Also I know you may not have all the answers right now but I’m suprised at how often you do. It is amazing the quality of help you give thanks again

Happy new year to you as well Anita!

My goal for this year is to work on my mental/emotional health and learn peace. I’m starting off by having a sober January and I’ve got some friends and family to join in as well. I want my relationship with pain to change this year. I’m tired of the chaos and it has to stop.

In response to your previous post, I agree wholeheartedly my expectation of love is unreasonable, I remember daydreaming constantly as a child in school, and at home about being loved, and that child is still in me stuck chasing that daydream. You suggested I was looking for a thrill or emotional roller coaster ride a few weeks back and I couldn’t agree more. I’m serious about getting myself together, I really feel as if I have no other choice, I can see the outcome if I stay on this path of thrill seeking and living in a false reality. I’m honestly excited about learning calmness. Also, I hope love might be more boring, or calm than what I’ve had in the past, because that would mean something new which probably will mean healthier too.

I’ve been wrestling with the idea that I just want security and something to attach to. I know the Buddhist would say attachment is the cause of suffering. So I’m hoping to learn to let go of expectations, and grasping so hard for what might not ever be there.

Anita

I hope you are well.

I’ve been meaning to post here for a the past week or so to let you know I’m doing well. I feel I often overlook the times when I feel peaceful and I’m striving to become more aware of them, so acknowledging them more often is in my plan.

Not to say I’m void of any difficult emotions however, the longing to be loved is still strong, anger and disappointment towards my parents still resides in me, and feelings of loneliness are always close. I also slipped up and had a couple drinks last Friday night. I didn’t proceed to get drunk because part of the way through while at the bar I realized it was making me sad, and I wasn’t actually connecting with anyone so I left my friends and walked home alone and went to sleep. I think having increased my mindfulness made me realize how awful drinking excessively makes me feel.

The more answers I find in life seems to lead only to even more questions. The question I’m stuck on now is the purpose of my grief? I have been grieving the loss of close relationships to old friends, realizing I only have 1 genuinely close friend right now that lives in my city being my roommate. I have other friends but I’m not as close to them as I’d like to be for various reasons, like their own (romantic) relationships, work schedules, and others I can’t think of right now. It makes me sad. I feel lonely.

Wanting to accept and experience all of my feelings as much as they demand to be felt, has me questioning what is the grief doing for me? Im wondering if it is trying to help me let go of some kind of pain to open myself up to future opportunities should they present themselves, ones that I would otherwise be closed off to or wouldn’t recognize if I never felt the pain of loneliness or lost relationships. I’m not sure and would love to hear your input.

Thanks again

Anita,

Thank you for your reply.

Lately I have been having car troubles, and phone troubles. I had to buy a new phone unexpectedly and a few hundred dollars in tools and car parts. While work is starting to pick up for me and im getting more clients every week money is still tight. All that to say most of the anger I’m feeling at the moment is towards my father for the way he’s been treating my sister, which lead me to completely shutting that relationship off. Not that we had been close, but I still would ask to use his garage from time to time, which i also put countless work hours in all kinds of weather to help build. So this time around I just did the work in my sisters driveway.

What makes me mad, pardon my language is that my dad is such an asshole, and easily manipulated by people. Long story short he basically wont allow my sister over the house to see him without an appointment because of his new girlfriend. While i had given up on my dad being a father years ago my sister was still holding out and it’s tearing her apart to realize my dad is a shitty person. So once again im angry with him because he continues to hurt people i care about, though in the long run i knew my sister would eventually have to come to grips with the reality of my parents so in some ways im glad she’s finally grieving the loss of her expectations of our dad to be a parent.

I also continue to find myself angry with society, for the damage i see harmful ideologies causing to people, myself included. I find myself angry with myself for a number of reasons, but mainly for continuing to not to love myself (i know it’s paradoxical and silly but its the truth) and continuing to long for friendships and romance. I’m angry and frustrated with myself because I find myself dissatisfied with life because of what i don’t have (mainly close relationships) even though i know i need to be grateful for the people i do have. I feel like i’m constantly getting in my own way, and i’m judgmental towards myself for needing people at all.

Anita,

I would not try to be my sisters therapist, I realized a couple years ago our differences in our opinions of our parents was causing conflict, so i decided to just be supportive of her, and she does the same for me, in this way we have both learned to keep our relationship with eachother strong. I am grateful for that because i see alot of siblings who have disagreements about their parents let their relationships suffer because of it.

The anger i have towards my parents is closely tied to my own self-hatred. I am angry no one taught me i was lovable. I am also angry my father & mother never taught me good social skills, leaving me alone often to figure things out. I am angry because i struggle so much as an adult because of what i was not taught.

Anita

Exactly. My parents gave lip service to love though I did not experience what it actually felt like. I can remember countless times being left at school on days when my dad was supposed to pick me up. One time I was left at the bus stop for 2-3 hours when I was in grade school waiting for my dad to pick me up. The crossing guard waited with me thankfully. But that memory still hurts to this day. My mom was more reliable to at least be there physically, but other than that she was emotionally unavailable for me.

I suppose had my parents practically loved me as a child they would’ve been concerned with my emotions. Also their love wouldn’t have been conditional on whether I was being obedient and high performing. I remember having an emotional breakdown on the pitchers mound at a baseball game in little league because too many people were telling me to do too many different things. I asked for a substitute and my dad got angry with me after the game for “being a quitter” despite being the best player on the team, and a reluctant leader through my character it wasn’t enough. It was never enough. I needed to know I was enough so badly, I remember my aunts and uncles were always so proud of me and to this day always greet me with a smile of gratitude. I can’t say the same for my mom, last time I saw her she was too busy being depressed to greet me with affection, not that I expect it anyway.

While it is helpful to reflect on my relationship with my parents, I’m at a point where I just don’t care to much to talk about it anymore, I know I didn’t get what I needed and it makes me upset and I’m okay with that now, I’m relieved at this point that I no longer have to bear the burden of confusion of why I feel unlovable. Now my challenge is how to feel lovable no matter what my life circumstances may be. My confidence comes and goes, feelings of lovabilty fade quickly when they arise, and are usually externally dependent. I desperately want to feel loveable internally, no matter what. I reached a conclusion while thinking about this last night during a sweat lodge that no matter what i do, I cannot make myself any more lovable than I am or always have been. It is not some dependent variable as if life was a science experiment that depended on the right inputs to get love. It frustrates me to no end that I keep trying to accomplish and achieve to gain love just as I did my whole childhood. There is something in my heart that has been asking me to surrender to my pain lately, it’s coming in dreams, in my thoughts, and manifests in physical discomfort when I come into contact with women. I don’t want to try anymore. I just want to be okay with being who I am, and all the baggage that comes with it.