Home→Forums→Relationships→Broke up with married man and it’s devastated me!
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January 22, 2018 at 11:44 pm #188257NiyaParticipant
I just broke up with my boyfriend 2 weeks ago. He is a married man and he is 20 years older than me… I am 29 years old and he is 49 years old. We had 3 and half amazing years together.
Of course I knew dating a married man is a mistake but I couldn’t help myself, he is a great, caring person who treat me very well, and I feels like he is my everything, he tell me and show me things I never knew before!
First time I met him in bar and he asked my phone number and when we see each other on the next day, he told me that he is married and have 2 kids (20 yo and 17 yo) but at that time I don’t mind at all that he is married because I was thought we only have casual dating, I wasn’t love him yet but I do like him a lot because he is a nice guy. As the relationship continue and we know each other very well, I can feel it that I am falling in love with him because he make me a better person. I was such a mess before I met him, I do terrible thing in my past, drug and sleeping around… but he make me a positive person now, he make me a better person, I left all those terrible thing behind because of him, because I love him, because I want to be his good girlfriend. The way I am thinking about things right now is different than before because of him.
He tell me about his marriage life, nothing wrong with his marriage life, he is happy with his family and he also tell me his wife is a good person but when he met me and he feeling excitement happiness more than when he is with his wife, he couldn’t help his self to falling in love with me, he love 2 woman at the same time.
We live in different country, we only see each other every 2 weeks (only for 3 or 4 days every visit) everytime he had his business trip to my country or I am following him on his business trips to another country.
When I started to fall in love with him, I started feeling jealous of his wife and everytime we fight was always because I am jealous but he always being good about it, he always successed to calm me down, we fight a lot but we always manage to getting back together again… at that moment I knew he also falling in love with me and he did tell me that he love me.
So, Decemeber 2016 he moved to London because his work but his family stay, his family will be join him after his daughter finish her school this year. He wants me to come to London with him because he is alone there and we can live together like normal couple do, I agree and I am very happy because I can live together with him. Everytime his family come to London every school break, I go back to my country. So for the last 1 year I go back my country – London. The feeling when I live with him in same house is excited and happy, we live like normal couple, that makes me love him more and I don’t want to lose him.
Mid last year his wife find out about me, she was very suspicious about his behaviour and he admit it to her that he having an affair with me and also tell her that he love me. She cried and she want him to finish his relationship with me. He tell his wife that he already end his relationship with me, he was sad and confused he don’t want to end our relationship so we keep continue together behind her back. Since then his wife always checking on him…
Until October last year we had a big fight, again that is because my jealousy… I was very jealous everytime he make a phone call to his wife when we are together, I know I’m wrong, I shouldn’t do that but I really can’t help my jealousy because I love him so much… Christmas last year when he have his family time with his family in his country, his wife find out about me again, she was devastated and begging him to stay with her and begging him to give her a chance to fix their marriage life, she is also tell him that if he is not happy with her within 1 or 2 years he can always go back to me. And he told her that he is going to make decision but he need to see me first before he make his decision, so he visit me in my country even though that is against her wish…
On 1st January this year he came to my country to visit me but he haven’t make any decision yet, he said he need to see me first before he make his decision… we had a good time together and I was sure 100% he is going to choose me, he gave me imaginary scenes how if we live together forever. He confused about the decision, he worry that if he choose her and he is not happy with her, he will be regret with his decision and when he try to find me again I might be already move on and marry with another guy. He tell me that no matter what his decision is he will be hurting someone he love, either that is me or her.1 week after we spend time together, he have to fly back to London, I took him to airport and he hug me tight and he is cried, he said he gonna miss me a lot… at that day I can feel it something bad is going to happen.
3 days after he go back to London, he call me… he said he can’t do this, he choose his wife, he need to give her a chance. My knees suddenly weak and I can’t breathe… I cry, he cry! He said there is nothing wrong about me and he love me so much but he think he need to give her a chance after all that is 25 years marriage and he can’t just throw it away. He said that is the hardest decision he made on his life.
I am devastated… I tried to bargain with him, I tell him I don’t mind to be his mistress and I promise I will be a better person for him but he said he can’t… I ask him, will he be happy with her? He said he doesn’t know… that is why he is going to give her a chance and see what is going to happen. He say if he is not happy with her, he will tell me and he will find me… but he wants me to move on don’t wait for him.
Everyday since we break up, we keep contact and talk on the phone but less texting, even though he said that we need to talk less but I keep text and call him because that is makes me much better… He said to me that he will not stop contact with me, he want to keep checking on me until I feel better, he want to be friend. And I am glad that he still care about me and still want to contact with me… and we agree that in 2 years we will meet again and we will have holiday together, even if he is happy or not with his wife we will still do that plan.
Deep down in my heart of course I am still hoping he will change his mind and come back to me but I know I have to move on, it is very hard to move on for me because he is my true love, he is my world, I can’t stop thinking about him. Every night I cry myself until I fall asleep and when I woke up I feels sad and wishing I can sleep forever and forget about my pain and my broken heart.
