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  • June 26, 2017 at 4:57 pm #155182
    Lisa
    Participant

    I am absolutely devasted that a person that I thought I could count on has let me down. There is no way out of my situation.  I must be hated because no one wants to rescue me, in fact they want to hurt me.

    June 26, 2017 at 5:32 pm #155186
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    Do you believe that I hate you? That I want to hurt you?

    anita

    June 27, 2017 at 2:16 am #155210
    Lisa
    Participant

    No Anita, I am talking about someone I have to interact with on a daily basis. Someone I thought I could talk to and who understood. Someone else I thought I could trust was involved as well…but the first person was someone I thought actually understood. A man, a helper, and money overpowered any faith in me. I should have known better.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 5 months ago by Lisa.
    June 27, 2017 at 5:24 am #155222
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I feel sad that you are devastated, disappointed. I am very intrigued by your story, as you told it on this thread, have been intrigued from the beginning. The way you write, for example: “I am a writer who doesn’t write, an artist who doesn’t paint” (quote from my memory). I spent time on it, re-writing, but something eludes me. Something to help me understand the being hated core belief you have, being punished. I will re-read your accounts from before and come back to your thread soon enough, today.

    anita

    June 27, 2017 at 9:03 am #155254
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    Correction, regarding the quote above. The correct quote is: “I am an artist who doesn’t draw and a writer who doesn’t write”- beautiful writing by a writer who does write, I say.

    June 23,  you wrote: “Everything I grew up with though tells me not to (get help). I work no matter what. Injury…deal with it, weather, ice, snow, get through it, no bus fare…walk to work. It’s what I was taught at home… you either swim or you sink. I need help but I never learned how to accept help… No one in that family could get help. Their idea of strong was to go out and do it no matter what hurt you are dealing with. Favoured was acting like hurt didn’t affect you at all…”

    As a child, you learned what you were taught. You were eager to be a good girl, to please and win approval, and so you were the best pupil you could be. You naturally took in what you learned as the truth and lived it best you could.

    You were taught that feeling hurt is unacceptable, that you should ignore it, not mention it, act as if you are not hurt. You were taught that being strong means to not feel hurt or not to express hurt, that being strong meant to go out and DO, swim, stay afloat,  as if there no hurt. You were taught that to be strong means to not ask for help.

    In reality, people do need help, a whole lot of help as children, and otherwise, we need help throughout our lives. Babies in nature need help, otherwise they will not survive. Children need help too. As aduts we need help as well because we are born to be social animals, to live in groups, like other social animals in nature. Living in a social group means helping and being helped. So not asking for help is incongruent with reality.

    In reality, being strong is feeling hurt because we are born to feel hurt when we are hurt. It is in our nature. If feeling hurt means weakness, then everyone is weak. Being strong is noticing when we feel hurt and then taking effective action to operate more effectively and to protect ourselves from further hurt. It is the wrong teaching to ignore hurt because when you do, and then operate as if you are not hurt, you don’t learn and you don’t know what it is that is hurting you and you don’t learn how to operate more effectively and how to protect yourself from future hurt. Instead you keep “work(ing) no matter what. Injury…deal with it, weather, ice, snow, get through it, no bus fare…walk to work..”

    It is similar to this: you twist your foot and it hurts a lot to walk. Congruent with reality would be to rest your foot, ice it, support it, elevate it so it can heal, use crutches… and gradually, walk just a little, increase over time, until full recovery. What you were taught is this- twisted your ankle? Don’t feel the pain and don’t talk about it, just keep walking like before, through the pain- you either walk or you fall, so walk! As a result of the latter teaching, your foot never heals. It keeps hurting and hurting.. and hurting.

    There is more I can write, but I need your thoughts and feelings about what I wrote here so far, in this post.

    anita

     

    June 27, 2017 at 10:36 am #155290
    Lisa
    Participant

    Anita thank you, I will be able to post tonight in a little over 5 hours. I will also answer a post from a little while ago from another member.

    June 27, 2017 at 3:36 pm #155334
    Lisa
    Participant

    The first part you wrote reminded me for some reason when I was on a ride when I was a little girl although I am not sure why. This memory has stuck with me. When I was on the ride I couldn’t figure out how to control the car everyone was yelling instructions. Someone bumped into me with their car and I just ignored the fact that I couldn’t operate the car and just laughed. I remember looking over at my grandmother and she just rolled her eyes. I remember feeling a little embarrased.

    My family dealt with hurt with achohol, some with drugs, fights, anger, verbal abuse.

    I have definately never been fully helped for my hurt.I have tried many things but have never found true empathy from anyone.

    • I feel as if someone should care about me first. I can’t completely take care of myself because in reality I just don’t care but since I am trapped in me I have to feel the effects from my not being able to take care of myself.
    • I would love to be able to take care of myself but I truly dont know how. I know the pain doesn’t go away but even though I have come to the conclusion that I do not know how to take care of myself I still feel I have sincerely tried and I would like someone to think enough of me to see that I get well.

     

     

    June 27, 2017 at 4:08 pm #155336
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    You wrote: “I still feel I have sincerely tried and I would like someone to think enough of me to see that I get well”- I have no doubt that you sincerely tried, and you are still trying. Like I wrote to you a couple of posts ago, you are a fighter.

    Sure I think enough of you, I definitely do think highly of you, this is why I found your story so valuable that I spent so much time copying it into my Word program, analyzing, reading and re-reading, re-writing and I keep finding your story and your thoughts and feelings valuable, intriguing.

    From my personal experience, I know how difficult it is to heal or to “get well” as you put it. I am still working on it. So I am very humble when I think of how much difference I can make in another person’s life- online and in person. Very little, at best.

