bad timing or patterns?

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This topic has 193 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 months ago by anita.

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October 12, 2023 at 10:01 am #423012

Peace
Participant

Dear Teak,

how are you now ? how is your mental health?

i want to write more and reply you later 🙂

October 12, 2023 at 10:55 am #423014

anita
Participant

Dear Peace:

H a P p Y 28 B i R t H d A y, P e A c E !!!!

Thank you for your empathy for me, I appreciate it a lot!

“I’ve been in shock and denial, but I’m gradually moving towards acceptance“- this kind of acceptance is a necessary part of healing: good job, Peace!

“I would love to know more about your experiences if you wish to share with me“- there is nothing that a little girl needs more than her mother to smile at her with this message: I like you, I like who you are, thank you for being in my life, you make me happy. Too often (and once was such event was one too many), my mother’s sentiment was: I do not like you, you are a bad girl, you are disgusting, I feel hurt and miserable for having you in my life!

Getting that message (and repeatedly, and at great length each time) messed me up big time.

“When I consider your situation, it makes me reflect on my own relationship with my mother. She’s quite emotionally distant..“- we all need or needed a mother who expresses her affection, not a distant one.

“Nevertheless, I still hold deep love for her. In moments of grief, I often wish she could be with me, She’s truly the sweetest and most innocent person I know.“- reading this is making me smile. Thank you, Peace, for being a loving daughter and a loving person!

anita

October 15, 2023 at 9:52 am #423124

Tee
Participant

Dear Peace,

happy belated birthday! I hope you did manage to celebrate it properly, in spite of being really busy at work.

Thank you for inquiring about me. And sorry for being so slow to reply. My mental health is better at the moment, since I’ve found some really good youtube videos on health anxiety, which helped me a lot. I can now manage my health anxiety better and don’t have such a gloomy outlook on life. So things have been better, thankfully 🙂

i want to write more and reply you later

Great! I’d love to hear how you feel about what I said in my last post, and in general, where you stand now, both emotionally and practically (related to the wedding plans and money issues).

I’ve been in shock and denial, but I’m gradually moving towards acceptance.

This is good to hear. Yeah, it’s hard to accept that those we love might not love us the same, or might not be capable of loving us the way we would want to.

I am also sorry that your mother is suffering from dementia and cannot really connect on a deeper level, even if she would want to.

I think it’s actually good that you’ve started reflecting more on the relationship between you and your mother, and want to explore it further. You say she is a sweet person, but emotionally distant. Was she emotionally distant also before the onset of her dementia?

From what I’ve understood about your childhood, you haven’t received much personal attention from your mother, because she was very busy, having many children to take care of. She also was busy helping her relatives, if I remember well? Perhaps all those were factors that contributed to her feeling emotionally distant.

You say she is introverted. Perhaps that means she wasn’t really talking too much about her own feelings either, perhaps stuffing them down, and so this contributed to her not being attuned to your (and your siblings’) feelings either?

These are all speculations, and I am not claiming any of this is true. But I think it would be worth exploring the dynamic between you and your mother, and how she might have hurt you unintentionally with her behavior.

I also trust that you love her deeply, and that’s wonderful. But perhaps it would help you to know if there was something she failed to provide – unintentionally – and how to give it to yourself now.

November 19, 2023 at 8:09 am #425118

anita
Participant

How are you, Peace?

anita

January 19, 2024 at 8:50 am #427103

anita
Participant

Thinking about you, Peace, hoping for peace in your life.. and in the world.

anita

January 25, 2024 at 12:12 pm #427246

Peace
Participant

hallllooooooo dear Anita,

i just opened the Forum after a long time 🙂 and so happy to see your message 🙂

i am good i have alottt to talk about 🙂

i am still healing after a surgury which was last tuesday i was hospitalized for 3 days and than discharged . yes i am feeling so much better ANITA.

How are you doing

January 25, 2024 at 12:18 pm #427248

Peace
Participant

Sorry i couldnt write further in october and November ..and guess what ?????

i went to my homeland in December and got married there FINALLLYYYYY…. we had a huge marriage cermony and ofcourse my family was not interested much but i dint care much..because i was happy and i knew i was making a right choice 🙂

i cant think of being so much confident in my life even after disappointing alot to people in life .. what does it called ?? freedom ?

Now we are finally in Germany again .