I am look forward to our holiday together in 2 years, I know 2 years is a long time but I will wait.So my questions is – should I wait for him? I really want to wait for him but I don’t want to disappointed again. He is all what I want!
I always hoping he will not be happy with his wife and he come back to me again, I know that is very terrible thought but I just can’t help myself… I am feeling empty, I am feeling lost.I know this is wrong to fall in love with married man but I really couldn’t help myself because he is very perfect and he understand me. If I can control my feeling of course I will choose a single man to fall in love with but that is beyond my control. That is also why I never blame him when he broke up with me because he love me and he can’t control that too and he need to give her a chance… I will give him space he need as long he come back to me again, I don’t mind to wait for 2 years and I know if we back together after we broke up it will make us stronger than ever.
January 23, 2018 at 10:53 am #188289MarkParticipantI find it hard whenever I hear/read a girl’s story of how bad the relationship is but cannot leave it because she loves him. I feel pain for her because that means to me she does not love herself enough.
If you truly want any guidance then start with the Loving Kindness (Metta) Meditation. Susan Salzberg originated it but you can find versions of it on YouTube. This will help you with compassion for yourself (as well for others).
You stated in the present tense that he is controlling, unloyal (does that mean he is dishonest and sleeps around?), immature, and treats you poorly. Is this someone who can love well? Is this someone you can partner with? As you said, the Cons outweigh the Pros.
I would really recommend examining why you don’t value yourself enough with your willingness to stay with him. I recommend seeing a therapist to help you gain a better insight on yourself on why you want to stay with such a person. Having the reason on not leaving because you are scared of starting over is not a good reason. I don’t think how you think what “love” is is sufficient. That is not love but co-dependence and attachment.
Focus on making your life better with school and other healthier relationships (not just boyfriends but friends).
MarkJanuary 23, 2018 at 10:58 am #188295AnonymousGuestDear Niya:
You wrote that you know that it is wrong to have a relationship with a married man. But you don’t feel that it is wrong, I figure, because you were so unhappy and troubled before you met him. But since you met him, you feel much better. So it doesn’t feel wrong. Am I correct?
Would you like to share more about the distress before you met him, you mentioned drugs and sleeping around. What was that about?
And is that distress gone now as you still have contact with him and are waiting for the holiday scheduled with him in two years?
anita
January 23, 2018 at 11:18 am #188311MarkParticipantPlease ignore my post. It was put under the wrong person’s posting. I cannot delete it. I can only flag it. It now shows it as “Inappropriate Content.”
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Mark.
January 23, 2018 at 3:28 pm #188369InkyParticipanttest
January 23, 2018 at 3:30 pm #188371InkyParticipantOK, before I couldn’t reply for some reason…
OK, he isn’t leaving his wife even though the kids are grown.
And he wants to see you in two years because he’s hoping against hope that you’ll meet someone new.
When a man loves a woman, NOTHING will keep him away.
Keep your dignity. Lose the married fellow. Unless and until, of course, he’s not married.
Inky
January 23, 2018 at 3:48 pm #188375ElianaParticipantHi Niya,
Not a good idea to date a married man. You will never be his first priority. Once I dated a married man, my friends called me a “homewrecker”. I’m sure that’s not what you want for your life. Someone’s secret. So, my only advice on dating a married man, is no..no..and no. Don’t go there. x
September 16, 2018 at 6:01 pm #225971Ange66ParticipantHey girl, don’t fall for the illusion that these types of men put out. They choose younger girls like yourself for a reason and someone that needs “saving” because they know a woman in her 20’s or even early 30’s has time to waste and have fun. He doesn’t choose women his age, because they have experience and wisdom, ( his shit stink!) They use your weakness to manipulate and control you. They are actually very bad with a mask showing that they care and that you need them. Actually, if you read about a pimps tactics…it is very similar psychology. You need to practice some self love and have self reliance. He is not in control of your happiness and healing. It is actually quite the opposite, because he keeps feeding off your energy because you are a sensitive and loving person. He is also just another addiction, which is why you are digging yourself a bigger hole. You will feel more empty and depressed than before you started with him, making you believe that he is the cause to happiness. No! He is robbing you of your happiness. True love should make you feel safe and warm. He didn’t choose you because he is a coward and because you are young, he is most likely worried that you will find someone better and ditch him eventually. He doesn’t deserve his wife either. She is also low self esteem and he feeds of this. Even if he leaves, do you really want to be in that poor woman’s shoes? He will get bored and find a new one after. Just telling how it is from some experience and learning from other friends as well. The Friendship is broken because you had sex, so there is no friendship. He is just trying to keep you emotionally attached and stringing you along so you can have him on your mind. Even some communication is enough for him, but for you it brings a flutter of hope to your heart. He is screwing with your mind and it is poisoning your heart. Don’t be afraid of the unknown. You deserve love and will love again having the person all to yourself. Please heal yourself and be strong! Be patient. Forgive yourself and learn…
Advice? BREAK-FREE.
