Dear Anita,

you are welcome:)

After all the choas in 2022 ,we had planned, my husband and I decided to approach my family after I had a stable job or completed my studies. We intended to wait for about 1-1.5 years for this. Fortunately, things went according to our plan. Recently, I extended my visa based on my internship and studies without needing any financial assistance from anyone, not even my husband. He’s a permanent resident of Germany and will soon become a citizen, having met all the requirements. We were patient in taking this step. I didn’t want to register our marriage here until we this year after a proper desi wedding, for my personal satisfaction, I didn’t want to rely on a dependent visa; I wanted to achieve something on my own.

Now, here’s what happened: My sister, for whom I helped with the bribe and who wanted my help with buying a house or apartment, asked me about my husband and if she was invited to my brother’s wedding. I suggested she invite his family too. She invited her own family, perhaps because I had been sending a lot of money home, and they wanted to make me happy, but I’m not entirely sure.

At the wedding, her mom and sister came, and we met. However, a few weeks later, another sister started making indirect racist comments about her. Maybe her intention was to make me feel bad about my choice of husband, and these comments hurt me and left me confused.

Later, the same sister asked me to reconsider my decision. She cited an example of another sister who had married into a family where one of the parents had married someone from the same ethnic background as my husband’s (African ancestry). She claimed that this family had faced problems, including domestic violence, and she warned me to be cautious, stating that the race was inferior and that my sister had faced violence because her husband had some connection to that race. These comments were very racist and offensive.

i asked my mother in law to talk to my for my marriage because we have waited enough .and i felt i now have a stable position here.i told my sister that my mother in law will contact you regarding marriage .

Sure, let’s break it down:

My mother-in-law came to discuss our wedding plans, and during the conversation, she couldn’t agree to give the amount of gold that my family expected. In our family, giving gold is a common tradition for weddings. My family didn’t like that she tried to negotiate about the gold, which was worth 4500 euros. They politely told her they needed to discuss it and would let her know later.

The next day, my sister messaged me and called these people “cheap” because they didn’t agree to provide the gold and dresses we had asked for. My older sister also had some negative things to say, like people would make fun of us. They made unkind remarks about our race and suggested that after marriage, my husband wouldn’t support me financially. They even said all men were the same and tried to convince me that my husband would change after we got married. They also said his mother was clever and would make my life difficult. They mentioned that he had six sisters who would create problems for me. They basically wanted me to believe that my husband’s family was terrible, cheap, and strict about money, and they said lots of things to worry me. They also suggested that my mother-in-law didn’t want to share her son and wouldn’t agree to these demands.

My husband and I spoke to my mother-in-law about this, and she explained that negotiating before a wedding was normal. She said she had no issue with their demands because my husband would be the one handling the expenses, and if he was okay with it, there was no problem.

I shared this with my sister, but then she started a new issue, claiming that my mother-in-law insulted her. When I didn’t buy into that, she said my mother-in-law insulted me and made fun of my height. She also said my mother-in-law talked to my sister and didn’t want me to marry her son. She painted a negative picture of my mother-in-law, saying she was terrible and clever, among other things.

I refused to be manipulated because I talked to my husband’s family directly, and I had even met my mother-in-law when she visited Germany for three months this year.

When my family realized their demands might be met, my MIL tried to contact my sister through voice messages because she didn’t answer her calls. When that didn’t work, they resorted to emotional manipulation, claiming that my mother-in-law’s conversation had almost caused my brother a stroke.

They said they were stressed and couldn’t sleep, and they threatened that if I married this guy, my brother would leave our home because he thought these people were not good. They even talked about the possibility of a fight happening in front of our house back home if my marriage went wrong. One of my sisters, who had already asked me for money and whom I paid a bribe for, said she would move away from our area because she couldn’t handle my mother-in-law’s behavior.

This same sister spoke harshly to me, saying they hadn’t sent me abroad to find a husband, and I had no right to choose my spouse. They believed it was up to them to decide if they liked my husband’s family or not. They also falsely claimed that my husband’s family had constant fights, which turned out to be untrue.

A week later, during my exams, they caused a lot of drama. They told me to complete my education and come back, saying they would take care of me. But their tone was aggressive, especially considering that just a week before, the same sister had asked me for 1000 euros in a much calmer manner, claiming she needed money.

continue..

Dear Anita and Tee,

“– your family is willing to put aside their hate for the color of your husband’s skin for their love of the color of gold… at least until they receive the gold?”

Yes, my family believes that the more money or gold they receive, the happier they’ll be, and they’ll gain more respect in our community. According to my sister, if my husband is from a lower social group, they should give us even more gold and have a lavish traditional wedding to impress everyone. Otherwise, people might make fun of us. The problem is that even my own family is like those people, who care a lot about showing off.

When my mother-in-law agreed to give the requested amount of gold, my sister, to whom I had given money for a bribe, suddenly told me that my husband’s family wasn’t good enough for us. She said that even if they offered us a substantial amount of gold, we wouldn’t agree, and she threatened to cut ties with me if I insisted on marrying my husband. She spoke to me rudely and acted like I had no say in choosing my partner.why was she so confident as if i am scared of being bycotted by them ?what made her think she has that power or right to talk to me in that tone?

