tl;dr – Great relationship with boyfriend for 1 1/2 years, until he stopped smoking pot and his anxiety seemed to return. He broke up with me once because I triggered his anxiety and we got back together after a week. That was 4 months ago. Two weeks ago, he got triggered by something else and ended up breaking up with me again. What I want to know is: 1) Why is he acting like this? I want to understand anxiety and how it affects the mind. 2) Will he come back around again? If so, how long might I have to wait? 3) Is there anything I can do to help him if he does come back? 4) Do you have any experience/recommendations about medications and/or pot?

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Hi all – I am so glad I have found this forum. I have already ready a number of posts that have been helpful, and I am hoping to get some additional advice from anxiety sufferers in regards to my now I guess ex boyfriend. In a nutshell, I am 45 and he is 40. We have been dating almost a year and a half. For more than a year, everything was great. Not a single argument, we seemed to be on the same page about most things. He is very physically affectionate and I have discovered I love that – honestly we could sleep in a twin sized bed because we sleep so close together. If we are walking along, he almost always reaches over and takes my hand. If I am sitting on the couch, he will lay down and put his head in my lap. Things like that.

I have also loved taking care of him – making him lunch to take to work, cooking for him in the evenings, making sure to pick up stuff for him when I am the store (like toiletries, snacks, etc) I have a very flexible schedule, and he works full time so it is easy for me to do these things for him.

He told me that he used to have very bad anxiety, and he would have anxiety attacks so bad he would almost lose consciousness. That was in his teens/early 20s. I know there is serious abuse in his past and he hates his mother. I don’t believe she was the abuser, but she did not protect him and when she found out about it she basically didn’t want him to tell anyone.

Anyway, we had talked about living together several times and he always seemed on board with it for when my lease was up, but one night a few months ago we had been out drinking and apparently I got really pushy about living together and the time line I expected it on. I didn’t even remember most of the conversation the next day, but I had freaked him out and I think triggered his anxiety. I asked him if he didn’t want to live with me, and he basically told me that he didn’t want to do that now and he would probably never want to do it. Then, it seemed he got even more worked up and basically decided he needed to break up with me. I was shocked and managed to at least get him to take some time to think about things before just moving to breaking up. After about a week, he came back around and told me that he loved me and didn’t want to break up. I haven’t brought up living together again since then, but I figured as time passed we could both assess how we felt about it. Everything has been fine since then, although I would say he has seemed more agitated in general over the last few months.

So, fast forward to 2 weeks ago – his daughter had her 21st birthday part on a boat and he went, and his mother was there. He has not seen her in 10+ years and apparently they just ignored each other. I asked him if how he felt about it, and he said he didn’t care, but he seemed slightly off. Over the next couple of days he seemed mostly fine, maybe just a bit more quiet than usual.

I had to leave to go out of town for work on that Monday morning, and I didn’t hear from him much over the next few days and he usually texts me several times a day. After a few days I texted that he seemed MIA and asked if he was doing ok. He just said sorry and that he was going to hang out with his guy friends that night and wanted to know if I would be around the next day. I told him I was on my way home then and that yes I would be home the next day. I did not hear back.

Finally, the next night I still hadn’t heard from him and I texted and asked what was going on and had I done something wrong. He texted that he was having really bad anxiety problems and that he had tried to come over, but just couldn’t and that he would try again the next day (Friday). Since I had already been through this with him once, I knew not to push him so I told him to take all the time he needs and just check in as best he can so I will know he is ok.

For the timeline – he saw his mother on a Friday night, the next Thursday night was when he told me he had the anxiety. I ended up having to go away for Friday night, so I texted him and let him know that I would not be home.

On Saturday, I texted and let him know that I was on my way home and would be there until Tuesday if he felt like getting together at all. He basically called me about 45 minutes after I got him and broke up with me. It was like he couldn’t wait to do it. He just said he needed to be alone and he couldn’t be in a relationship right now. He did not express any issues about me or the relationship, he just needed to be alone. I tried to ask him to just take time again like last time, but he absolutely refused.

The phone call lasted less than 5 minutes. I texted him afterwards and asked if he still loved me. He said he “wasn’t going to do this” and I said, just answer the question. He said he wasn’t in love anymore. So, I wrote back and told him that I loved him very much and that I hoped after he got past this he would come back. I also said that I would always stand by him if he could just let me. I have not contacted him since then and it has now been 9 days. I have seen him in pics on Instagram so I know he is still hanging out with his friends and doing stuff.

To add in another factor, when we first got together he smoked pot every day, but he started a new job a few months ago and had stopped smoking it completely because there was a chance he could be drug tested (and in his field, it would be bad). I realized that he had stopped smoking pot about 1 month before we had the first issue about the living together, so I believe very much that the pot was really helping him manage his anxiety and now that he isn’t doing it, his anxiety has been able to creep back in.

So – sorry for the long story, but I usually find when people post stuff I want more details, so I wanted to be thorough. What I want to know, is 1) Why is he acting like this? I want to understand anxiety and how it affects the mind. 2) Will he come back around again? If so, how long might I have to wait? 3) Is there anything I can do to help him? 4) Do you have any experience/recommendations about medications and/or pot?

I realize that no one can be sure of what will happen, but I definitely want to know if anyone has any thoughts or suggestions. I have suffered from anxiety as well, but have spent a lot of time in counseling and have it pretty well managed, plus mine was never ever as severe as his is. I do love him and would like to find a way to be together if possible, and to be able to help his as much as possible too.