Anita

Thanks again for your thoughtful reply, it is comforting knowing when i can’t reach my therapist or don’t feel comfortable talking to others that this resource is here, especially you. Thank you.

Since you wrote me that in sept2017 i have very much stopped taking care of my mom. I’ve even been mid conversation with her and just abruptly ended it by saying “mom you need to talk to s0meone else about this.” when it feels she is looking for her answers through me. She even called me a couple months ago and asked if she did something wrong because i dont check on her as much. She is also starting to heal from her divorce which is good. I’m an hour away from most of my immediate family so doing too much for others is not really an issue right now.

I have found myself ruminating over trauma and damage caused by my parents lack of self care, which left me also uncared for.  It makes me angry to see myself as a crying baby while my mom tried to kill herself, or being 3 years old hiding in a cabinet because my dad was destroying the house in anger. But what really makes me angry is the denial of these realities until very recently, it made me feel growing up as if I was doing something wrong because i wasn’t happy but according to my parents growing up our home life was “fine” Now as an adult revisiting my childhood i see domestic violence perpetrated by my father on all members, emotional neglect, not to mention the horrors i experienced growing up in the hood.

If i’m to be completely honest i get depressed because im straight up lonely, especially at night. I desperately want to share with someone my happiness when i feel it and my pain when i need soothing. Whats frustrating is I know that even if my desire to have a partner was reached I would then be in a constant state of anxiety from distrust of people based on being lied to and cheated on a few times in the past. I even had a dream last night that i was with a woman and she was cheating on me with one my friends. My way of dealing with life has always been fatalistic. expect the worse and i cant be dissapointed. Of course it keeps me relatively safe, but still disconnected from the joys of the world.

I also feel very inexperienced when it comes to women at this point i’ve been in one 5 year relationship non-cohabitating, 2 that lasted a couple months, and more recently a one night stand that turned into a very intense week of closeness that felt like exactly what i needed though the woman also had bipolar disorder, been sexually abused, and sought sex to cope, she also moved for a job. Most women i meet just want to fuck, but ill treat them like queens regardless taking extra good care of them sexually and emotionally, they get addicted and then take advantage of me.

The lonely feeling has only every really been quenched by romance for me. I feel guilty because i have made amazing friends over the past few years and i’m more social than i’ve ever been in my life yet i still feel alone and empty. It’s hard for me to really want to share the truth with people because most people freak out and go into “fix it” mode or are just paralyzed by my truth for which ill bail them out by saying something like “but im fine” even though im really not okay right now. i’ve cut my self on two different occasions within the past 3 months.

I’ve thought that maybe if i just feel the sadness let it be there and run its course that it will eventually weaken. My thinking about this now is that i dont just want to not be sad, instead i want to be at peace and experience joy. I don’t know if i’m just being lazy by letting myself be sad and not fighting with it.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by noname.

Yes my depression has a lot to do (at least subjectively) with not having a woman around and feeling as if i’m at an age where a committed relationship may never happen again. I have very few single friends. It makes me feel even worse about myself that i cant keep any kind of romantic relationships alive for more than a couple months now without it falling apart. I have an underlying constant pain that even when i feel happy reminds me that i cant be loved

I feel unlovable I think because just as I am I’ve never felt accepted by others or as if i were good enough. I only feel accepted when I help other people. When i need help people indirectly show that they can’t handle it, or that I’m burdening them, or they just start talking about themselves.

Also being cheated on and lied to tells me there’s something about me that isn’t worthy of being loved.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 6 months ago by noname.

Anita

Thank you for your response. I will try my best at changing the way I talk to myself. But ive tried this in my head and it doesent make me feel any better most times. I don’t understand why I fight the sadness so hard.

It is so difficult to go through these battles alone. I feel in severe need of physical contact with another human. I’m just talking about a hug nothing more. I might get a hug once a month maybe and usually only when I visit my family. Yesterday I could not stop sobbing uncontrollably in my room it was EXTREMELY difficult for me not to break anything in my house or self harm. I cried until I was too tired to stay awake. I curled up in a ball on the floor wishing someone could here me but of course there was no one there.

My motivation to take care of myself is weakening, as I have rarely been cared for in my life other than therapy and groups. At the same time it sounds like an excuse to me to be sad because I need human connection.

I don’t know if my sadness is justified. It’s so hard for me to let myself cry for myself I was always told not to be a victim. I don’t know if I’m just being lazy or if I really have a reason to be sad. Either way im lost in my mind as far as what the next step should be for me in terms of self care that will lead me to connection with people.