Boyfriend Sleeping in Mothers Bed

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This topic has 4 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 11 months ago by Inky.

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January 27, 2019 at 6:13 pm #277285

madxx
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Hi everyone,

I’ve posted on here once before and you guys gave me some really sound advice that I really needed to hear and appreciated. So I’m hoping I’ll get some of that again.

I’ve searched the internet on this subject, but didn’t get much so here it goes…

My boyfriend and I are both 24 years old. As I explained in my last post, his father died 2 years ago, going on 3, and life has been pretty hard for them since then. My boyfriend is also an only child and when his father first died, he began sleeping in his mothers room in order to comfort her, which I understood, but still weirded me out.

A few months ago, I learned that he was still sleeping in his mothers bed. Apparently, when they were doing the renovations on their house, he thought it best to just keep sleeping in there.. but the problem with that is that his room wasn’t being redone or anything, it was just messy, but he could’ve totally still slept in there.

Now it has been almost 3 years since his fathers death and he’s still sleeping in his mothers bed… I admit that knowledge has completely deterred me from wanting to sleep there or be there. That level of closeness between a mother and son makes me super uncomfortable because I’m his girlfriend and I should be the one sharing a bed with him.. not his mom. He sleeps with me when I go over, but the rest of the time he sleeps in his mothers bed.

It also really bothers me that his mother doesn’t tell him to sleep in his own room. She just keeps allowing him to sleep in there like there is nothing wrong with it. It is just super unhealthy and super uncomfortable.

There isn’t anything sexual about it. Before I start getting those answers. It started off as a coping mechanism, but now it has just gotten out of hand and I don’t know a way of broaching that subject with him. I’ve tried in the past, but he has just said he misses his dad’s smell and how am I supposed to argue with that.. he also says it’s because there is a tv in there and the heat works better in there. I’m not convinced, it’s weird. Does anyone have any experience with this and how you handled it?

I’d really really appreciate it.

January 27, 2019 at 6:24 pm #277287

Mark
Participant

madxx,

Almost 3 years and as a 24 yr old man he is still sleeping with his mother?

I suggest he sees a grief counselor. Not a healthy thing for him to do that.

The TV and heat are just excuses to placate you since he managed fine in his own room when his father was alive.

You can tell him how uncomfortable you feel and that you need inclusion as the woman he is exclusive with even if it is not sexual with his mother.

What will he think if you decide to sleep with your brother or male friend?

His mother needs to be able to move on and deal with her grief in another way. Another candidate for grief counseling and/or a dog.

Mark

January 28, 2019 at 9:35 am #277355

Anonymous
Guest

Dear madxx:

He is 24 and he sleeps in one bed with his mother night after night for two years, except when you visit and he sleeps with you in his old room.

You wrote in your previous thread that since his father died, he, your boyfriend, “has taken it upon himself to fill the void of his dad”. He also does “all the things for his mom that his dad used to do” and the two of them “are attached at the hip”.

You wrote that your boyfriend “stated pretty bluntly that there is absolutely no way he could leave his mother alone and that he planned on living with her forever. No room for negotiations there”. He said to you: “I’m with my mom forever”.

You are considering moving in with the two of them, with a son and his mother, such a “sweet, such a giving woman, too giving… does everything for everyone and never asks for anything in return”, you wrote.

In your recent thread, this one, you wrote that when you brought up the problem you have with him sleeping with his mother, “he has just said he misses his dad’s smell and how am I supposed to argue with that”-

-well, you can argue with that: his father died two years ago, the bedsheets have been washed many times since his death. As he sleeps in the bed with his mother, it is her smell that he is inhaling dozens of times every hour of the night, not his father’s. Don’t you think?

anita

January 28, 2019 at 8:30 pm #277493

GL
Participant

Dear madxx,

What you’ve described of your current boyfriend’s relationship with his mother are signs of a codependent parent-child relationship.

Now, I don’t have much knowledge of your boyfriend to be too sure, but moving back home, planning on a nursing degree then finally sleeping in the same bed? That’s definitely him, your boyfriend, giving into his mother’s needs; needs that was probably generated by the fear of something that came out in a grotesque manner after his father’s death and your boyfriend being an adult who actually left the home, leaving her alone. And now that the mother actually need help with daily life, she is taking full advantage of her son who came back home to help her to reenact whatever she taught him during his years of living with her, which no child forget easily. And now, they’re practically glued at the hip.

