Anita,

I hope you are having a nice Friday and ready for the weekend.  The kids and I have lots of activities coming up. Pep Rally this evening and football game in the am.  Ella is cheering and Aiden is playing football.  Next Sunday I am taking them to a show next Sunday.  Kind of like a Circus show with no animals, more pirates and mermaids.  As time is going by I feel better with I’m with my kids maybe  more than before-less stressed out I would say- In the last month or so I feel very protective of myself, more than usual.  I don’t feel that I relate to many people.  Again when I talk sometimes I think that other people know I’m different; that I have a mental illness.  From an outside perspective this is wrong.  But in my head these are my thoughts.

I don’t know if you could notice but I would say within the last month I was having a down cycle.  I believe it was one of the bad ones that usually only happens once a year maybe. I believe they are triggered by stress.  2 weeks ago I started making impulsive decisions-I discussed texting and not making sense; seeming off and weird.  I was doing well at work and with the kids but I was not motivated and got a little behind.  I got into a text argument with my ex that doesn’t usually take place anymore.  My best friend could tell-he stated that I was being odd the past week or so.  that I seemed fixated on being lonely and continuing to message with the guy from the lake house.  Looking back I felt dull, bored, and wanted to something exciting to do-like get a tattoo, (in the past get on a dating website) etc.

While I am able to see clearly my behaviors (yesterday and today much better) this is not good for myself esteem.  It continues to be very negative and I know the consequences of low self-esteem.  At this point I want to hide from people to a certain extent, no talk much.

I can tell you with certainty that I am love and attention deprived.

Lindsey

Anita,

Hope you slept well over the weekend.  I thinks that’s not the first time you have mentioned that.

I do believe you are right about thinking that I’m an oddity, maybe I make things a bigger deal than they are.  I do think I was struggling for a week or 2. However, that could be hormones as that time of the month is soon.  I do experience times when I’m more impulsive but again maybe it’s not as bad as I think.

I feel like I took a another step up on my healing climb with my ex.  I’m starting to see more clearly not to take their comments personal.

“S” reached out last night via social media.  I blocked him.

Lindsey

Anita,

He did not make a significant difference in my life.  The experience of being in a relationship with him (if you can call it that) made a big difference in my life.   it showed me that 1. I can do better. 2. I’m not ready to date. I need to work on me for awhile. 3. I’ve got to be able to see red flags and move on.

I don’t honestly feel like contacting him.  He really effected my mental health and my anxiety.  Seeing his name on social media first made me upset that he reached out and second I thought there is no way i’m going through that crap again.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’m not sure if you have seen the 80’s movie the Never Ending story, but I feel like the boy in the movie.  He has this flying pet dog? that takes him on parts of his journey.  Anyway he goes through a dangerous swamp (that’s all I remember) and other places to reach a princess.  The princess saves the land and he has to rescue her.  I’m on this journey and I have a long way to go.  I don’t think I’m drowning in the swamp (got past the crappy boyfriend/anxiety trap) but I might still be in the swamp.  It’s not promising.

Do you think someone like me who uses men/relationship to forget other issues over time creates an addiction?   Like my brain is wired for anxiety and it wants more and more (addiction) too.

It was really hard the first week or two getting over my  break up with “S” but after that it started to get easier.  Some days (like today) are harder than others.  Especially during work hours.  i start to want to reach out to him.  I just kind of try and get through the feeling.  Most of the time it’s like I just forget.

It’s pretty lonely now. How do you just get self-esteem and self worth enough to not have anxiety in a relationship? I ordered books on Amazon but can you help with how this works?  I also have a lot of issues with my body. I’ve never really talked about it.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’m sitting here looking at my computer on about 4 hours of sleep and I don’t know where to begin regarding what happened yesterday after our  last convo around 2pm. I really wanted to call in to work today but I don’t really think that’s the best idea. I’ll just be behind on my work and that’s another thing I don’t feel like stressing out about.

