Dear Peace,

Let me recap your history with your friend, to try to understand your situation better:

You were best friends, he was interested in you 2 years ago. He would flirt, talk and tease you, but “never asked for something official or even marriage”, so you assumed he is not interested in you romantically. However, when you got involved with someone else, he then “told me how much he likes me and wants to marry and he is waiting for me and that I should let him know when it doesn’t work out“.

When that relationship didn’t work out, you let your friend know and he started flirting with you again, but again, nothing serious:

Unfortunately The relationship dint work out. Than again this flirting went on ,teasing,talking all but nothing serious..

Then you got involved in another relationship, because you were “tired of waiting for something serious from that ”best friend”:

untill after months I got confused and someone asked me out in Germany..he was looking decent and of same culture.. i Started seeing him ,because I was tired of  waiting for something serious from that“ best friend“ ..

Now I think I understand better what happened here: you liked your best friend, had feelings for him, and were hoping for quite a while that he would finally propose. But he never did, although at some point (when you were in another relationship) he told you he likes you a lot and wants to marry you and will be waiting for you. However, he never followed through on that, because when you were single again, he never proceeded to ask you to marry him.

And then, in the summer of 2021, you met your now husband. Your friend reacted in his usual manner: once you were in another relationship, he expressed that he is serious about you:

As I was a bit busy with my full time job and my new guy .I was not interested in flirting with my friend… so again he told me how serious he is …

Well, this friend of yours seems to be very problematic: he was only “serious” about you when you were in another relationship. But when you were available again, he never did anything to show that his intentions are serious. He never made a serious move and offered you marriage. Which means he was never serious about you, but was fooling with you. Playing a game. If he had serious intentions – and had he truly loved you – he would have made his move.

But since you had a crush on him and would have said yes if he had proposed – I wonder if you have doubts now? That maybe you should have waited with getting married, and waited for this guy to come to his senses? When you asked the question:

why is it so that sometimes we know that we took the right decision but suddenly we start to doubt ourselves and our Decisions ??

Was it the decision about dismissing this guy’s false promises once and for all, and choosing to settle with your now husband? Are you now doubting this decision?

For what it’s worth, I believe you made a good decision by choosing your husband, and stopped hoping that your friend would finally propose. If he is serious about you now, I think it’s only because he is under pressure to get married (his mother wants to make an official proposal to your family). But otherwise, he sounds like an immature and confused person, who only shows interest in you when you aren’t available. I think it’s a very good decision that you didn’t wait for him, because I don’t think your marriage would have been a happy one!

Dear Peace,

he was interested untill i was unavalible and than same pattern again.
thats true i felt too that he was confused ..

Yes, it sounds like an avoidant pattern because he wanted you while you were unavailable, and then when you were free, he never expressed love to you or asked you to get married. In fact, you said that when you broke up with your then-boyfriend and approached him, he started behaving very cold and didn’t even want to talk to you:

he was like a best friend to me and purposed me and I asked for some time to think about it(as I was already messed up in another relationship which he dint know about) ..as I sorted things out and approached he acted like stranger ,totally ignoring me even wasn’t talking to me like a friend..I-was so complete it shock and felt betrayal.

It’s like he got scared of a possibility of a relationship with you, and he became quite unfriendly, as a defense mechanism. Later, when you got into another relationship, he started getting closer again. It seems like he is afraid of an intimate relationship, either with you, or in general, with any woman.

How do you feel about him now? Do you have some regrets about him?

Dear Peace,

..because when i approched him and asked him if he interested now? he said he wants to focus on his study and doesnt want to be involve in anything …

Well, there is your answer about how serious he is/was about you: you asked him openly if he is still interested, he said no (giving his studies as an excuse), although in the past, he told you he wants to marry you and to let him know when you’ll be single again. He played this game of hot and cold more than once: he was cold when you were interested and available, he was hot when you were unavailable. This all shows he didn’t really want to be with you, due to intimacy issues, or attachment issues, or whatever.

i also think what if i made the right decision ,not to give him any chance when he came after 3 months of rejecting me ..

