I agree with Inky. This is a pretty big incompatibility. A huge one, in fact, and should definitely be seen as a deal breaker. You may be willing to compromise now to be with him, but there will come a time when the spark in your relationship wears off a bit, and your desire to have kids will come back again if it was always there before you met him. Your boyfriend is right. You two should just save yourself the pain in the future (which would be MUCH, MUCH bigger as you’ve had years to grow closer rather than just months) and separate now.

Inky’s also right that, in the future, he might have kids… but he also might not. I have quite a few friends in their 30s, both men and women, who haven’t had kids and have absolutely no desire to have them for various reasons. So you definitely can’t bank on the “what if he changes his mind” thoughts either.

Dear Laden,

I have two friends who met as Anita describes above. Neither of them ever wanted to have children and they are both happy with that decision.

I think you are too young to make that decision right now.  I feel that, if he is so adamant about not having children that he is prepared to break it off to prevent you from future hurt, that shows great maturity. He obviously knows his own mind, even though he is still young himself. Like Anita says though, he should have that in his profile. It isn’t a crime not to want children, but he should let people he dates know that right from the start.

The friends I mention above, both had had previous relationships where children were an issue and eventually, these previous relationships ended badly. I had known the man I mention above for many years, and he never changed his mind about not having children. A previous relationship of his, which lasted for years, ended very badly, as his partner changed her mind about having no children and realised she did want some. He was devastated at the time, and just kept saying over and over that he had never led her into believing that he would ever have children. I think she thought he would eventually change his mind. He didn’t. In fact, he found even the ‘idea’ of having children repugnant. I’m glad he eventually found someone on the same wavelength. His ex went onto to find a new partner, get married and have children. This story eventually had a happy ending, as they both found partners in tune with their own wants and needs, but only after a great deal of unhappiness for both of them.

Best wishes

Jay