Let me explain my sister’s double standards a bit more. Her own husband stopped taking financial responsibility just 2-3 years into their marriage. During her pregnancy, my family paid for all her medical expenses, and she stayed at our home for 6 months because her husband didn’t want to take care of her or their child, as she was the main provider for the family. After 6 months, she reluctantly went back to her husband’s house, which was only a 5-minute walk from ours. I had to help her financially with her job(paying a bribe) and she wants my help with buying a house (but she doesnt have any money for that ,any saving because just 6 months before i contributed for her job)

Despite all this, she treats me poorly and thinks my husband’s family isn’t up to our standards. This pattern is common among my other sisters too, where they end up shouldering all the family expenses while their husbands don’t contribute much. Strangely, they didn’t face these issues when they chose their partners, as the rest of the family supported their choices or arranged the marriage.

Now, when my sisters need something, they seem to expect me to provide it through our eldest sister, who wants to be the family’s main provider to gain respect and admiration from everyone.

I often feel portrayed as foolish, immature, and unappreciated. They might think that my achievements are due to their investments in me. That’s why my eldest sister guilt-tripped me by saying she regrets sending me away. She has been sending messages for the past two years, warning others not to send their daughters away at a young age. Sometimes, I felt guilty, but then I realized that I’ve been living independently away from them for seven years, and I’m turning 28 now. Am I still as foolish as they think I am? It felt like guilt-tripping, shaming, and gaslighting for my decisions.

“They (your sisters) mentioned that he had six sisters who would create problems for me“- your sisters know that so far it’s been your sisters who have been creating problems for you.. do they?”

No, they believe they are absolutely right. They think all men are the same, and because I live in Europe, they think there are plenty of men from our country interested in settling down with me here. I even doubt whether my siblings would ever agree to anyone else. Do you think they would? Maybe they’re worried that their investments in me would go to waste if I get married or have my own children. What do you think? Is it really about caste? I’m not so sure anymore, because it could have been negotiated if my mother-in-law hadn’t bargained. After she negotiated, my family became worried that this opportunity might slip away because my in-laws seem very focused on money (at least, that’s what I assume).

“– take away your loyalty from those who manipulated and betrayed you, and place it in the person who has been your pillar of support.”

I agree. I’m no longer loyal to them, and I can’t rely on or trust them anymore. I used to care deeply for them, but it feels like they betrayed me. They know that my husband is a good person – respectful, educated (by the way, none of my brothers-in-law went to university or got a degree), working, and responsible. They also know that we’re planning to buy our own apartment here. Yet, they rejected all this by saying I would be happier there, but they don’t want to deal with any future problems with my mother-in-law if our marriage faces challenges.

It’s quite funny and doesn’t make any sense. They’re not worth my loyalty, love, care, or respect, and certainly not the two years of waiting. They seem to have no feelings about how they made me, my husband, and his family wait just so they could start their next manipulative and selfish games after I got a stable job.

Why am I acting unkind towards my family ? It’s because I was really hurt and felt like they let me down and disrespected me, like they were toying with my emotions. They kept playing mind games until I decided to distance myself from them.

Hello Tee,

I’ve read your posts carefully and want to thank you for your responses and the time you’ve taken to discuss this with me.

I recently took a short break in the Netherlands over the weekend, so I couldn’t respond right away.

About the statement, “I hope you see that it would be absolutely devastating for you to move back to India and let them ‘take care’ of you,” I  believe she didn’t mean it. Instead, she might have said it to express disapproval of my choices or to make me worry /scared such as the threat that they would bycott me. What I’m sure of is that she didn’t actually want me to return because, realistically, there wouldn’t be anyone to support me financially there.

I also agree with your idea that their wish for me to take care of them could be mainly about money. This might be why they’re hesitant about my husband becoming my life partner. They’re concerned that his family’s involvement could create financial issues for them down the road.

“What you need is to move further and further away from them, both financially and emotionally. And stay physically as far away as possible from them.”

That’s precisely what I’m working on right now. I’ve reduced communication with most people and only maintain regular contact with my mom and one sister due to certain arrangements. It does make me feel somewhat isolated, and I find myself doubting the past experiences I’ve had with them, wishing things hadn’t turned out this way.

Although they’ve recently (about three weeks ago) agreed to my marriage, they’re still not willing to talk directly to my mother-in-law. Instead, they’re using me as the go-between for communication. They’ve shared their other requirements with me, and I’ve passed those on. I’ve also provided extra money for my wedding attire and to secure the banquet hall. I’m in charge of organizing my side of the wedding, while my husband’s family handles everything on their end. Our wedding ceremonies are scheduled for this December.

My eldest sister has asked me to cover the cost of her 300 euros worth of tickets to attend my wedding in December. This is unusual because she has contributed to the weddings of our other siblings in the past, and she spent a considerable sum for my brother’s wedding. Being the youngest, I’m handling every aspect, not just financially but also in terms of effort. I don’t expect others to contribute, but I also don’t want someone to add to my financial burden by asking me to pay for their tickets. It’s a bit uncomfortable.