thanks again for your reply. I think im hopeless though. I cant be helped im wasting time you could spend helping someone who can actually be helped.

Thanks

Rich

Anita

Thanks again for your replies, i did indeed feel hopeless when i posted. I never thought much of the distinction of believing im hopeless and feeling hopeless. I guess i don’t always feel hopeless, but the belief that i am hopeless is part of this persistent pain im talking about. If I believe there is no hope then i don’t have much motivation to try. Life feels meaningless i have lost my drive, which is not surprising because i have always been shame driven.  How to convince myself there is hope for me when i cant think of anything to look forward to?

It’s ironic that you have been encouraging me to empathize with myself as a child. My mom found a journal of mine from 4th grade. As a 10 year old i wrote “Today’s valentines day, and me being who i am i didn’t do well at anything. So far its 11:40am and i’ve been having a bad day. I got half a sandwhich for breakfast, messed up a whole bunch in band class, and the more i think about it ill never be like everyone else”

I read that today and almost cried. After reading that and some other passages I think I realized my 10 year old self was already very damaged and im wondering how no one saw the signs. Either way when i read that quote i’m still conflicted trying to empathize with myself. It feels like i’m complaining and being ungrateful. However if a kid that i worked with wrote something like i did above i would be concerned and would want to help.

I feel so pathetic, and as if ill never be fully accepted by another person

Anita

I’m not sure where to go from here. Today I’m very depressed and really don’t want to be at work but I dont have much choice because other people are depending on me to be there for them. I’m having the hardest time empathizing with myself. My thinking is since empathy for myself is so foreign to my way of thinking and feeling that I’m very resistant to it.

When I’m depressed all I can think of is “get it together” or “try harder”. So much of my identity is tied to my work ethic, that I cant relax out of fear there’s something I’ve forgotten or I’m doing wrong that I need to be working to fix.

Above all I think I need to share how I’m feeling with somebody. Posting here is helping but I feel as if I’m rejecting all the help you’re offering because I feel like you’re going to abandon me eventually, the same dynamic plays out in my physical life as well. It’s a way for me to keep myself safe because I feel like I’m all I have.

Thank you so much for holding out hope for me, and helping when I can’t reach anyone else.

Anita

Thank you again i meant to post this morning but i didnt have time before work. Unfortunately i didn’t have a very good day. I have been practicing empathy with myself such as you mentioned above and it helped to pull me out of the roughest part of my depression. I went for a much needed run and talked to myself kindly and with encouragement which is required when running if i want to push through the pain (metaphor for life maybe?). After having read my journal from 10 years old it is evident to me my mentality has been what it is since even before that age, and that 6 or 7 year old child is running my life right now and has been for a while. Essentially im trying to undo and relearn a lifetime of unhealthy thinking and feeling patterns which doesen’t sound easy by any means, therefore i need to be easy on myself about mistakes in the process because the workload is enormous. When im talking back to that voice im envisioning myself as a child in some of my more vulnerable moments.

While yesterday and the first half of today were good. things went wrong this afternoon and i had a meltdown at work. Throughout this most recent episode of depression i have talked to no one about it except here and the woman i was most recently with for only a couple weeks, in which time she told me she loved me but she had to move for a job and would like to stay friends. I thought that would be good and finally allow me to end a relationship on a good note for the first time ever. Everything was okay for the most part we would occasionally reach out to eachother for mutual support in depression. She sent me very mixed messages sometimes indicating that she still wished we could be together. Me needing love i was hooked. So this morning i sent her a thank you message for helping me through this most recent episode. I thought i had ended the conversation but she felt the need to keep it going rationalizing to me why she would have made a bad girlfriend, but that im not burdening her by reaching out and i told her the same and that i’d like to stay friends and even talk about good things when they happen too. She responded by telling me she moved away to live with her boyfriend and that she’s polyamorous. From there the conversation turned nasty from my end saying things like “i fucking hate you” “lying b**tch” “how do you live with yourself” etc. not my best moment by any means, i even left a voicemail apoligizing and then called her a b**tch again. pathetic.

After the text messages im in my office pacing having a full blown panic attack. I shut the door and sit down on the couch for a while until i caught my breath, then fell on the floor crying with my shirt in my mouth so no one would hear. I know myself and didnt want to alert any of my coworkers so i quickly gathered my things but had to return an item to the front desk before i left. Im sure it was obvious to my coworkers i wasnt doing well i dropped off the item and quickly left head down for the exit while holding back sobs. I call an old man who i take groceries to sometimes to ask if i can come over and talk. I knew if i went home in this state i probably would still be in that state. I thought to myself i cant be alone with my pain any longer. he gave me a hug and talked to me for an hour which calmed me down alot. he says alot of similar things that you do in a different way of course. Ultimately he wanted me to leave his house knowing that all the pain im carrying does not need to be carried alone, and its okay to be upset with my parents. We didn’t spend much time even talking about this girl who lied to me other than to forgive myself for wanting to love someone and be loved. from there i went over my friends house and just asked if i could talk to him because he had met the woman im talking about. I told him about my struggles in life and with suicide. I decided to tell him because he had opened up to me in the past after a rough night out, and he’s always happy to see me. Im glad i reached out to a friend and had the courage to be honest.

