Anita

i haven’t responded to his messages.

I think my main concern is if you are with someone at 6 months and they have given no hints or indication that things are going nowhere- basically someone to waste time with you that is a problem for me.
I would want to know that upfront. I don’t really understand to a certain point his story- it becomes obvious when something is going to stay stagnant. I’m not the type of person to just date someone for a year.
Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

Earlier today, you wrote that you were very happy with the relationship. A few hours later, you are not. I think that you need a good night sleep. Give your brain the break that it needs. Tomorrow, write down what you want from this relationship, your goals, your objectives, and take it from there.  Okay?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You are welcome.

“My goals: improve the anxiety/abandonment attachment that I have (not sure how to do that- you can only talk and get support from your partner to a limited degree)” – best way to do it would be in quality psychotherapy. I wonder if a low-cost quality therapy is available to you.

If you could talk about your anxiety regarding your real-life experience of being abandoned by your mother, kicked out of the house, if I remember correctly, and about her not being there for you otherwise; if you could talk about it in therapy, and feel how you felt then… and cry, express how it felt then, when the events were fresh and most painful, it can free you from some of the anxiety you currently feel in regard to being abandoned by Jason.

You are welcome to share about it here on your thread (with emphasis on how you felt back then) if it helps, or privately in a journaling exercise, your choice.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“Basically, there is a continuing theme of abandonment with past relationships. So, in my eyes maybe I should not date anyone if I am going to go through this every time” – but if you end the relationship with Jason, how soon will you feel terribly lonely and regret it and call him to resume the relationship?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

So better not break up with him. The solution to your distress is learning emotion regulation.

Positive psychology. com: “People who are struggling with emotional dysregulation react to relatively mild negative events in an emotionally exaggerated manner”. In my post yesterday, I wrote that you tend to overreact emotionally, it means that you suffer from emotional dysregulation, the inability to bring down distressing emotions (so they remain intense for too long).

There are unhealthy ways to regulate emotions: shooting heroin is one unhealthy way, another is ending a good relationship (which you are considering doing). There are healthy ways to regulate emotions such as self-care and the practice of Mindfulness. The website I mentioned has worksheet on emotion regulation. There are other online sources on the topic, and books and workbooks. From a quick search, here are a few books and workbooks: “Emotion regulation in psychotherapy”, ‘Master your emotions”, “the road to calm workbook”, “Your emotions and you, Workbook”, and more.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You are welcome. I can totally understand why Jason is not ready to talk about his future with you, being that his past with his ex is not yet concluded: she signed divorce papers only yesterday or so, after 2 years of being unable to agree, and the signed paper still needs to be brought to court and processed. I’d definitely wait for some time to pass between his actual, legal divorce, when that happens, and talking about a future with you.

“I am debating if I should ask him to check in more message wise during the 7 days apart.  I have noticed the more I initiate messages the more he messages back.  I just do not want to seem too needy.  However, these are things I feel like I need from the relationship and him to feel better” – I think that it is fair that you ask him to check in more often. The two of you can talk and agree on how often to message/ talk and at what times, so that the relationship works for you and for him.

About separation anxiety in adults:

“My anxiety increases during the 7 days I do not see Jason in person” – it occurred to me that you fit what Healthline/ separation anxiety in adults, says: “People with adult separation anxiety disorder experience high levels of anxiety, and sometimes even panic attacks, when loved ones are out of reach… Adult separation anxiety can have an onset in childhood or adulthood. Similar to other anxiety disorders, adult separation anxiety can affect your quality of life, but the condition can be managed with treatment”.

Wikihow/ how to manage adult separation anxiety disorder (ASAD): “Method 1, learning about ASAD 1. Learn about the symptoms of ASAD...  such as: Being excessively ‘clingy’… Extreme anxiousness and distress when you are away from your loved ones… 2. Join a support group. Joining a support group will allow you to interact with others who are experiencing the same thing as you… 3. Consider talking to a therapist….

Method 2, Banishing negative thoughts 1. Identify your negative thoughts:…When you are away from your loved one, take note of any negative thoughts, assumptions, and beliefs that come into your head. Write them down or express them to someone like a therapist or close friend. Knowing what kind of negative thoughts (to) expect can help you manage them. Keeping a daily journal can help you get in the habit of recording your thoughts and feelings.

2. Replace negative thoughts with positive ones: When you have identified these negative thoughts, replace them with positive ones or disprove the beliefs that you feel…  For example, if your loved one leaves and you think ‘I may never see her again,’ replace that negative thought with a positive one, such as, ‘I will see her when she gets home from work. We will eat dinner together and watch a movie.’ Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a treatment plan for depression and/or anxiety that may help you replace negative thoughts with positive ones…

3. Distract yourself from your negative thoughts.: When you begin to feel anxious and start thinking negative thoughts, you will only feel more anxious. To keep yourself from dwelling on negative thoughts, distract yourself by: Engaging in an activity like a hobby you enjoy, focusing on completing work or household chores, taking a walk or exercise, visiting a place you enjoy, such as a museum or the movies

Method 3, Trying coping techniques for relaxation: 1. Practice breathing techniques to help calm yourself… Try meditating… Use visualization techniques to relax.

anita

• This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by .

Dear Lindsey:

“I do attempt to apply some of these aids but not all of them. It does not seem to help but maybe the more I do the activities my brain chemicals may start to catch on” –

– like the saying goes (originally an AA saying): it works if you work it, notice the “if”.

Another saying: Do or do not, there is no try (Yoda), so don’t “attempt to apply some of these”, instead, apply some of these, apply what you choose to apply, but do so religiously, committedly, every day… and they will work for you!

“I am not ready to talk about a future with him yet either.  In my opinion I do not know him well enough to make a decision of him meeting the kids, etc… 4 1/2 months of dating is not a long time period” – this is the reasonable and wise Lindsey!

“I think we are both very happy with our current situation.  He shared that one of his check marks for getting very serious is actually being divorced on paper- which makes sense” – like you said before, this really is a healthy relationship!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“It’s no problem” is a fine response, it’s good enough. I figure you feel that you needed a longer, more reassuring response, but remember, he is not your therapist, and he is probably busy, plus, busy or not, if he sent you a long reply, it wouldn’t satisfy you for long, because the nature of anxiety is that… it is not satisfied for long. So, there really is no point in long messages. See my point?

anita