January 25, 2024 at 12:23 pm #427250

Peace
Participant

correction:

i cant think of being so much confident in my life very first time evenafter disappointing alot to people .. what does it called ?? freedom ? i was always a people pleaser but what changed?

January 25, 2024 at 1:00 pm #427253

anita
Participant

Dear Peace:

I am doing fine, thank you, and I am thrilled to read back from you!

C o N g R a T u L a T i O n S for getting married, Mrs. Peace!

“I have alottt to talk about“- do talk to me about anything you want to talk about. And please tell me: what kind of surgery did you have?

And is your new freedom about no longer needing to people-please your family of origin, and no longer being afraid to disappoint them?

anita

January 25, 2024 at 1:58 pm #427257

Peace
Participant

Hallo dearest Anita,
I had a surgery of a fibroid in uterus wall which was growing like crazy it was around 7 cm and was continuously increasing size .. I needed to take its size .after a long time I finally decided to get rid of this. So now I m feeling a lot better . I really Wana have a family of my own now but I guess I need to wait more 4-5 months so that my body heals in good way . I m excited for this 🙂

January 25, 2024 at 2:13 pm #427261

Peace
Participant

Hi Anita, I feel more free now. I used to feel like I had to prove myself to my siblings, but not anymore. I don’t think my value depends on what I achieve or how much money I have. I’m not working hard just to get respect from my family.

I also don’t feel the need to always please my older sister. Her opinions about me and the fact that she invested money in me don’t control me anymore.

As I think about it, I realize that maybe I saw my older siblings as parental figures because my father was not around when I was young. I looked to them for love, support, and protection, much like a child looks to a father.

January 25, 2024 at 2:17 pm #427262

Peace
Participant

Hahhaha thank you sooo much for congratulating me .. thank you Anita 🙂

January 25, 2024 at 5:04 pm #427270

anita
Participant

Dear Peace:

I just got home and read your replies. It is Thurs 5:04 pm here, Fri 2:04 am where you are at. I’ll write more to you Fri morning, my time.

anita

January 26, 2024 at 11:06 am #427285

anita
Participant

Dear Peace:

I am glad that the operation was successful and the thyroids removed.

“I feel more free now. I used to feel like I had to prove myself to my siblings, but not anymore. I don’t think my value depends on what I achieve or how much money I have. I’m not working hard just to get respect from my family. I also don’t feel the need to always please my older sister. Her opinions about me and the fact that she invested money in me don’t control me anymore. As I think about it, I realize that maybe I saw my older siblings as parental figures because my father was not around when I was young. I looked to them for love, support, and protection, much like a child looks to a father“-

– This is an excellent testimony to what a huge difference a good man (your husband) and a healthy relationship can make in a young woman’s life, leading to you being mentally/emotionally so much healthier now than you were before. Your insight is excellent, and your sense of freedom well deserved.

You shared back in July 21, 2021, about your now-husband, and about the relationship with him: “He is a great guy …he is the person with whom I’m having a healthy relationship, who listens to me, cares for me, doesn’t react when something doesn’t go according to plan ,respects me and respects my space and boundary”.

May your loyalty be with him, your new, chosen family, and again, a pleasure and a thrill to read from you again!

anita

January 29, 2024 at 3:18 pm #427394

Peace
Participant

Dear Anita,

“I am glad that the operation was successful and the thyroids removed.”

Thank you! Yes, the fibroid was successfully removed. Thank god :).

–” This is an excellent testimony to what a huge difference a good man (your husband) and a healthy relationship can make in a young woman’s life, leading to you being mentally/emotionally so much healthier now than you were before. Your insight is excellent, and your sense of freedom well deserved.”

Thank you, Anita. That’s so true. His presence in my life has made me a calmer person; I feel no anxiety when I am around him. He is my comfort zone, and I can truly be myself around him, which makes me feel secure. Although my life may have its chaos, I am mentally at peace with my husband. I consider myself fortunate to have him in my life, and I am truly grateful.

Here, I also want to give credit to you, especially, and this forum. I found valuable insights into my situation, which contributed to my personal growth and a better understanding of life, people, and relationships. I believe it was in 2017 when I first wrote on this forum, completely heartbroken and lacking understanding in many areas.

Our conversations gave me the courage to break free from societal expectations like ‘What will people say?’ and ‘Others’ opinions should not matter.’ It took me some time to fully grasp these concepts, but I learned my lessons without any regrets of disappointing anyone.
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