that girl next door,

You are confused about how to make your relationship with your married sister better?

This is what I gleaned from what you posted:

It seemed that your best friend got in between your sister and her older husband.  Your sister became very close to your friend.  Your sister got annoyed (at you?) because you did not tell her what her husband said about your friend.  She is also annoyed that her husband is interfering with her relationship with you?

Now your sister does not want to talk with you and you want to find a way to make things better with her.

My question is that have you tried talking with her (rather than email or text)?  You can let her know how much you miss her, how you want a close(r) relationship with her and how you want to support her.  You can just be an empathetic listener.  You need not share to her what you feel about her husband for that is no point doing that.

There is a saying about communication: you ask three questions to yourself before speaking.  Is it true?  Is it useful?  Is it kind?

Mark

That-girl-nextdoor,

I would like to tell you some hint,

Salt and pepper are completely different,  their and color,  taste  but they always seem together. Your sister is your sister but being married , so there is different now! !! You have been trying to convincing your friend in order to deal with your sister? ?? ?? That was your intention and the husband of your sister found it out! !  Can you try to distant yourself from such crappy.  It doesn’t makes any impact.

Dear that-girl-next-door:

Your sister is married to a man who is 24 years older than her and has been in a relationship with him since she was 19. At one point not long ago, she may have had an affair with a man who was your friend. Her husband was angry at the man, wishing him to “F off and die” and that is what really happened, your friend died of a heart attack. You grieved the loss of your friend and were angry at your sister’s husband for wishing he was dead.

You told your sister at one point that she and your friend would have made a nice couple. Did you hope that she would leave her husband and get together with your friend?

anita

I know the answer is to let some time pass, but its hard

What is harder is to have your sister be so angry at you without you giving her space and time to calm down.

Take care,

Mark

Dear that-girl-next-door:

Having re-read the posts on your thread it strikes me as interesting how little you know your sister, which is not uncommon. We know how our siblings look like, sound like, their mannerisms, their favorite color and food, the major events in their lives, but not deeper things. Reads to me that you don’t know what motivates your sister, what she values, what troubles her, what is the nature of her relationship with her now husband, and so forth.

Reads to me that she is the dominant one in her relationship/  marriage, that her husband is  submissive to her, the passive one. Maybe she was the Angry girlfriend, now she is the Angry wife and the “Angry sister” as well. I wonder what she is angry about, really.

anita

Dear that-girl-next-door:

You are welcome. I see that you do know something about your sister’s motivations, one being her motivation to not be alone, another to not lead to her husband’s suicide, something he threatened to do. I was wrong in my suggestion that you don’t know what motivates her (“Reads to me that you don’t know what motivates your sister”), it was an all-or-nothing statement, suggesting you don’t know of any of her motivations. An all-or-nothing statement is most often… incorrect.

If I remember correctly, you got married at 19, or had your only son at 19, from your previous thread, the same age as your sister getting into her long term relationship, at 19. I am sure there are “multiple layers to this story”. I like multiple layers to stories, peeling them off one by one, figuring things out.

anita

Dear that-girl-next-door:

Congratulations! What good news! I don’t know you yet I am glad for you. You certainly tried hard and persevered.

My former therapist introduced me to EAR, it stands for Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect- the three things that make relationships healthy, a win-win for both parties. I wish you an EAR relationship with your sister and with all the people in your personal life.

anita