I think you made the right decision, because he has been playing this game of hot-and-cold with you for quite a while, and it’s a very bad sign. As I said, I think that even now, he is still not ready for a serious relationship, but is probably pressured to get married by his family.

i think about him sometimes and how he changed suddenly

His erratic behavior isn’t your fault, so don’t blame yourself. When he had a chance to be with you, he became very unfriendly and started ignoring you. As I said in my previous post, it could have been a defense mechanism because he was scared of getting into a relationship. He might have also been angry at you for rejecting him at first (because you were in another relationship), but if he truly loved you, he would have understood. He actually told you once he would wait for you, so his sudden change in attitude shows how immature he is. He also seems emotionally wounded too. In any case, don’t blame yourself for his strange behavior… it’s not because of you, but because of his issues.

i dont regret because i m with a wonderful person ,he cares for me ,loves me so much that i dont think anyone else could ever treat me like my husband does..he is very supportive ,listens to me when i say something…

That’s wonderful, Peace, I am happy for you. Your husband does seem like a very mature person, who loves you and cares about you a lot. It sounds like you have hit the jackpot with him! 🙂

i dont think so ,if my best friend would ever treated me like my husband does…

Yes, because your husband seems emotionally healthy, unlike your friend, who has some unresolved issues, which would make your relationship (if it ever came to it) much much harder.

Dear Peace:

You shared today that your oldest sister who, if I understand correctly, sent you abroad to study medicine, and who kept sending you money so that you become a medical doctor, has recently accused you of “disturbing and torturing… and blackmailing” your family who sacrificed for you so that you become a medical doctor, but you didn’t follow through with studying medicine. Next, she hoped that at the least, you would study physiotherapy and become a physiotherapist, but you chose to not follow through with that either. She told you that she thinks that you “didn’t achieve anything here“, suggesting that all of her/ family’s financial investment in you bore no return on investment.

“They really spent money on me …I don’t know …I should pay them back” – if you had an agreement with your sister/ family to use their money for the purpose of studying medicine, and you then chose to drop out of the program, and later, you agreed to keep using their money for the purpose of studying physiotherapy, and then you chose to drop out of the program, then indeed you should plan on paying them back, because you broke the agreement with them.

I remember that you shared that you used to repeatedly gave and sent money to a guy, a romantic interest of yours. My goodness, Peace: you gave your sister’s/ family’s money to a guy, misusing their money in this way?

You should definitely return that money to your family!

“I didn’t want to talk to my family and invite this drama, but my husband’s mom wanted to talk to my family, and so my husband wants to fulfill his mom wish of celebrating our marriage … and I talked to family and now so much disturbed… I am thinking to talk to my husband about waiting 1-1.5 years till I complete my studies and talk to them again … because I feel like I dragged my husband into this all mess…and I feel sorry for him” –

– like I wrote, if you used your sister’s/ family’s money for purposes other than what you agreed on, then you should return all that money to them. If you can’t do it now, then do so after you graduate the program that you chose to pursue when you are gainfully employed.

As far as your husband goes, I am not clear: (1) are the two of you living together as husband and wife? (2) is he gainfully employed?

anita

Dear Peace:

It is a wonderful thing then, I am glad to read that (1) you and your husband are living together, (2) that you are working and financing yourself, and (3) that your husband is working as well.

When you wrote in regard to financial help from your sister/ family: “I didn’t ask for money for the last 5.5 years“, do you mean that you didn’t ask, and you didn’t accept money from your family in the last 5.5 years (or do you mean that you didn’t ask for money but accepted it nonetheless)?

It will be helpful if you are able to calculate how much money you accepted from your family, so that you can make a plan to return their money in monthly installments over the next months or years.

anita

Dear Peace:

This is good news: for 5.5 years, your sister/ family did not send you any money except that one time. This means that your debt to your family (for having agreed to use their money for certain purposes, purposes you did not fulfill) is limited.

So, calculate how much you owe them, send it to your sister/family, keep records of the transactions so you have the proof that you no longer have any financial debt to your sister/family, and your sister would not have a single valid reason to accuse you of misusing or mistreating your family in any way, shape or form, would she?

anita

Dear Peace:

“There are things which have no logic but still our society follow that” – Peace, you too are Society. You and your husband together, are society, no less than your sister and her husband. If you and your husband believe in logic and truth, then… follow logic and truth.

Separate your sisters’ accusation into two groups: what is logical and true and what is illogical and untrue.

If after you pay your financial debt to your sister, she still tells people that “she has sacrificed a lot for me to support me and to send me abroad“- then show the people the evidence that you indeed paid her back all that you owe her.

If your sister continues to accuse you of what is illogical and untrue- end your contact with her.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by .