upsetting, but i dont feel like i was even able to process it properly because of all the obsessing about my boyfriend. I’ve been having CBT since october to help with all this. On top of this, my friends that i was living with did nothing for me, so i had essentially no contact with anyone other than my boyfriend. He told me that i needed to move out and find new housemates, and at the time i agreed but thought that as long as I was with him everything would be fine.

The worst depressive episode was when i had spent New Years eve with him and his Friends in London, and I felt numb the entire time i was there. I felt like i couldnt feel any kind of emotions towards anyone and this upset me, as i felt like i couldnt feel towards my boyfriend as well. On the bus journey home i was crying the entire way, and spent 4 days in bed wanting to kill myself. I kept thinking that if i broke up with him i would be completely alone and no one would want to be with me (not romantically just be associated with me in general). The fact that i had these thoughts troubled me at the same time cus i kept thinking that if i was really in love with him id only be sad about not being with him not anything else.

I got out of the episode and went back to uni. The second i saw my boyfriend again i feel like i fell in love all over again, I was up in the clouds. For a week everything was great and i was trying to get my life back together. One evening as i was on my way to my boyfriends house, i went downstairs and my friends completely ignored me and didnt even acknowledge that i was even there. This really got to me a lot and started giving me anxiety again. I felt better once i saw my boyfriend, but then the ROCD thoughts slowly starting popping up. Over the course of the week i started feeling more and more distant, and realized that I didnt feel that in love feeling with him anymore and I couldnt fight it. I still love him to death, and im not sure if with all the depression/anxiety caused me to fall out of love with him or if i really just didnt love him all along, but I knew deep down that I needed to focus on myself and myself only.

We broke up 2 days ago and he was very understanding of where i was coming from. I feel relieved and happy to be getting my life back together, but now i feel like the OCD thoughts are playing on me in terms of what i should be feeling during this time. Sometimes I’m crying and then other times I’m okay and feel optimistic. But when I’m feeling better I start to feel guilty and start thinking that maybe all I want to do is just be with other people and that I just got sick of him. I also start thinking thoughts like I was never in love with him in the first place because he already feels so distant to me. I dont know if this is a defense mechanism or not but its really bothering me. We said that we wouldnt rule out a future together at some point but for now it is permanent, but I’m uncertain as to whether or not I want a future with him now because I’m feeling more optimistic?

I just need some support and right now I’m all alone with no friends and I’m moving house next week with some new people who seem super friendly which has made me also feel better about the whole thing. It was heartbreaking to let him go and he was the best boyfriend anyone could ever have, and i just feel like i dont even know what im supposed to be feeling or what im feeling is real or not. I could just use someone to talk to 🙁