Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Am I codependent? I feel awful
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August 10, 2021 at 9:04 am #384442
AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
“He told me he loved me and that was the end of the conversation“- you know how easy it is to say the words, it takes a few seconds and doesn’t burn a single calorie. I am not saying that I know what he was feeling when he said the words, but I do know how much time and effort it takes to utter the words. Therefore, no need to over-react to these words.
“He.. stated.. he would call Monday… He did not call on Monday“- it takes as much time and energy to say I-will-call-you-Monday as it is to say I-love-you, and as you can see his words didn’t result in the more time and energy demanding task of making a phone call.
“There is a lot I want to say. Mostly things I did not communicate about, issues I had, etc., when we were together“- I don’t think that he is available to listen to anything that you want to say. I do hope his daughter heals and that he is giving her all of this time and effort.
“There is a very short video.. I’m not sure to send it“- better you don’t and better you don’t initiate any communication with him.
“I feel mixed up. I hope you are not disappointed“- I am not disappointed and I believe that you are a good woman.. so no, not disappointed.
“I’m wondering why I have this anxiety about him not calling. It’s kind of unhealthy.. I mean we can’t really have a relationship anyway until he gets home in a few weeks“- that’s where your anxiety typically goes when it comes to men to whom you are emotionally attached: will he call/ when will he call/ should I call him, etc.
What about going to the pool, I remember you enjoyed it in the past, makes you detach from obsessive thinking..?
anita
August 10, 2021 at 9:30 am #384448
lindseyParticipantAnita,
I feel like I made a mistake. I’m back to the Tuesday after I broke up with him to an extent. Yes I went to the pool last weekend and this past weekend. I enjoy it and also doing things and being around my kids. But he just does not go away. I feel like I will go crazy waiting for him to call.
I believe you are right that he does not follow through with his actions. I do believe he means what he says from what has happened when we are together but for some reason-personality, laziness? it just doesn’t happen like it should with his actions. It really sucks for me that I cannot explain myself to him. I have all these thoughts and maybe I will write a letter.
I don’t understand why this happened and why I could not just ignore his texts. I feel like I cannot deal with this again. There is no way.
lindsey
August 10, 2021 at 9:50 am #384452AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
I suggest that you write him a letter/ message. Start with a long “Part One” (optional, only if you want to), where you express to him everything that you want to express, all of it.
Then under a much shorter “Part Two”- tell him that he said that he’ll call Monday, he didn’t, you resent that he didn’t keep his word. You’ve been obsessing about it ever since, and about whether he will be calling today (Tuesday). Tell him this obsessing is driving you crazy. Because (1) he didn’t keep his word, and (2) you can’t stop obsessing while still hoping that he’ll call-
– your only option is to once again end all contact with him. Ask him then to respect you and not initiate any message or phone call to you. Then wish his daughter full recovery and wish him well.
anita
August 10, 2021 at 10:14 am #384453lindseyParticipantAnita,
I am shaking. I don’t feel like I can do that but I don’t feel like I can continue
Lindsey
August 10, 2021 at 10:26 am #384455AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
It is tough for you right now, too bad. I wish you were able to be calm. Take a few breaths, take a little mental break, somehow. If sending him a message, at least the second part sounds like something that will calm you, do it.
anita
August 11, 2021 at 6:52 am #384506lindseyParticipantAnita,
Does my brain shut off during this situation with “S?” I cannot understand why I would put my self in a situation like this that is so unhealthy for me. I do not want to say he is a bad person but…he’s not good.
This is my fault really. I’m so worried about people noticing that I have mental health issues when they meet me and get to know me. I don’t think it’s about that. I think that my issues with self worth and self esteem make them wonder if I have issues.
