Anita,

Here are a few messages. I will try to be as clear as possible.

Jon-Hey I’ve ordered several books from school for my house and have not received them. Kids say you have them and I asked them to bring the books here.  Return them with kids next drop off.

Lindsey- I don’t have any books

Jon-Aiden says they are in his room and I have asked him several times to bring them back. It’s a series of 8 books.

Lindsey- No he only has a series of books from Christmas in his room I got him.

Jon-If they are Dragon Masters those are books I bought through the school that he said he brought to your house and they need to come here.

Lindsey-What details did he give about the books being at my house and when did they get these books?  I’ve never heard anything about books ordered.

Jon- they are books ordered through scolastic orders they brought home from school in October.  He brought them to your house. So, the Dragon Masters books that are a series of 8 books need to come here. Ella has 2 books there and I keep asking them to bring over to my house.  Also he says he left his red folder at your house.

Lindsey-I looked and Ella’s 2 books I have on her book shelf but I was never aware of the book orders etc. I don’t see any books from Aiden. And no red folder here. I can talk with them. (kids get here tomorrow)

After reading I feel: he needs to be discussing the books with me versus the kids. (they are 8 and 9).  He should have told me about these book ordered way before now.  Or that the kids brought them to my house. They bring home books all the time from school. It was October and this is January.  I feel like he is talking in circles and I get confused.

Lindsey

Dear Lindsey:

How if you respond to him this way:

Jon: “Hey I’ve ordered several books from school for my house and have not received them. Kids say you have them, and I asked them to bring the books here.  Return them with kids next drop off”.

Lindsey- I don’t know what books you are referring to, but the kids do, so I’ll ask them to bring the books to you.

Jon: “Aiden says they are in his room, and I have asked him several times to bring them back. It’s a series of 8 books”.

Lindsey- I will ask Aiden as well. Got to run, have a nice day.

Jon: blah blah blah… blah

You: (no response because you had to run!)

End of texting

“I feel like he is talking in circles, and I get confused” – I’d get confused too, this is why it’s important that you avoid communicating with him whenever possible, and when communicating, keep your messages short, vague, don’t ask for or get into details, and end the exchange quickly by saying that you have to run, and wishing him a nice day, or evening.

anita

Dear Lindsey:

Happy Friday to you too, and congrats for being officially a girlfriend.

“Things that I’ve found make me feel a bit objectified” – I wonder what those things are. Maybe (?) his behavior is not objectifying but you feel objectified because of having been (unfortunately!) objectified by the ex-husband.

You are taking good care of your dog! I miss Hunter the beagle, our neighbors’ dog who used to visit repeatedly every day for years. Watched two videos of him last night.

I hope the mediation goes well and that it will give you some peace of mind!

“Last night ex and girlfriend called kids on their I Pads.  They asked questions directed negatively toward me… She asked, ‘Ella you look tired’ and they both repeated that to her. Also, he asked questions about if she had completed her work and a badge for Girl Scouts” -the comment that Ella looked tired and the two questions: I don’t see how they are directed at you. How or why are the comment and two questions directed at you?

anita

Dear Lindsey:

“I said that my feelings were hurt when I read the private messages… (I) thought oh no is this how it’s going to be?  Is this the primary focus?” – you identified how you felt and expressed it to him, good job!

“He replied that he is worried about my feelings, and we will talk on Monday” – good job on his part.

At the taproom I visit, I was horrified the day before yesterday when a 29-year-old woman, a customer, showed me a text a guy sent her, a guy she talked to on only one occasion in December. He sent her… well, she showed me, a **** pic, it’s called. She says it’s a common practice. I don’t know what personal comments “not for the public to read” your new boyfriend sent you, but if a **** pic was not included- that’s a step up from what I just mentioned!

I am imagining the kind of personal comments you are referring to and I wouldn’t like them either if I received them, so tell him so Monday and it shouldn’t be a problem for him to not make those comments anymore!

anita

Anita,

I am sorry for the late reply.  I hope you had a good Valentine’s Day as well.  Things are still going strong with my relationship.  He got me a necklace for Valentine’s/Birthday (it is the 17th) and we went to dinner.

It has been a very eventful week or 2. I organized my daughter’s 10th birthday party at a paint your own pottery place and it went very well.  I dressed them up for Valentine’s Day this past Monday and they looked very cute.  we have had sports events and last Thursday we had a major snow storm- 8-10 inches so the kids were home with me going to school online.

So.  I found out in more detail his divorce situation from 3 years ago.  He was still in love with his wife and is almost positive she cheated on him.  This new revelation made me  worried.  Is this guy ready for what may lie ahead? While we have only been dating 3 months (and maybe that is key for me to realize) this is different from any relationship in the past for me.

