Dear noname:

“it is still a very real possibility that my life could stay exactly how it is, with good friends but no intimacy”- I agree, it is a very real possibility (but not the only real possibility).

As to the solutions to this very real possibility, you wrote: “the sadness seems to kick in harder when I start thinking about solutions, feels hopelessly out of my control”-

– that may be why you randomly cry (“had another random crying episode on the way home”): like a child who is experiencing a problem/distress but feels hopeless to solve it, crying so to get the attention of an adult who is able to solve the problem for the child.

“I’m just curious how to be alone and process sadness?”- continuing the thought above: maybe accept, radically accept, as the term goes, thoroughly accept that there is no one else there with you to solve your problem of loneliness, no one to see you cry and help you.

anita

Dear noname:

“So you’re saying a possible solution is to just be sad?.. My response to sadness 90% of the time is couple with negatives beliefs about why I deserve to suffer”- to radically accept something means to accept it without making a judgment about it. To accept your sadness without judging that you deserve it,  is to radically accept your sadness.

You feel sad because you are lonely, because you need emotional/ social support and you don’t have it. Try to keep it at that, without judging yourself as unworthy of support. When you find it difficult to do, think of/ imagine the young child that you were, see him in your mind’s eye. Hopefully, seeing his youthful face, hurt and so very sad, will lead you to accept that young child’s/your sadness without judgment.

anita

Dear noname:

“My fear is that I may not be willing to keep.. being in pain like this”- there is no benefit in pain unless there is meaning to the pain/ unless you can perceive a future benefit for you in feeling the pain. The meaning/ benefit is in your child-like cognitive understanding of your pain, of its origin, of where it’s coming from.

I am not talking about the uncommitted, flimsy kind of rational understanding that you already expressed, dressed in academic terms and elaborate concepts. I am talking about the bare simple truth of what happened to you as a child (way fewer words and way more power in the few, simple words).

anita

Dear noname:

In my sentence: the meaning/ benefit is in your child-like cognitive understanding of your pain, of its origin, of where it’s coming from- I meant, like you suggested, that you will experience way less pain of being alone when you understand that you were good enough as a child, good enough to be loved. Much of the pain you experience is about wrongly believing that you were (and still are) not good enough.

If you  believe that you were (and still) good enough to be loved, then being alone will not feel like a destiny and an eternity. Instead, being alone will have a temporary feel to it, as in: right now I am alone (as opposed to: I am forever alone).

“I think I can take the pain and avoid the suffering if I can avoid the selfish desires to escape through women, drugs, and other thrills I chase”- for as long as you believe that you are not good enough to be loved, you can’t escape pain and suffering because believing this means that you will forever be unloved.

Here is a 2 case scenarios to illustrate my point: (1) you hurt your shoulder because you lifted something heavy the wrong way. You put ice on it, then a heat pad, then ice again, you take an anti-inflammatory medication, you rest- it is all uncomfortable, you feel pain, then you feel better, then pain again, but you know that it is temporary. You may feel sad, but also resourceful (doing what it takes to heal) and hopeful that soon enough the pain will not be there anymore,  (2) you hurt your neck and shoulder in a terrible accident, having to go through surgeries, and the prognosis is a life time of significant pain. You feel pain and you know that it’s a life-time sentence. You know there is nothing you can do to heal, so you feel helpless to stop the pain and you feel hopeless and depressed.

When you are unloved and alone and you believe that you are not good enough to be loved, it is like the 2nd scenario (you feel helpless, hopeless and depressed). When you are unloved and alone and you believe that you are good enough to be loved, it’s like the 1st scenario (you may feel sad, but also resourceful and hopeful).

anita

Dear noname:

Good to read that you had a good past two weeks: eating right, sleeping, meditating, riding your bike regularly, talking to new people and old friends, and relearning how to feel sad and lonely without judging yourself!

“While I feel pretty good.. I still feel like I may never feel as good alone as I do when I’m in love”- hold in awareness that when in love/ when in a beginning relationship with a woman, you felt good at times but you also felt strong desperation, increased anxiety and anger. Desperation caused you to rush into premature relationships, and anger caused you to end them.

“My therapist years ago said something along the lines of ‘the love is already present within us, when we’re partnered with someone who cares about us it awakens it in us'”-

– I will change the quote to fit you personally, according to my best understanding: the love underneath the desperation, increased anxiety and anger is present within you. When partnered with a woman, the love awakens, but also the desperation and anger, and your anxiety increases.

* If it wasn’t for the combo of increased anxiety and anger, you would probably be in relationships most of your adult life (not necessarily in healthy relationships though).

As to your question: “I would like to know if/ how you’re able to awaken love within yourself even when isolated?”-  you can do this exercise: when you feel comfortable, calm, maybe sleepy, and you have the privacy, play romantic music and visualize yourself in love with a woman (a woman you never met), create a love story in your mind. You can type away the story, words that come to your mind spontaneously, whatever comes up.

anita

Dear noname:

You are welcome. If you want to post your visualization here (minus possible X-rated stuff), please do. I would like to read it.

anita

Dear noname:

The visualization exercise failed to deliver what I hoped it will. About love-

May 20, 2021: “being loved and accepted is the only thing on my mind… feeling unlovable”

March 15, 2017 (first post, first thread, “learning to love myself”): “I’m still struggling with self love, and feeling lovable”.

I will do my own visualization so to present to you how I see the problem: imagine love to be a peaceful aquarium with colorful fish swimming back and forth in clear water with coral, rocks and aquatic greenery, to the sound of the bubbling water-  quiet, calming, beautiful to watch.

Now, see noname wanting love more than anything, jumping into the water with a big splash, fish are forced out of the water, coral, rocks displaced, and you are left bruised and cold in the broken aquarium. You drag yourself out of the mess, dry yourself, replace the aquarium and find yourself miserably looking at it longingly from the outside, wishing to be inside.

The splash in my imagery symbolizes your desperation for love plus your anger at the objects of your love. To enter and remain in the aquarium, you have to enter it gently and while in it, move slowly, so to not disturb the water (resolving your lifetime anger, managing your anxiety, and getting to know a woman before jumping into a premature intimacy).

anita

Dear noname:

You’re welcome and thank you for complimenting my imagery. I wonder if having a real aquarium (or a video/audio on an aquarium playing in the background) will have a calming affect on you, not as a symbol of love but of calm, helping you to stabilize yourself and focus better on your need of material security.

You want to “give up on being loved by another” for now, and I  hope you succeed. If it helps you to not re-visit this thread, you can. You can start a new thread free of any expression of the hope to be loved, and post only about what you want to focus on.

anita