bad timing or patterns?

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This topic has 193 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 1 month ago by anita.

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April 4, 2021 at 2:51 pm #377217
Tee
Participant
Dear Peace,

I too think your flatmate is guilt tripping you, and it seems to be common for all the men you were involved with. In their eyes, it’s always your fault that you want to leave them, as if it has nothing to do with their behavior. We’ve talked about it before – that when the child doesn’t receive love and attention, and is bullied or neglected, the child believes it’s their own fault. The child never blames the parents or care-takers, but themselves. That’s why you’re susceptible to blaming yourself and also to believing those who blame you.

You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. This flatmate is also a selfish, confused person, who doesn’t know what he wants and then is harassing you with his crazy proposals.

The best would be to find another flatmate ASAP, or move out and if you need a flatmate to share the costs, by all means find a woman! Don’t put yourself again in a situation where you have to share a flat with a man, and then suffer from any kind of harassment.

And remember: you aren’t guilty for wanting to be treated with dignity and respect, and for wanting to protect your boundaries!
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
April 4, 2021 at 2:59 pm #377219

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita,

No anita..i dint have sex, or kissed or hugged him ever.. But i feel i should have distanced myself t, when he first proposed me…

April 4, 2021 at 3:07 pm #377220

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

I am glad to read this! Like TeaK just posted to you a little while ago: “Don’t put yourself again in a situation where you have to share a flat with a man, and then suffer from any kind of harassment”.

When you say No to a man, make it a strong No, and see that your behavior fits the No. Don’t give men double messages, a Maybe or a weak-no, followed by a maybe-yes, and so forth.

anita

April 6, 2021 at 11:48 am #377291

Peace
Participant

Dear Teak and Anita ,

thank you for your thoughts about my this 32 year old flatmate.. i stopped talking to him and i m feeling lighter in (Peace) and less disturb as i was before .unfortunately i dint choose him as my flatemate i m moving out and going back to my country to visit my mom and hopfully in my next flat (in end of june) wont be sharing .

i want to share something which he said to me and that disturb me for days .. when he was mad at me ,he said once, He cares for me alot but he doesnt see the same care from me toward him and he believes in “Karma” ,he than said , Maybe one day you will meet someone who you will care alot and he wont care about you at all .. ( i felt bad and scared and guilty ) his these lines scared me but later i start thinking : if karma will hit me back because he cares for me and i dont ,than why was i suffering in past and unhappy in childhood whose karma was hitting me all those time, even i didnt hurt anyone back than .

thank you for recommending me the book ” Running on Empty” i have started reading it (as i m free after exams for a week) and i m finding it very interesting .as i can relate it alot..but what i feel after reading 95 pages out of 240 pages that my parents wasnt there emotionally for me .. i could relate to some stories like i never showed my school diary to my parents ,siblings nor any of my family …i dint get that emotional part of me in childhood ..it is a very good book i m gonna read it full and follow it, so that i can give my inner child (me) that emotional (love )support which she was missing and overcome that emotional neglect.

P.S:

my now (ex) bf continuously trying to guilt tripp me but Fortunately i m not falling for it now and i m not Guilty ..

thank you Anita and Teak to letting me know that its okey to choose myself and my Peace without being guilty or feeling wrong ..

as Teak wrote: “You are not guilty for not liking and not accommodating to selfish people who’d try to use you this or that way. You have the right to dislike them and to protect yourself and separate yourself from them, both physically and emotionally. ”

i agree ..thats what i learnt from our conversations: if my mental health or myself get disturbed by someone or their actions , its okey to walk away without feeling guilty ..i m going to keep it very simple from now onwards by setting some boundaries .

Peace

April 6, 2021 at 12:15 pm #377294

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

You are welcome. You felt scared and guilty after your flat mate told you what he told you because he tried to scare you and make you feel guilty and he succeeded for a while. He was angry at you for not (showing him more affection.. or for not having sex with him, I am guessing), so he intended to punish you by making you feel bad: scared and guilty.

He wanted you to suffer, and like you figured out, and I am using my own words here: you already suffered as a child even though you were completely innocent and had zero personal Karma that could justify your childhood suffering.