Is this a common reason people get divorced? Yes I think so.  Can someone heal in 3 years and move on to a healthy relationship that could be long lasting? I don’t know I’ve never been in that position.  Putting myself in the position? I would not be for a long time-maybe 3 years?  He did state this is long term as he does not do short hookups/casual relationships normally.

I brought this to his attention regarding what happened with his ex wife. Initially he thought my question was more serious but I explained I’m talking about boyfriend/girlfriend-what if he decides this is too much?  He stated that he is is very leary of getting hurt and wants to enjoy what we have now.

Sitting back I don’t think I should ask the question again and be in the moment.  However you know that is hard for me to do.  Also I need to apply this to myself. Am I ready?  Because I’m also not really thinking past how great things are now.  Do I want to introduce him to my kids? It’s a passing thought only. I mean it’s not anytime soon.

It’s causing anxiety again and I would appreciate any advice-if there is any to give.

Lindsey

Hello Anita,

Hope your week is going well.  I am working in office all week so it’s an adjustment.  My relationship is going well.  Everything is good with the kids and I took Ella to her first Art class this past Saturday.  So something happened last night and well I don’t know how these things happen to me besides that I don’t have boundaries.

I have a younger male friend that I’m sure I have mentioned in the past.  He has given me a lot of advise for the past 3 years and has set me up with a new job interview.  I have noticed over time that he gets overly sexual  describing other women he is seeing or sexual comments made to me about situations. Recently the messages have gotten way worse as far as vulgar.  When I read them I think that’s really gross and I don’t read it again, I just move on.  I’ve thought in passing that I wish he would not send that kind of stuff. I’ve said something about it but he’s taken it as a joke and I have not pushed the issue.

Last night Jason was over and before he was leaving I laughed and said let me show you a funny article Chance sent me. ( the younger male friend.) Above the article was a vulgar statement Chance had sent and Jason read that.  He said does that say ….? And I said yes he sends those things all the time and I ignore it.

So to make things short I sent him a message last night after he left apologizing and we then spoke on the phone.  I said how sorry I was and if things were turned around I would be really upset and not as calm as he was acting.  His overall response about the situation was that it was disturbing.  He asked me questions about Chance like if he was attractive or if we had messed around in the past, both were no.  I said that I should have set a boundary with Chance about those types of vulgar messages.  That I have issues with boundaries.  He mostly lisened. I got really upset and he told me everything was fine, we would move forward and if I was truthful about not speaking with other men he would believe me until something happened.

I sent a message earlier about getting a dog sitter because he invited me to a 2 day vacation at the end of the month. I have not heard back so now it’s classic Lindsey anxiety about waiting.  I also sent a message this morning to Chance about no sending those types of messages again.

I made a mess of things and I just don’t know what to do.  His response is probably how things will  move forward but I feel awful about the entire thing and wonder if I should send something else about the situation now. (which I think maybe no- just move forward) I’m terrified that he thinks less of me.  First being how vulgar the comment was and it was on my phone and directed at me.  Second that I am part of that kind of text messages.  I’m just at a loss here.  I just realized the word I am feeling- Ashamed.

Lindsey

Anita,

Yes I feel things intensely I agree. Mostly likely anxiety and abandonment triggers.  I really was not able to calm down but I did speak with Jason about an hour ago.  He stated “This has been on my mind.  Do I trust you? You are making it hard.”  So at that point I thought ok this guy is breaking up with me and I’m about to freak out.  I called him (asking first) and we spoke.  Some of it was reassurance from me and I stated at this point I was not going to  have a friendship with Chance.  This is more of a casual friendship anyway and our relationship was more important.  He said that I did not have to do that about Chance but I do.  I am not going to set myself up for another text or situation again.  At the end of the conversation he stated we would talk on Friday after work when I came over.  By the end of the conversation I feel like I had reassured him a bit about the situation and things in general.  His 2 requirements when we started a relationship were no cheating and no lying.

You are right about the vulgar language stated above.  In the past I ignored Chance’s language but I have spoken to him less since I started dating Jason.  I’ve never had a male friend that texted like that.  I just didn’t think until now about setting up boundaries or that really it was that big of a deal.

This morning:

Lindsey: Stop saying some of the gross things you text me.

Chance: I always talk to you like that

Lindsey: yes and it’s gross and you need to stop

Chance: You’ve been weird the last month

Lindsey: You just get too vulgar sometimes.

Anita,

I just blocked his number.  This has not been a great experience overall.  Instead of complaining about my anxiety I’m going to try and focus on the fact that he did not break up with me.

Lindsey