I have got to get myself together. yesterday was just embarrassing and self destructive. I blocked him on all social media. I deleted his number but probably should have blocked it. Which I will when he decides to text. I have a really good male friend and so far he has been right about everything and I have not listened to him. “S” will reach out at some point. And when he does I will not answer and then block the number. My friend stated he reaches out to me because he has access and is making sure he still has access. He does have feelings but they are all on his terms and he is happy with the situation. He doesn’t care about my feelings or my happiness. This really does not read as a good person.
Lindsey
August 11, 2021 at 7:59 am #384510AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
“Does my brain shut off during this situation with ‘S?’“- our ability to make good choices for ourselves shuts off when we feel too anxious and too desperate. That’s why we should take a break between feeling too anxious and carrying on an action. First calm down, then choose what to do next.
“I’m so worried about people noticing that I have mental health issues… I think that my issues with self worth and self esteem make them wonder if I have issues“- Other people are worried about you noticing that they have mental health issues; they too are wondering if you are noticing that they have issues with self-worth and self-esteem.
“I blocked him on all social media. I deleted his number… ‘S’ will reach out at some point. And when he does I will not answer and then block the number“- this is your plan, it is a good plan for you, stick to it and you will be okay.
anita
August 13, 2021 at 10:09 am #384637lindseyParticipantAnita,
There is an obsessive component in a lot of my posts that I write to you. And it’s about men. My brain seems to got back and forth and around-erratic really when talking to you about them and my anxiety with their behavior. It is my brain not wanting to work on what I need- self love and self worth. I think because it’s easier? But what I go through with my anxiety is harder.
This man “S” is not a good man and has not treated me well at all. I sit back and I am embarrassed. I believe now that I have some significant trauma possibly from my marriage. I have not discussed in depth this trauma or how it has effected me. It’s troubling because it seems to be an every day battle with my thoughts. There is this short video on a social media app called Tic Toc about moving on. I listen to it a few times a day.
Why do I get side tracked when I have 2 great kids and a pretty amazing dog. Why do relationships and dating men who are unhealthy take over my life at different times? It’s almost like an addiction.
Lindsey
August 13, 2021 at 11:16 am #384639AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
“There is an obsessive component in a lot of my posts that I write to you. And it’s about men… This man ‘S’ is not a good man and has not treated me well at all. Why do I get side tracked when I have 2 great kids and a pretty amazing dog. Why do relationships and dating men who are unhealthy take over my life at different times? It’s almost like an addiction“-
– The obsession, I am guessing based on my life experience in general and on my communication with you, is probably about trying to change your mother who from one point on, was not a good mother and has not treated you well at all, to a good mother who will treat you well.
The addiction, is about trying to change this man and then the other man, and currently S- from not a good man who has not treated you well at all, to a good man who will treat you well.
Because your obsession and later addiction were established before you had two great kids and an amazing dog, the latter cannot undo the obsession and addiction. What do you think about my theory?
anita
August 13, 2021 at 1:29 pm #384652lindseyParticipantAnita,
I believe your theory is right with some additions.
I think the key to getting involved in these types of relationships is somehow I am picking up mixed signals from the beginning. And I am pulled towards that behavior because of my mother. I was pulled to “S” because of the attention he gave me in the beginning and how he was always complementing me, texting me good morning, sending love songs, etc. I loved the attention because I was loved deprived in my marriage. When he pulled away I got anxiety-kind of like my mother pulling away?
Yes, my good friend says I pick men as projects. I don’t know here. I would keep going back to my mom, sometimes rejections, sometimes not.
Lindsey
August 13, 2021 at 3:28 pm #384657AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Mothers are often very, very powerful figures in their daughters’ lives, far beyond childhood. What happened in your marriage was/is powerful, as far as what is driving the obsession/ addiction that we are discussing, but not as powerful as what happened between you and your mother, according to my understanding.
Although your descriptions of your ex are at times very troubling, almost as if he is a sadist- I never got a clear picture of him.. not clear enough.
anita
August 13, 2021 at 3:53 pm #384658lindseyParticipantAnita,
I can give a more clear picture of my ex husband. I think you may understand more. What are some of your questions?