Yes, Peace, in regard to people who try to punish you and have power over you by making you feel badly (the flat mate, the ex, others in the future), please do “walk away without feeling guilty… keep it simple from now onward by setting some boundaries”!

anita

April 7, 2021 at 4:20 am #377318
Tee
Participant
Dear Peace,

I am glad you like the book and that it’s helping you. And that you choose to protect your boundaries from now on, and not feel guilty when someone’s guilt tripping you. Also, it’s great to hear you’re moving to another apartment in the summer, away from your annoying flatmate. Really great news! Take care of yourself, and do keep in touch!
- This reply was modified 4 years ago by Tee.
April 9, 2021 at 1:25 pm #377419

Peace
Participant

dear Anita and Teak ,

thank you ..you too take care of yourself …

will be in touch 🙂

April 9, 2021 at 1:54 pm #377420

Anonymous
Guest

You are welcome, Peace, take care and be in touch!

anita

July 1, 2021 at 9:35 am #382239

Anonymous
Guest

How are you, Peace???

anita

July 8, 2021 at 1:02 pm #382656

Peace
Participant

Hallo Anita,

i just noticed your message …it felt so good .. thank you ..

i am good and Fine, how about you ? Did you take your Corona vaccination ?

i have exams again next month ..see time flies haha ..i was just giving exams in march -April and i remember posting here on those days .

July 8, 2021 at 1:24 pm #382657

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

Good to read back from you! Yes, I got fully vaccinated (2 shots of the Pfizer vaccine) back in March and I am very happy that I got vaccinated. I wish every person in the world would get vaccinated! How about you? I hope that you prepare well and do well on your exams next month.

anita

July 8, 2021 at 1:31 pm #382658

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita,

i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again 🙂

July 8, 2021 at 1:31 pm #382659

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita,

i got my first shot of biotech and hopfully end of this month i will take my second shot ..

Ya my preparation is going Good too. hopfully i will do my best this time again 🙂

July 8, 2021 at 1:56 pm #382660

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Peace:

See to it that you do all that you can do to get the second shot at the end of July/ as soon as possible. Good to read that your preparation is going well. We had a heat wave where I am at, the highest temperatures ever for this area, and way higher than the previous record. I wonder how you are faring, where you are, as far as global warming is concerned. I will be going for a walk next (almost 2 pm and cool enough to walk)- thankfully for days now, the temperatures are back down.

anita

July 8, 2021 at 2:08 pm #382661

Peace
Participant

A small update:

as i mentioned about a Guy in my previous post i m quoting here :

“On the other hand a guys asked me that he is interested to know me as he is finding someone for marriage, and wanna see if there is any compatibility between us , if its okey for me?( as he doesnt know that i have a long distance bf nor i told him that ). I still dint reply him and i dont knw what to say.. This guy is of my same caste and working here in another city 20 – 30 mints away from me..he helped me by being my sponsor ( he issued for me a letter of sponsorship) for my visa, as my visa officer was very rude and making alot of troubles and wasnt accepting my work contract and almost 6k euro blocked bank amount.. He saved me in that situation. I met him twice Wht i know that he is straight forward men..”

so i m seeing ( trying to know him) from May this year almost 2 months ..we go out on weekends 1-2 times a week and travel to other cities or countries , have some coffee / ice cream , dinner. we spend time togather we laugh ,tease each other and enjoy the company and we like it .we are seeing each other in non_sexual way ..we dint even kiss each other yet hahaha ..we just hold each others hand when we go out …i dont invite him at my place nor does he..which i m liking it .. he is an introvert and it took him almost more than one month to hold my hand. he doesnt do all the sweet talks but i see him doing the things which he should be doing ..and i really feel good inside and appreciate it .i like the consistancy and that i dont need to walk on egg shells while trying to talk to him or discuss to him something. he doesnt force me to do things which i cant do ..even while making plans he always ask me “when do you have time ? or if i m avaliable / or if possible than ” .. …i dont know why but i m feeling as if its right one this time ..its going slow but very calm as if there is no need to rush anything …i havent seen any such red flags yet ..

what are your thoughts about this Anita ?
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