You can tell your boyfriend all of this, that this codependent relationship with his mother is unhealthy for the both of them, but he might not listen to you He is probably not too aware that this relationship is unhealthy because for him, it’s a normal relationship with his mother. This relationship has not deviated from what was happening during his childhood so through his perspective, his relationship is totally normal. This relationship is what he was taught and you can’t undo something like that so easily. Though you can tell him that it’s best to see a family or grief counselor, but whether he’ll listen is up for debate.

http://www.mentalhealthamerica.net/co-dependency

So now, you have the option of continuing a romantic relationship with your boyfriend, codependent parent-child relationship and all. But, be warn, he might put his mother’s needs before yours in the future. Codependent is not the name for no reason. Or you can leave. You can pose an ultimatum before deciding whether you’ll leave. You can sit down and discuss with your boyfriend your feelings about the whole situation and see if he is willing to acknowledge the situation as it is, codependency and all, to which he will work with you to come to a compromise or any solutions.

Whatever you decide to do, do it with your well being in mind. After all, you can’t always be sitting around waiting for someone to come to their senses.

January 29, 2019 at 10:02 am #277599

Inky
Participant

Hi madxx,

I could understand sleeping in the mom’s bed when his father died if he was younger. And only until the initial shock wears off. Perhaps weeks for a child or a day or two for a teenager. But come on. Obviously the sheets are washed, so the smell thing is nonsense. Is he like, UNDER the covers with his mom, or is this more of a suicide watch scenario? Where he sleeps fully clothed over the covers at night to make sure his mom is still alive in the morning? There is a difference!

Either way, I would back away slowly until you are out of sight then high tail it outta there!

Best,

Inky

January 30, 2019 at 5:45 pm #277817

madxx
Participant

Mark,

I have tried suggesting counseling… but you can imagine how that went. Not so good. It’s funny how you suggested getting a dog, they have one who sleeps in the bed with them, so it’s not much help.

I’ve also implied that the fact that he sleeps in there is a little odd and that their whole relationship is odd, but the message just isn’t getting through. Their relationship with each other has really put a strain on our relationship. I just feel like I’m the third wheel now.

Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate it!

Anita,

It’s a very messed up situation. There aren’t any manuals on this subject, as my mom says. I don’t think me staying there will help them, is the conclusion I am getting at and I’m not sure how to broach the whole relationship with his mother issue.

I didn’t end up moving in with them and told my boyfriend I just want to live with him, not him and his mother. It has completely ruined our relationship and I haven’t talked to him since then. It makes me so angry that this is happening. 6 years down the drain.

I’ve been doing some research on codependent relationships and the oedipal complex and I’m leaning more toward the second. I just don’t think I will ever come first in this relationship. May be time to call it quits.

Thank you for your thoughts Anita, I’m very grateful.

GL,

Now looking back on it, I think there relationship was always a little odd and I’ve done some research on the oedipal complex and it seems fairly similar. My boyfriend is her only son, she sort of had an odd relationship with her husband and they were more like best friends rather than lovers, so my boyfriend always did things with her when he didn’t. She worked from home since he was born and never really leaves.. ever… and likes to be the one to buy things for everyone and do everything for everyone. I now view it as bribing. I’ll do this for you now and you’ll do stuff for me later… there is a good youtube video on it here.if anyone is interested.

Sounds just like them to me. As for the advice, I’ve tried it and it has never gone well. I tiptoe around that subject, but now may be the time to say it. My relationship is nonexistent with him at the moment so I might as well get everything out there.

Thank you for your thoughts.

Inky,

Yeah, its so hard when you’re in the middle of it. I understand their grief and it was hard seeing them go through all that, but its almost been 3 years.. I’m not saying to forget their father, but just to go about your normal life. However, this is their normal life now and it has gone on too long.

His mom isn’t in the greatest health.. but not to the point where he should be in there with her all the time. It’s weird, I knew it was weird, but when you love someone who has gone through a tragedy like they did you learn to look past those things. Whatever helps them heal.

Now, however, it has strained our relationship. Times up. I think I may be better off high tailing it out of their like you said. It might actually help them realize what they are doing isn’t healthy.

Thank you for your advice! I’ll probably end up doing that.
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