Dear Lindsey:

My weekend was fine, got to see the ocean from a distance. Glad to read that your holiday weekend was great! But not glad to read that the counseling session failed. For it to have succeeded, the counselor, right at the beginning of the session, should have established rules of interactions between you and the ex, so to prevent the emotional escalation that took place. Did he?

The session failed and the counselor himself stated that you and your ex can see him individually, not together. So, either it is impossible for you and the ex to communicate peacefully and effectively, or this counselor didn’t do his job well.

Following the failed, disappointing session, all you needed was a hug and a non-sexual emotional support, but Jason sent you a text sexual in nature. I am guessing that he wasn’t aware of what you needed at the time.

“I have issues with sex only being about sex. Why can’t it be more when you really like someone? Can’t that be shown?” – but it IS more, and the-more IS showing: (1) you started your post with “Jason and I went on a bike ride, movies etc all weekend. Very fun and relaxing- just great all around”- this is a long weekend with lots of stuff besides sex!

(2) he was attentive and took his time talking with you on the phone (reads like it was a long conversation), he wanted to know what you meant previously in a text, wanting to know what you think and feel- that’s a lot more than sex! He did what it took during this phone conversation so that it ended on a good note.

You ended your post pessimistically: “who is ready to really settle down and move forward seriously?” – he may want to settle down with you: he really likes you and he is invested in the relationship with you! I think that it’s just that you are feeling down about the disappointing session, so you don’t appreciate the good about Jason and the relationship right now, that is all.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Since your ex and your mother bring out anxiety in you- stay away from them as much as possible. And employ a few relaxation techniques every day, make a routine of it.

Regarding the love/sex topic with Jason, doesn’t he tell you sometimes that he likes you a lot? Or is it that you want him to tell you that he likes you a lot at the same time that he is sexually stimulated by you?

Regarding “Lindsey does not have a happily ever after” – no one does, this is why heaven was invented: an imaginary happily ever after. But you have a good thing with Jason, a bit of a happily-ever-after today, a bit tomorrow.. and maybe for many years.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

About #1, not feeling happy with yourself and “not being able to live in the moment and enjoy.. a stable happy relationship”, I don’t know if we talked about Anxious Attachment Style, which is your style in relationships. Did we?

Here is a quote from a website (Life advancer. com/ Anxious Attachment Style) that confirms that indeed, if you suffer from an anxious attachment style, you are not happy with yourself or with the relationship:  “Adults with an anxious attachment style typically view their life in a negative way. They experience more negative emotions, they think more negative thoughts and they react in a more negative way. Naturally, this has a knock-on effect on their relationships.  They are more likely to dismiss positive experiences, instead, they will focus on what has gone wrong”.

Here are some of the signs listed: “Needs constant reassurance that they are loved, Feels insecure within the relationship, Is always worried that they are going to be rejected, Constantly preoccupied with the relationship… Spends a lot of time worrying about what the other person wants… Takes offense at the slightest little thing and blows it out of proportion, Takes the partner’s behavior too personally.. They’ll quickly change from feeling strongly in love to craving independence”-

– you fit all these, don’t you?

Because so many people suffer from this attachment style (due to problematic childhoods), there are whole books on the topic: “Anxious Attachment: Coping Strategies to Deal with Anxiety, Insecurity, Fear of Abandonment and Reconnect with Your Partner”, published in 2022, as well as other books: “Anxious Attachment: Don’t Let Anxiety Sabotage Your Relationship”,  “Anxiety in Relationships”, and more.

In the beginning of the relationship, “Jason was not 100% honest”- if he is honest overall and wasn’t in regard to a trivial matter early on, and you are focusing on that… well, that fits one of the ways of thinking of an anxiously attached person.

“He tends to  live in the moment and I also think about the future” – maybe he does not suffer from an anxious attachment style and therefore can live in the moment. Anxious people skip to the future and worry.

“he has gone overboard with affection and it is embarrassing. I know that this is positive behaviors” – but you react to it as if it’s negative, which is congruent with the anxious attachment style.

anita

Anita,

I feel that I am at a cross road as to continue this relationship.

Lindsey

* I submitted the above before I read your one liner right above, so the answer is yes, isn’t it?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I am all for you doing what’s right for you and if ending the relationship with Jason is what’s right for you- then I am all for it. Question is, let’s say you end it today, how long will it be before you get anxious about having ended it and then text him or call him wanting him back… on his terms (enjoying things as they are, not planning a future together)?

Another question: I re-read about your conversation with him yesterday, some of it you didn’t rememer: did the two of you ever discuss at length his attitude toward the relationship (enjoy it as is) vs yours (plan for a future together)?

anita

Anita,

I don’t know what to do.  I feel that him not saying anything about the future is not good.

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

If I was you, I would try to not take his attitude about the future personally, meaning: no matter what woman appeared in his life (unless perhaps she was very rich, and if he married her it would mean that he would become very rich- money is a big motivator in our world, as you know)- he would have the same attitude that he has now: enjoying the moment and not thinking and planning for the future. And so, his attitude is not about who you are personally, it does not indicate that you are not good enough.

He told you that he likes you but is not in love. I submitted a post about the nature of falling in love earlier this week, on another thread (I can point it to you if you want). What I shared there was that for a woman who was abandoned as a child, or made to feel unwanted and not special, when she senses (as a woman), that a man whom she values, wants her and thinks she is special, she falls deeply in love: the nature of that in-love experience is the euphoria of FINALLY being wanted, FINALLY feeling special, something she wanted ever since she was a child.

On the other hand, if a girl (or a boy, which might be the case with Jason) grows up feeling special enough, and wanted and being positively attended to, her falling in love experience is different, it doesn’t have that desperation in the first case, it does not feel that intense.

Maybe Jason is in love with you, just not in that intensely-desperate way.

anita