Anita,

Hope you had a good holiday weekend!  Jason and I went on a bike ride, movies, food etc all weekend. Very fun and relaxing-just great all around.

This morning at 11 (it’s 1:44pm now) we had our counseling session between my ex and I and the counselor. The beginning went well but then it went downhill when I mentioned that co-parenting should just be between of 2 of us and that there is a boundary issue with his finance Amy.  Things exccalated at that point. I mentioned her moving in at 3 months and the issues with Ella and Amy. He started lying about things to the point where I got really upset. At that point it was time for the counselor to speak with the kids. I said that I do not think a meeting like this should happen again. The counselor stated that we can individually do checks in’s with him.

In the beginning I made sure to focus on the kids with my purpose of counseling to make sure they are emotionally happy and healthy moving forward. I stated that I am only in control of what I do.

Then I was feeling very down and got a message from Jason that was sexual in nature. At that point I felt disappointed because I just need a hug and emotional support. We texted a few lines and I sent him a text saying “is there an emotional component with sex for you as well?”

We needed up talking on the phone.  I told him that although this is a bit irrational (which we both agreed is classic anxiety with the focus to be on the here and now) I have had thoughts that in 6 months, a year, whenever that if I say something about having us each met the kids he will say  “umm no I like where things are at now. ” There was additional talk but I can’t remember half of it. At one point he questioned what exactly I meant by emotional component. Apparently he may have questioned or just wanted to clear up if it meant love but I was like “uh NO” and we got on the same page then.  I spoke about the counseling session and how it went. I said that I worry that in the end he will not want to deal with my issues and will just get sick of it. He disagreed- then said he has only been divorced for a few weeks- which I said Exactly- that is part of my worry I have been divorced over 2 years and I am at a slightly different point in my life.

We ended things on a good note.  However, I can tell you that this is adding to my overall stress especially dealing with my ex which Jason and I touched on.  Although people have anxiety sometimes they are right. I know your response would be that wait and see what happens in the future.

That is definitely all anyone can do.  But I have issues with sex only being about sex. Why can’t it be more when you really like someone? Can’t that be shown? and I am telling you that I do not think he will want to move forward in say 6 months. He has only been divorced 6 months and who is ready to really settle down and move forward seriously?

Lindsey

Anita,

I agree with what you are saying. My brain was on fire when I left the appointment and my ex (and my mom) tend to bring out anxiety and abandonment issues. (prior PTSD resurfacing?)

I meant why can’t emotionally “i like you a lot” be included emotionally in the bedroom.  Isn’t there an in-between? Not the “I love you sex?”  When do you realize your feelings have gone from Like to Love and how can you share this with a partner especially when they do not have those feelings?

Everything is going very well with him and the relationship is moving forward as far as enjoying each other’s company each time we see each other more and more. The anxiety brings these pessimistic and irrational thoughts of when it comes down to it- “I’m not good enough” I said to him “Lindsey does not have a happily ever after.  It just doesn’t happen with me.”

Lindsey

Anita,

I hear what you are saying and I think that you are correct regarding having a good think with Jason currently.

As I started my day this morning this is what my thoughts/feelings are that I am trying to process.

#1 I do not feel happy with myself or  my thoughts of not being able to live in the moment and enjoy what I have in my life including a stable and happy relationship.

#2 I have been divorced over 2 years and all together including separation it would be since 2018.  Jason was not 100% honest or what ever you want to phrase it when we first started dating. While he and his ex were in divorce proceedings for the past 2 years she was living in the home and moved out 6 months prior to us starting to see each other.

#3 like he said he has only been officially divorced since a few weeks ago.  He tends to live in the moment and I also think about the future. For me and my personality I would not continue to be with someone unless I felt there was serious potential. Because to be 100% honest I believe that I am in the middle of 1-like   2- falling hard  and 3 in love.  I interpreted our conversation that none of that is on his radar.  I think about introducing him to the kids within a few months.

#4 since yesterday I feel that he has gone overboard with affection and it is embarassing.  I know that this is positive behaviors.

I feel that I had to “pull teeth” to get him to even post a picture on social media.

Lindsey

Anita,

We have spoken about Anxious Attachment style and it does fit 100% for me.  I have studied the style and actually listened to podcasts, mediations, and short reviews of books.  The issue is that studying this style does nothing for me personally to improve my attachment style.  Unfortunately I continue with the same behaviors and in the end nothing ends well for me with relationships.  In the past I have picked men that were beneath me- they did not treat me well at all and there was a pattern.- The negative emotions I feel that are irrational make an impact on my overall mental health and functioning. I have 2 children. I am a single parent and must keep functioning in the best manner I can.

I feel very certain while this may also be irrational that I will reach a point in the near future if things continue that I will want to  move in a more serious direction and he will not feel the same.  I am not 100% certain if that has to do with my attachment style; more of an overall impression in the past 6 months. My opinion is that we are at different stages in our lives relationship wise.  While my problem is not living in the present in my opinion people do need to think about the future to avoid putting themselves in situations that will hurt them in the end.

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

Are you.. kind of preparing yourself to end the relationship with Jason, sooner than later, so to stop the anxiety: to be Single and Peaceful vs In a relationship and Anxious?

anita

Anita,

Yes I am at the cross road to do that sooner rather than later.  I am not sure what to do because I do really enjoy what we have right now.  I cannot stop thinking and worrying about the future and live in the moment.

We are at different stages in our lives currently divorce wise and our mindset for a serious future relationship in my opinion. I do not like sharing my feelings and get the impression that what I may and probably will want is not even on his radar.

He has been messaging and at this point I am not responding. I feel that I just cannot deal with this anxiety and do not have the energy to deal with it also.

Lindsey

Anita,

I hear what you are saying that is why I have not done anything.

There were not specific plans made for the future at all. We cleared up that currently we are not in love- the relationship is not at that level. Basically he said that he would not do all of the activities with me and not treat me the way he does it that was not true that he did not like me

I feel like he is missing my point. His theme is live in the now- he has not idea what he will want in the future.

Lindsey

Anita,

Maybe I should not change anything and keep moving forward. I do not think I will get the answers I am looking for. There are no answers about the future.

I am forgetting if I want how serious I want to take things in the future.  For me it will take time to really move forward. I think that I am disappointed that he did not say he felt really serious about me- reassurance needed?

Lindsey