So I pick up the kids around 4:15 from aftercare at school. My ex picks them up around 4:40 from my house because Ella has cheerleading practice and Aiden has football practice.  Ella missed a Thursday 2 weeks ago because she didn’t want to go.  She was very upset so my ex didn’t take her but was very frustrated. So yesterday she started crying again saying she didn’t want to go.  I told her she needed to go but was also frustrated in general because I work until 6 and I really didn’t have time to fight with her about it. I told my ex ahead of time that she was not wanting to go again.

Somehow this turned into him yelling at me in front of my house and her outside crying.  I do remember saying some mean things to him too before everything escalated. I was trying to get her to get in the car and had her shoes in my hand. He said he was calling the police. So I came inside and told her that so that she would get in the car.   She was refusing and crying and came outside telling her dad not to call the police. He continued to yell at me.  I was trying to get them both to stop.  He was out of control yelling as he was driving away.  My son was in the backseat the entire time.  My neighbor came outside and I am still so embarrassed.  I think other neighbors heard.  He then attacked me verbally saying it was all my fault via text.  He said I was doing this on purpose because Ella does not act like this at home. He’s continued to send emails stating I manipulate Ella, etc just about my character.  I had that circus planned for Sunday and he stated the kids are not going.

I am so upset.  I have no idea what to do. I feel like I am being harassed.  I feel mentally exhausted. I am calling an attorney today.  I feel there is no hope.  I have to deal with him until the kids are 18. I do not see things improving as the years go by.

Lindsey

Anita,

I just looked up the information online for my county and I’m going to call.  thank you for the advice I will keep you posted.

Lindsey

Anita,

Spoke to an intake worker and then a court Advocate. Here’s the thing.  My ex said a lot of hateful things via text message to me over time. But I reacted to the messages. I said bad things to him.  I don’t have a full list of texting going back and forth but I bet he will have them. For this order of protection to happen I have to document everything in a report and we would go before a judge and  have a hearing. I would have to testify.  there is no telling what my ex will say.  I’m worried he could make me look just like him.  I’ll look like a fool to the judge.  It will be an emotional gamble I don’t want to go through.

If I don’t go that route I would hire an attorney and they would set up a guideline report with everything so it’s just about schedules/kids etc.  There will have boundaries and it will be filed with our divorce paperwork.

I’m very tired and I want to go to bed.  The intake worker gave me home but not the court appointed advocate.  This is not going well. I just want him to be accountable for his actions.  I feel like participating in the ugliness with him makes me look just as ugly. It’s been impossible to not react and ignore his words.  My reactions and ignoring him care inconsistent.  30% better than last year at this time maybe.

Lindsey

Anita,

I’m not sure where to start.  What is it called when you feel backed up against a wall?  Numb and staring into space.  Not able to deal with what’s going on?

My ex never let my children and I go to the circus on Sunday. I basically begged on Saturday at the football game.  I have a referral for a female attorney and I am calling today.  It’s not going to be fun seeing my savings take a hit.

I had a 3 day weekend with no specific plans. the only thing I am proud of is that I never reached out to S.  And I thought about it more than once.  I just cleaned, took afternoon naps, bought a really good book.  Peacefull/lonely.

There is something wrong with my ex and his girlfriend A. I had coffee yesterday with her ex-husband’s wife. We are becoming really good friends.  There was so much I learned about A. One thing is that she slept with all the attorneys at her job. She is a paralegal.  Everything they critisize me for they do.  I’m confused with them. I don’t understand them. But I know I can no longer deal with their attacks. They are vultures.  I’m going to make sure there is never direct communication-going to use a 3rd party for everything.  Make sure there is lots of space at events.

I feel attacked and isolated.  My mom texted me yesterday asking if I still had my wedding ring so she could make a necklace with the diamonds.  I got a little upset.

It’s one thing after another.  I am not feeling my best.  Because it is too much for me part of my brain has shut down.

Lindsey