Dear noname:

Between my last post to you and now, I experienced heavy duty fear, fear that you will harm yourself.

I can suggest a healing plan for you. Number #1 item in it is that you choose life. That you will no longer suggest cutting your life short, not to me, anyway. Can you do that, here on your thread, here in our communication?

anita

* didn’t read your most recent post before posting the above. Read more from you when I am back, in about 18 hours.

anita

Dear noname

You attaching to stronly really does make sense. I have never thought about it like that before.

Iamy sure I attach to pain to strongly, but only because I am so afraid of it. I have recently taken to stopping myself when my thoughts run dark….and saying that’s not me. It’s fear or past hurts or learned past behavioursome to distress. It sometimes helps me detach a bit from the dark.

I do believe sometimes that there is a chance and hope to be happy . But it’s just hard work. Anita’s last words to you about dipping in and out of healing have resonated with me too. I’m going to consider that today and come up with a plan. This time holding firm I hope.

Dear noname

I hope you will keep the thread open as you and Anita were going to work on a plan. Which could be your new start.  And I hope my replying hasn’t interrupted or put you off the thread.

I so wish you well and will start a thread of my own now.  everyone here is so kind.

Best wishes

Monica

Dear noname:

I hope you are reading my post and I do hope you continue this thread/ our communication.

First a couple of comments regarding what you shared yesterday and then, regarding sharing suicidal thoughts and desired.

Yesterday you wrote: “I struggle with feeling safe vs. Feeling  loved the two feelings have never been simultaneously present within me”- the feeling of safety is an integral part of the feeling of love, therefore what you wrote is one more indication that you were not loved as a child.

You wrote: “I just think I can make it through some more pain I’ll eventually grow out of it”- there is a belief here that is not true to reality and it is therefore in the way of your healing:  a person doesn’t grow out of this kind of pain. There was an ongoing injury done to you as a child and you keep feeling the pain. The injury needs to be healed best possible. There is no healing in the experience and re-experience of the pain itself, none whatsoever.

Regarding the other topic, you wrote yesterday that I “really gave (you) the kick in the ass I  needed this morning to help me detach from the lows by telling me to choose life or don’t post on here”- well, I didn’t suggest that you don’t post here or anywhere, no such suggestion made or meant by me. And then, I didn’t suggest that you “detach from the lows” either. Nor did I give you a kick in the ass. I suppose you felt that kick… and you got angry at me and decided to close this thread.

Yesterday you wrote: “I just don’t think I can keep up dragging along like this too much longer before I do something drastic”. That was the end of a post. You mentioned suicide thoughts before, so it wasn’t a stretch for me reading your sentence quoted that “something drastic” means suicide.  What happens when you write a line like this, is that the one reading it, the one communicating with you, thinks: oh, oh, I must not say the wrong thing or I must say just the right thing so that he doesn’t do that! Or maybe I already said the wrong thing, and so on. It interrupts my honest flow of communication with you. And it scared me yesterday (like you, I slept very little the night before yesterday and am under the weather so the fear was more intense).

So I wrote to you, no more suicide threats, direct or indirect (the quote above, “before I do something drastic” is the indirect kind). I then extended it to no more suicidal thoughts in your communication with me, as part of item 1 in my on-the-spot healing plan for you.

I think you started feeling angry at me and you want to withdraw. Is that true?

anita

Dear noname:

I need to share this little bit about myself because otherwise, our communication will not be honest: I thought about suicide from a very early age and I thought at the time that I didn’t do it so to not make my mother more sad than she already was. I thought it will kill her if I killed myself. I wanted to end my suffering so badly. Later on, as an adult, I repeatedly threatened suicide directly and indirectly, but did not proceed with a sincere effort. I ended up in a hospital after threatening such one time, made to drink that awful thick, black liquid so to vomit the few pills I took. At another time I collected enough methadone (someone else’s) to suffice for an effective suicidal act. But didn’t.

When my most recent and first effective therapist in 2011 or so suggested that I was manipulative when I mentioned suicide yet again, I was very angry with him. I didn’t feel that I was manipulative, I really was in pain.. I really did want to end my pain. I didn’t understand at the time that the manipulation was not in me being insincere, but in not considering the affect such threats had on another person.

This is a very important distinction: it was not that I was not honest when I expressed the pain I felt and my real desire to end the pain the only way I perceived possible at the time, but that I was not aware of the affect such threats had on a person hearing my threats.

So why don’t you and I come to an understanding on the issue of suicide- if I assure you that I understand the depth of your pain, because I experienced a very deep pain myself for so very, very long, will you believe that I know how much you are hurting, and therefore you mentioning suicide is not necessary, not anymore?

anita