I still dont feel awesome today though. Now im wrestling with wondering if there was any love between me and this woman at all. Im also really nervous about how i left the office, i sent an email to the people that saw me leave stating i got some bad news and everything is okay. Do you think that was inappropriate? And I feel awful about calling a woman a bitch for the second time this year, granted they were both lying to me but still gender specific slurs are the worst. I feel like a horrible person for not always expressing my anger compassionately .

im sure i have much pain awaiting me

Anita

I meant to say “running my life” no ruining. However what you write still applies there is still much anger towards myself for not being perfect. I will work through that.

She never mentioned polyamory usually i avoid people who are not because i think its immoral its just not my thing, i understand it works for some people but not for me. I feel used she slept over my house, ate my food, etc. under the pretense that i thought she was genuinely single. At one point she told me she had thought about being in an open relationship not that she already was. I even explicitly asked her about if she had ever had a BF. She went from being a source of hope for me to the point now where im disgusted with her. I think i called her names yesterday because she acted like i should be okay with this because  in her words “i told you who i am” sure she told me she has issues, but she left out a huge part.

Today im struggling with heavy shame. I dont want to get out of bed because i feel horrible for calling her a bitch even though theres a part of me that wants her to suffer like i am, even though i believe she already is. It was the same situation with the girl before her stating “i told you i wanted to see other people” even though we explicitly set the boundary of not talking to other people who are pursuing or we were pursuing about a month in and she said these words verbatim “rich i wont betray you” and then betrays me. Im sitting here trying to rationalize my lashing out, but neither one of these women deserved that. But i felt like if i dont let people know how hurt/angry i am they wont feel bad at all for looking me dead in my eyes and lying to me.

I feel like i should hate myself right now.

It was had for me to control my expression yesterday, but i did my best to hold it together for the 15 sec i was in sight of coworkers. Im really afraid im not going to make it through this year of internship. my supervisors keep telling me im a natural at counseling when reviewing my tapes, but i wonder how long i can keep acting for people. I had a horrible day monday and had some really productive sessions because i put my face on and act like everything is okay. I dont know how long i can keep it together, and if i cant make it the next 10 months to graduation there goes tens of thousands of dollars down the drain

From all the bullshit that has happened in the last year, having to quit my full time job for school, my parents getting divorced and my dad beating my mom and going to jail, being lied to twice, having to build my own housing to live in during the coldest winter months, greatly reduced social life thanks to school, and not being able to see my therapist when i need to, My head is spinning right now and i see no relief from this madness in sight right now.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by noname.

Thank y0u Anita,

I will try my best to do better next time. I didn’t use to be so mean to people that hurt me. This is definitely a recent phenomenon within the past year. My tolerance for liars has fell to zero. I’m stuck in place where i trust very few people. I’m looking for  my wholeness in other people knowing its not there. But i know i need other people to some extent or else ill just keep staying depressed

Anita

Thank you for your ongoing support and responsiveness you have definitely helped me through the roughest of this most recent episode of chronic depression.

At this point when I begin to feel marginally better is usually when I’ll restart my downward spiral. I’m hoping to maybe not sink so low this time to the point of suicidal thoughts again. The first step was moving my therapist appointment to next tuesday and I’ll probably start going at least twice a month regardless of how well I’m feeling, at least until my life seems to be on track again. The other step has been being more proactive about being open with friends in particular about how I’m really doing. I’m also going to try to find some kind of group or community to help. I’m working with a friend to help develop a training plan for the upcoming bike racing season which will give me something to look forward to and I’ll have the accountability of my friend coaching me so I can make sure to stay active. I’m also going to start meditating again for at least 5 min a day. Basically I’m trying to get my life back I had before starting graduate school, which has been a unpleasant couple of years for me at this point.

What I’m struggling with now that I’m feeling marginally better is how can I reach a feeling of peace and potentially joy instead of just being “not depressed”? I don’t feel great right now, within the past weeks I’ve deleted all social media & dating apps. I went on one last date yesterday with someone i met through an app and I’ve reached the conclusion that I’ll probably never find a woman who is actually interested in ME via online means, they all want one thing from me, and sex is not really what I need right now. I need care, and I want to care for someone also. I suppose I need guidance towards living a more fulfilling life. Honestly I’m getting very little out of doing therapy with people right now expect an increase in anxiety worried I’ll do or say the wrong thing. My supervisors are saying I’m doing a good job and are often surprised given this is my first couple months, but the fact that my life is such a mess makes me feel unqualified to help anyone else. I look at my friends and feel like an exception, they all have relationships, and report being satisfied with life while I’m constantly miserable for whatever reason. I feel like part of what keeps me depressed Is anxiety. I don’t want to leave the house most days out of fear something might happen I can’t afford, I might get Injured without health insurance, i could harrased by the police again for no reason etc. Now that I’m not completely depressed I’m just apathetic and I want to smile so badly.