Dear Lindsey:

I figured my vacation confusion (see my ooops post right before your most recent). I think that you are entitled to the information regarding what’s going on with his ex-wife (are they divorced or legally separated)? He should tell you what’s going on!

(I will be away from the computer for a few hours).

anita

Dear Lindsey:

What I read about his divorce reminds me of the movie The War of The Roses, did you watch it? I don’t know who of the 2 of them admits to wrongdoing or not, but the reason for the acrimony between them could be just greed, or mostly greed: each of them wants more money and more material things.

“Many people feel that pot is not a drug.  I think it is-but so is Xanax, alcohol, etc.” – pot is a mood-altering drug, and so is Xanax and alcohol and coffee. There is a mood-altering drug in chocolate (cocoa), in small amounts.

Some mood-altering drugs are natural (ex., pot, morphine), others are partly synthetic (ex., heroin) or fully synthetic (ex., fentanyl). The idea behind psychiatric mood-altering drugs being preferrable to illegal mood-altering drugs is that you can count on the fact that each tablet of prescribed 1 mg of Xanax contains exactly 1 mg of the drug, and no other drug. On the other hand, the manufacturing of illegal drugs is not regulated, and you don’t know how much of a particular drug is in a certain weight or volume, or if there is an extra drug added to it. I read that 100,306 people in the US died from overdose April 2020 – April 2021 (CDC), many of them involved fentanyl.

“I think I am making a big deal about little things sometimes.  I tell myself his bad mood as nothing to do with me and it does not” – you tend to catastrophize, we talked about it. His divorce sounds messy, that’s probably what’s behind his bad mood.

“He mentioned maybe getting together over the weekend b/c we will not see each other for about 2 weeks” – why won’t you see each other for two weeks?

“My brain is kind of beat but I will have the weekend to myself” – I wonder if watching The War of the Roses this weekend, with him or without him, is a good idea… maybe it is too intense, particularly for him… but maybe it will make him feel better, I don’t know.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Looks like your mood improved because he messaged you about 15 minutes ago. I don’t remember Fun Houses… not sure. Happy Friday to you and let me know later if he watches the movie!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

I woke up to a severe sounding windstorm and rain this Monday morning, but now it is strangely quiet, the trees are still, nothing moves. Talking about things moving, there is a movement in your emotions, a wanting more: more of him in your life, more commitment (maybe living together, maybe getting married…?).

This development is on one hand natural, because you “always have fun together”, and wanting more fun is natural; on the other hand, this development is sometimes, maybe often, a turning point in a fun relationship because one partner starts pressuring the other to commit, and following ongoing stress, the once-fun relationship languishes in un-fun and anger before it ends.

Think of your relationship as a chocolate cake, wanting more and more can lead to the cake … being gone!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“Our relationship is right on track where it should be.  I mean this isn’t love yet but based on things getting better and better who knows?” – I like your attitude!

“Maybe it is because I will not see him this weekend and I am confusing ‘more’ with missing him?” – yes, I think so, it makes sense to me.

“I am not at a point where I would think about introducing him to my children and he feels the same. We have discussed in the past the 6-12 months mark before introducing kids into the mix… I would not have someone move in until my kids are teenagers or out of the home” – it feels good to read about responsible parenting, how refreshing, my hat is off to the two of you!!

“I do not think I would remarry. I do consider at this point in my life having a life partner/companion” – reads like an independent Lindsey, an Independent Codependent (the latter is in the title of your thread, a word you chose in July 2021). I think that you are way less codependent than you used to be!

“To be honest I feel a little alarmed in general” – this is Anxious Lindsey, but even with anxiety you made progress, it’s just that it takes a long, long time to make a bit of progress, it takes persistence and lots of patience to become a Less and Less Anxious Lindsey.

“I feel a bit mixed up and have not reached out to him today.  I think I should be able to talk with him about it, but these feelings seem very personal” – the place for these very personal feelings is in a very personal relationship with him, so… do you feel that you need to share these with him in person, in more than a week from now or before?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

It makes sense to me that you process your feelings first; feel free to do it here, little by little or all at once, however it happens… or in private, whatever works better for you.

“This is the first healthy and normal relationship I have been in” – this sentence means a lot. If I was him and you told me this, I’d feel very good hearing it!

anita

Dear Lindsey:

You are welcome. I think that everyone feels “clingy of an emotional level” sometimes, it is about being human. Try to not be bothered about being human (you have no choice on the matter… you are human!).

The message you sent him was nice and his response was nice as well, nothing to it, as I see it, other than him sending you a smile. Be careful about wanting “more“, more is not necessarily better!

anita

Anita,

Good Morning! Wow the West Coat- you are very lucky.  Bloomington, Illinois is not the greatest for weather.

So this morning my brain was analyzing  and the feelings of wanting “more” may be because there is no conflict in the relationship.  So I’m bored? We have gone over relationship issues with my ex husband and my mother.  There were ups and downs, dysfunction, and emotional issues.  Whenever things were going well around the corner was always a fight.

This relationship is steady-like a sailboat with no choppy waves; a relaxing ride.

Maybe this is the issue?

Lindsey