Dear Peace,

congratulations on getting married in your homeland too! And having a big wedding that you enjoyed, despite your family not being super happy about it.

What is more important, I am so glad you feel free from your family’s expectations and guilt-tripping, free to enjoy your marriage and your own choices. I am super happy about you and how much you’ve grown and blossomed in these last few years!!

My health is so-so, still suffering from health anxiety. And it is not helping that I have various health issues (smaller but not insignificant) popping up rather frequently… which kind of gives me the reason to worry. So it’s hard to break free from the cycle of worrying… Anyway, I am working on it, hopefully will see some results soon.

During my childhood, my mom was always nice,kinf,loving but not expressive. She never said no to anything I asked, and she never scolded me. She was really kind. But what was missing for me was the feeling of being taken care of. I wished my parents would be more concerned about me, wondering where I was if I disappeared for a bit. Unlike other kids’ parents, mine didn’t ask about my day. It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others .

It’s nice that your mother was kind and never scolded you. And that she was physically tender with you and never rejected you when you wanted her comfort and soothing (I remember her arms, the hands that fed me, and her lap, where I would rest my head even though I was getting older). That’s very healthy.

Perhaps what was missing was her showing more interest in you, like asking you how your day was, and also perhaps noticing that you feel sad about something and asking you about it? Maybe she failed to protect you if your siblings (or relatives) were cruel with you? (she couldn’t understand that I needed protection and emotional support.)

If so, it would be a type of emotional neglect (failing to protect you, or failing to notice your mood and comfort you). And as you say, this was inherent in the traditional upbringing: Our family followed the older tradition where having a family and kids was normal, and they didn’t think much beyond basic needs like food, clothes, and getting married. It was usual in our culture for older siblings to take care of the younger ones.

If older siblings were supposed to take care of the younger ones, they of course couldn’t take care of their emotional needs, but of their physical safety at most. Which is not enough, because we need emotional safety and attunement even more than food and clothing. So… if you had no one to take care of your emotional needs, no wonder you felt lonely and unwanted, and looked elsewhere to meet that need (It felt like I wasn’t really looked after or belonged to anyone, and that made me feel lonely and i used to look for attention and love from others.).

It’s not your mom’s fault – it’s just how she was raised and what she knew. But she also gave you a lot of physical touch and cuddling, which is super important, and she was also never abusive (she never criticized you, yelled at you, shamed you, or emotionally manipulated you). This all means that you did get a lot of her love, only it wasn’t complete. As you yourself said, emotional protection and support was missing… but now you are getting it from your husband, and are also giving it to yourself. Which is why you’ve had a major healing!

And I am super happy for all the healing and growth you’ve experienced, and all the positive vibes coming from you! Congratulations, Peace!

Dear Peace:

The person who submitted the last post to you (Feb 20), congratulating you for getting married, and for your healing and growth is Tee, not me.

“I’ve just finished my exams, but unfortunately, they didn’t go well despite all the effort I put into preparing for them. It’s disappointing, but I’m not giving up. I’ll try again“- this is the right attitude!

“Lately, I’ve been feeling like my siblings are mad at me or hate me. One of my sisters, who lives in Europe, has been pretty rude. She asks me for help and money, but she never says thank you. I feel like She blames me for her visa problems and that she is not getting job in Europe, even though I have nothing to do with it…“- I wrote above that trying again is the right attitude, and it is, as far as exams are concerned, but trying again with your sisters, trying to get them to like you and treat you well is .. not the right attitude and a waste of your emotional energy, energy that you need for trying again to pass the exams!

“Before my wedding, another sister accused me of being selfish. She said I could have helped more siblings move to Europe but chose not to because I dint want anyone to be prosper and have better life .It really hurt, especially right before my big day. Later, I found out it was my older sister spreading these rumors and badmouthing me to everyone. It feels like they made a group and I am the villain of everyone’s story..“-

– here is a quote from bustle. com/ signs your siblings are toxic: “Just because someone is related to you doesn’t automatically make them a positive part of your life. Everyone wants a good relationship with their family, but if you feel like crap after every interaction, you might want to look out for some signs you have toxic siblings… A toxic sibling might borrow money to resolve crisis after crisis and make you feel bad if you say no…

“Constructive criticism coming from a place of love is one thing, but a sign your sister is jealous of you could be that she intentionally makes you feel bad about yourself, instead of dealing with her own feelings… You may often feel as though you can’t do anything right because your sibling will nitpick and find ‘flaws’ in you… you don’t have to take it just because it’s coming from a family member… With toxic siblings, your brother or sister is never wrong… (blaming) others for their own mistakes or faults… They often have the mentality that nothing is their fault, and everyone else is wrong…

“A toxic sibling never apologizes, no matter what they did or how much it hurt you… A healthy relationship with a sibling… comes with an ‘open line of communication,’ meaning that if you tell your sibling that they hurt your feelings, ‘they should be receptive to that, and be willing to meet your needs [for an apology].’…

“Toxic siblings will do anything they can to take advantage of you… if they know you’re a people pleaser who has a hard time saying no, they will keep badgering you until you finally cave. They might even tell other family members about your weaknesses so that they can take advantage of you, too… and will guilt-trip you into getting what they want…

“You can do no right, while they can do no wrong… There’s always an excuse or a reason why your situations are different or why they’re not in the wrong — even if you both took the same action or made the same mistake. ‘They minimize your feelings but give themselves the space to process theirs, or expect you to show empathy for what they’re going through but don’t acknowledge your feelings'”-

– the above reads like a description of your sisters, doesn’t it?

anita

Dear Peace: seems like you did address your earlier post to me correctly (referring to my Jan 25 congratulating post, previous page). I am adding this post because you submitted your last post only 3 minutes after I submitted mine, and maybe you wouldn’t notice my last post.. so, it’s there!

anita