Anita,

She is strict in the sense that the kids make their own breakfast,  not allowed to get up or exit their rooms in the morning until a certain time.  Bedtime 8:30 even on weekends and holidays, Only allowed 30 minutes of electronics a day, sit straight up at the table during meals, don’t slouch. Do everything themselves…I can’t remember more.  She threw? tossed a plate across the kitchen counter when Ella went to give the plate to her at the sink.  Ella is a challenging child and the 2 of them butt heads.  My parents found her intense when they met her once at Aiden’s baseball tournament.  They stated she seemed very insecure but covered it up by acting and saying things about women should be independent.  My dad told me he thinks there is not something right with her but he wasn’t sure what it was.

After I had Ella and she was 3 months old, I got up in the middle of the night.  My ex came in the room and I said something rude and he got beside me and raised his fist as to hit me.  After that it became “I hope you die, go kill yourself, go jump off a cliff, shup the F*** up, your a bitch, etc.”  Crowding my space when I walked by, rushing up to me (Aiden was 3 months old one of the times and I was holding him. )  Pointing his finger and jabbing it at my chest.  Extremely jealousy, going through my phone, going through my things, asking me who I was meeting up with when I got dressed up, accusing me of going to met someone when I walked the dogs.. Putting his hands on my once by hitting me extremely hard on the top of my legs/butt during an argument when I was bent over throwing away trash.

He knew I didn’t like sex with him because I would make excuses a lot.  It was more coersive sex versus sexual abuse definitely. He would yell I know you don’t like it why not, who are you sleeping with, I can’t get ha** because you are not interested.  You won’t kiss me or touch me why not?  He would sit on the side of the bed and sometimes I would get up and he would follow me around saying things about sex.

Lindsey

Anita,

I have a really good male friend-he’s way younger-who has pretty much stuck with me when I had some serious issues last year that I’ve improved upon, especially with panic attacks and reactivity.  He cares about my well being, almost like a brother.  There is nothing there beside friendship.  He has always given advice regarding men’s behavior and has always been right. Although I haven’t taken his advice with the last 2 men I’ve dated in the past year. I’m taking his advice now.

I am worried that I will not be able to have a healthy relationship with a man anytime in the future.  While right now I am taking a break for an unknown period of time and going to a counselor, I’ve read up on the internet ways to not have anxiety while dating and I can tell you now none of those things work.  I have confirmed with my friend that I always pick men that are not good for me, ignore red flags, start to have anxiety and worry when they pull away-which is what happened with the last 2 relationships.  I then in my opinion- probably start to seem a little too nice or needy? I’m not even sure how I act.

I do not know how to pick someone that will be good for me and healthy.  I have not idea how I can change these habits.  I know it’s all about self-love and self-worth.  I can tell you I have none of these.  I don’t really see these issues improving by repeating how good of a person I am or reading self help book.  My neighbor asked me out last week and I told him no but that we can be friends as I’m taking a break from dating.  I’ve probably known him for about 2 years.  I’ve noticed that my texting seems odd and all over the place.  I was being weird. There’s no doubt about it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me but it feels like some things are getting worse not better.

Lindsey

Anita,

I will definitely do that I think it’s a good idea.  The neighbor may never text back.  I sounded like a weirdo.  But other texts I will too.

Lindsey

Anita,

I wish I would I would not have deleted the text chain.  I would definitely have sent it too you.  I kept reading and was like I have to get rid of this I’m embarrassing myself by reading.  I do think that I interpret things negatively when it’s just a normal text.

I was feeling very lonely this morning and it’s kind of still there but getting better.  I’m not sure where this loneness comes from.  I’m embarrassed to say this but I feel like I need attention from a man to feel better.  It can just be texting it doesn’t have to be meeting up with someone.  I’m not sure why.

Lindsey

Anita,

Why do we do the same things over and over again if there are not positive results?  Why do I engage with my ex knowing the outcome?  Why do I ignore red flags?  (my brain sees it. I say wow that’s not good) but I keep going in the same direction.  Like the red flag is dirt I’m sweeping up and throwing away.  Almost like continuing to swim in a lake full of alligators.  Then I don’t think about it anymore.   I have had for some reason a rough 2 days.  To be honest I know that I cannot be in any relationship I think for a long time.  It’s like smelling something that gave you food posioning so you stay away.  I believe from reading my posts that my fixation with the 2 men really show my disease.  Why do I feel like I talk about this stuff over and over.  Partially because I want a resolution that’s not there. Partially because I want some type of explanation for their behavior.

I just want explanations for why these things happen to me.  I’m the cause and I don’t like it.

On the bright side it is my son’s 8th birthday today.  we are going to do something fun after school and go to dinner.

Lindsey

Anita,

So basically doing the same behaviors over and over again hoping for a different result-different behaviors from men.  Notice the theme of “men” and my mother.  Example, talking to her for advice or just a shoulder of comfort-same results.  Usually lack of empathy, suggesting a different behavior in a critical way, conditional support depending on her stress level.  Yet I still do it over and over again-

I am going to look into this more. My counseling session is this Saturday.  If you have any advice or suggestions for me I’m all ears.  His name is Aiden lol.

Lindsey

Anita,

I think I’m getting the hang of this being alone and working on myself.  I think what is happening for me is that I’m not having anxiety and hyper focused on that.  I’m able to relax in the evening and do some research on myself and reflect.

Do you think that we subconsciously push things or people away?  Like our brain knows something isn’t healthy and it tells your brain how to behave so that person goes away?  There is a man that I speak with-he’s the one that invited me to the lake house-and while I am not interested in dating him, I talk to him (for attention I think-not attractive).  So the other evening I started asking him personal questions about his childhood and to be honest one statement that was just weird lol.  Like I couldn’t really explain what I was trying to say to him.  I believe this was off putting to him.  Especially since he’s not interested.  This is really a good thing that he has not messaged since.

Also a very weird situation happened this past Friday.  It was Aiden’s baseball end of season party.  I got there and I brought my dog and it seemed like everyone was so excited to see him etc. My ex-husbands girlfriend was right there with another parent and my daughter.  “The ex girlfriend” told my daughter give your  mom your backpack so she can take it to the car. (their clothes were in the bag) and I said to her just wait let me set everything down. I had food, the dog etc in my hands. So after that I didn’t think much about it and was talking to the kids. Now-the back packs were sitting in a area with other bags about 1/2 a car length away.  After a few minutes the ex girlfriend says to me here’s Aiden’s back pack and walks over with it.  I look at her and say I saw the backpack over in the other area as I take it. She goes ok just making sure you knew and walked off. I don’t know how to explain her tone other than mocking.  As I write this I don’t know if the atmosphere of the situation comes across.  I know the other parent standing there picked up on her behavior.  So I walked over to the kids and sat there with them.  I looked over and all the parents were standing in a crowd laughing and talking with my ex and his girlfriend. So I just got up and left.  There is more but this is a long post.

Lindsey