November 28, 2018 at 10:23 pm #266535Purplelove123ParticipantHi Niya,
i am actually on the same boat or sort of similar . I been having an affair with a married man everytime he comes visit me for business trip. He has 2 kids too. One is 3 month or so and another one is around 4-5 years old. It been so hard for me to get over him bc I really sincerely enjoyed being with him and the sex was great. But recently he wanted to end us because he wanted to be a good dad. It’s hard for me to get him out of my mine and I have trouble focusing at work bc he is all what I think about. At the end I have to let him go. Because you don’t want to f~ with karma. I thought to myself how would I feel if my future husband did this to me? I would be heart broken. Esp when you have kids you can’t think about yourself but the kids future.! So let it go…move on~~~~ once a cheater always a cheater who knows how many girls he has (both our guys) they prob have diff girls in diff country/state everytime they go for “business trip” be smart abt it… after that I stopped or at least try to stop txting ….failed here and there ..it will take time but we can do this!
November 28, 2018 at 10:39 pm #266545Purplelove123ParticipantAnd I have to be honest. He’s the 2nd guy I been with who was married ..I know… I know… I’m such a hypocrite. But I’ll never do it again. Lesson learned- they will end up with their wife no matter what. They will return back to their wife as if nothing happened ..and live in a whole diff world..so at the end …no it’s not a good idea to go back to him or have any sort of contact. My guy wanted us to be good friends in couple month. I don’t think I’m gonna meet him as a friend bc I know it’s not a good idea. I’ll get hurt. Someone once told me men are like dogs…they will chew anything they see and spit it somewhere after they get bored of it..
November 29, 2018 at 4:36 am #266617AnonymousGuest* Dear Purplelove123: Niya, the original poster, did not return to her thread since her original post January this year. I hope she returns but she may not. Would you like to communicate about your situation with other members here? If so, what input or advice would you like?
anita
April 16, 2020 at 11:06 am #349868ShelParticipantI also went through this kind of situation, only the man I was with had convinced me that he was leaving his wife someday because she deceived him into marrying her when she was secretly in love with another guy who wouldn’t marry her.
after he married her, she had to much to drink during their honeymoon and she wound up blurting out the truth.
his mistake was that he didn’t immediately seek an annulment. Instead he listened to her moms advice that she’d get over her other paramour. Well, she absolutely did not. In fact, she was never nice to him, (even physically abusive at times but since she didn’t want to go get a job, she had kids with him). Finally, she received news that her lover had moved away from Mexico and was now living in a nearby town…so she trampled over the top of him,(my married man), and the kids and had a torrid three year affair…but to make it even messier…she was sleeping with both men and she got pregnant.
This is how my married man found out about the truth about her affair. Because she became extremely depressed over the fact that the baby couldn’t be her affair partners and she was fully packed and ready to run off with him until he realized that the baby wasn’t his. (He knew because he had been out of the country for four months and she was two months pregnant).
As if things couldn’t be anymore complicated, she decided that since she was pregnant and still didn’t want to find work, she was just going to stay put….
So she had the baby (#4), and he began to stray as a husband because although he didn’t want to lose his children,(she told him she would take the kids, kill herself etc.), he stayed, feeling very trapped.
For a while he was seeing a much older woman. She worked at one of those meditation temples. She offered him much comfort. But eventually she became hooked on the passion and became increasingly demanding and he then met me at a thrift store…
I just remember our first meeting. It was very innocent and sweet and we had an instant connection. I had no idea he was married when he asked for my phone number. When he began to woo me.
We formed a great friendship and the chemistry was very intense. And he told me right away about his terrible dilemma and how he didn’t want to lose his kids so he stayed with her.
After doing some detective work of my own I actually found out he was telling me the truth.
We were so perfect together and I was happier then I’d ever been…but when she was confronted on letting him go so we could be together, she not only refused, but suddenly she did an about face…why? Because now instead of seeing him as merely the rug she could walk all over and use to keep a roof over her head, NOW he was wanted by someone else….so she started packing his lunch every day, seducing him, texting him sweet messages etc etc etc etc….oh, and using the kids,(especially the youngest one), to manipulate and control him.As for me I was very upset because he was not making any real progress even though he still was deeply injured over her affair with he childhood boyfriend who she tried to leave him for…
seven years of waiting…anyway…one day I finally had enough of his constant list of excuses. I had already helped him find a therapist two times and he was still living with her. He was a major part of my life but I was a secret in his and this was not fair. If he wanted to live a complete lie that was not ok with me. Anyway it took me a long time to break free. I still have strong feelings for him but the truth is, he can never really move on until he is courageous enough to say the truth out loud and get out of that mess,(if he actually wants to).
Right now I’m dating a very nice man who spoils me rotten and is madly in love with me. He has no other woman to complicate or ruin our relationship. Instead of waiting for a once a week visit, he comes to see me and take me to dinner every night….
I still miss the married man who I loved (I am not sure when or if I will ever fully get over him ) ),but he seems as stuck with her as he ever was. We sometimes have lunch as friends and I can’t even believe the craziness I went through for him and how false his proposal was to someday marry me. He’s not some demon. He’s actually a really sweet guy whom I adore BUT he just can’t bring himself to actually leave the mother of his kids who cheated and abused him for many years. Now it looks like she’s being a good girl since she almost lost him.
it looks like the only loser in that situation was me.
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