I think he is might be more of my issue than my mother. Or at least 50%. It was very bad with him. When I close my eyes, things that happened are blurry unless I think of a very specific thing. It’s weird because if you were to say a word I would remember an incident.
Lindsey
August 13, 2021 at 3:57 pm #384659AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
Well, on one hand I thought of him as a good, involved father, on the other hand, he allows his girlfriend to yell at your children..??!!
What stands out most was him sexually harassing you, when you were married. I didn’t want to ask for details at the time, but what the hell was that about???
anita
August 15, 2021 at 7:04 am #384779lindseyParticipantAnita,
So my husband’s girlfriend “A” is very…intense and strict with the children. I have become friends with her ex-husband’s wife. A little complicated I know. The wife has had really bad interactions with “A.” There is some deep seated insecurities. My ex and she seem very much alike. I do not agree with how she treats my daughter. However, my kids both want to be there in the home. So for now I have to be ok with it because I really don’t have a choice. It is impossible to discuss with my ex her behavior-not surprising.
So I’m trying to remember the sexual issues with my ex as I write. I remember from the very beginning of the relationship not enjoying sex with him. I was not attracted to him. Why did I marry him then? I’m not sure. I can say part of the reason was I was taking an anti-depressant called Lexapro at the time. It caused me to be very tired all the time and foggy headed. Also getting married was easy and I found that he would never leave me based on his behavior. I didn’t have to work and I just did part time employment at animal shelters. Of course the sexual issue were ok until we had my daughter and he became abusive. The sex continued to be a chore throughout our marriage. He was very unhappy with the issue. Over time as the abuse continued and we went to counseling we have a scheduled night to have sex. there was no connection or enjoyment for me. Over time he would yell at me during or before sex because he could tell I did not enjoy it. Before kids there was an attempt at communication as to what I liked during sex and I tried to show him. It neve really worked as I got the impression he really was not interested in me enjoying sex, more the amount we had it. Thinking back I’m not sure he enjoyed it which is odd. It was almost like he pressed the issue so that he could control the situation? By the last 2 or 3 years, I started having sex with him because for 2 or 3 days after he was pleasant and did not verbally abuse me. Afterwards I would go in the bathroom and cry. I felt that I would turn off my brain during sex and that I was being used. It was extremely unpleasant for me during sex. It’s honestly hard to describe the feeling. To an extent I felt used? Then it got to a point where I refused to have sex because there was no respite in his behavior for 2-3 days like before.
I believe he may have cheated. During my pregnancy with my son I did not have sex with him because of the hormones due to my pregnancy made everything very painful down there.
Lindsey
August 15, 2021 at 9:00 am #384787AnonymousGuestDear Lindsey:
You are friends with your ex-husband’s current girlfriend’s ex-husband’s wife.. I imagine that the current wife of the ex-husband is not liking his ex-wife (who is now your ex-husband’s girlfriend). New wives often do not like ex-wives.
Your recent post does not make things clear to me, and that’s okay, I do not need specifics. Example: (1) “my husband’s girlfriend “A” is very…intense and strict with the children“- but how is she strict, in what ways, I don’t know (except that she yelled at them once, or her voice was loud..),
(2) “he became abusive“- how, in what ways, you didn’t say, (3) “Over time as the abuse continued“- again, what abuse, I don’t know.
The fact that you didn’t enjoy sex with him and that sex was “a chore throughout our marriage” in itself does not equal sexual abuse, particularly when the other party to the sexual interaction is not aware of how it feels to the other.
“Over time he would yell at me during or before sex because he could tell I did not enjoy it“- what did he say when he yelled?
“I felt that I would turn off my brain during sex and that I was being used. It was extremely unpleasant for me during sex. It’s honestly hard to describe the feeling“- that’s a terrible experience. If he knew that you felt this way (did he???) then it was cruel of him to go about doing what was extremely unpleasant to you!
anita
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