    I assure you, Lisa, that I think of you as a valuable person, hurt and valuable, angry often enough and valuable, alone and valuable. Some of your wordings, your expressions still fascinate me as I type this.

    anita

    June 28, 2017 at 7:24 am #155374
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I am on my break which is 15 minutes so I will be quick. I want to share something with you and anyone else reading. Also with the person whose post I still need to get to.

    I was listening to an interview with a woman who suffered from depression that she learned that happiness is fleeting. The best you can do is feel contentment.

    Not sure I am quoting her exactly right but thst is basically what she was trying to get across. I do get it. Happiness is much like sadness. You don’t feel sadness all the time so how can you be happy all the time? It’s actually very zen I think. Anyway I liked that quote from her.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    June 28, 2017 at 7:37 am #155384
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    I never felt … content with the word happy, felt uncomfortable with it because I so rarely felt it. And I was puzzled: do other people feel it, always, or a lot? Happy Birthday… I wish you happiness… “the right to pursue happiness” (in the constitution)- what is all that about?

    Happiness is fleeting in its nature. Animals don’t seem happy to me, not much of the time. A dog seems happy at times, but not all the time. I don’t think it is doable for any animal/ person to be always happy, not even most of the time. Happiness involves excitation of the nervous system, and I don’t like it much (having Tourette Syndrome, happy involves more tics, and tics distress me, so I prefer contentment on happiness any time!)

    anita

    July 2, 2017 at 5:21 pm #156052
    Lisa
    Participant

    Manders I want to continue on a new post because my last one became too difficult to type in.

    Thank you for the advice about listening to tapes and podcasts. Books as well…Therapy is just so expensive. If I was rich I’d see a therapist everyday, hire a life coach, consultants, nutritionist, etc.

    edit: just like to let you know that I have a previous post that is waiting moderation. It must be the way it was typing in.

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    July 2, 2017 at 5:43 pm #156056
    Lisa
    Participant

    Manders I will continue my post but want to start another at the moment. How long can I continue this thread and ask for help? I dream of doing the work to change things but something always comes up. Right now I am dealing with physical pain.

    I never learned how to have a life. I thought if I worked hard and behaived myself that good things would come to me but they haven’t. I am not on the street but that is always following not too far behind me. I have no security. I am jealous that other women are the subject of men’s concerns. I appreciate everyone who has posted but have you noticed no men have? They just don’t care.

    Anita I am sorry that you have to deal with something that is uncomfortable for you but I admire you so much that you can give so much to other people. I want to be able to do that but just feel resentful if I am going to be honest about being alone. I could help people I am sure but I can not get past my sadness over my situation in life. It’s like I need someone next to me telling me what to do all the time. All I know how to do is survive and feeling love, happiness, joy, fun…they are luxuries I am not allowed to have. I don’t know why. I guess I accepted a long time ago after numerous letdowns and disappoinments that I am not allowed to experience those things and I am simply demanding or searching for someone to be able to tell me why?? If I have to live like this than why do I have to. I believe men think nothing of me and I don’t want to hear about what I am doing wrong. I want to know why???? If I am sentenced to this existense than I feel I have the right to know why. Part of my punishment it seems is not having the right to say it’s not my fault. They can think nothing of me, treat me unfairly, or like I am some sort of nuisance  and I am to take the blame.

     

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
    July 2, 2017 at 6:46 pm #156050
    Lisa
    Participant

     

    I was going to counseling after the divorce, but like you couldn’t keep paying for it. So instead, I find things

    I too was bullied as a kid and found that my husbands meanness and betrayal brought it back up to the surface for me. I had good years combined with our relationship, my job success and family and friends where my self-esteem was good. But the end of the marriage at the same time as the death of my mother also came with having to move a long distance by myself, figuring out a new career (while being jobless) and the loss of several friendships, some due to the divorce and some to other circumstances. It like my entire life was washed away and I have started anew. I still have bad days but I have more good and I try to look at it as a fresh beginning and appreciate the progress I have made. My attitude is that I’m making a comeback! By the way, I’m 47.

    Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes. Carl Gustav Jung

     

    Manders, I acknowledge that I have a lot to do with my current situation but I need at least that one person to pursue me and then I might feel I am worth it.

    I constantly observe people around me and most of the time I notice that people will not talk to me unless I talk to them first. …and forget if I get into a disagreement with someone. I might as well not exist.

    I want to know what it feels like to be truly really wanted at least once. Unless I can not recognize being wanted ir I didn’t want them and do not want to acknowledge that. Even the ones that expressed interest never really tried hard enough for me.

    I am sorry for your breakup but good for you concentrating on your self esteem.

    Idon’t know whether to classify myself as a whiny lazy loser when it comes to my love kife. I really haven’t known what to do about it over the years. I do make an effort to be friendly but it never seems to go anywhere. I guess I have always needed them to lead all the time. Maybe my childhood did screw me up for more than a couple of reasons but other women seemed to go through the same things and still manage relationships. I don’t understand why I am different and why I am so hated for feeling bad that I am different.

    I can not be upset for my lack of anything.

    It’s like other women are given 10 different ways of support and I am the unwanted orphan told that I should be just happy I am allowed to have a roof over my head.

    I know people like to be around happy people but I want unconditional love and friendship. I would give it. Why can’t I get what I would give?

    I am sure you will be dating soon. I sense that you are strong and determined to keep your self esteem a priority. My self esteem is determined by how much I am needed and very few people express that they need me.

    July 3, 2017 at 7:20 am #156130
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lisa:

    At the very beginning of your thread, May 1, you wrote: “I can not get beyond unmet needs… (regarding other women) to be just loved for who they are. I want that… (being) held in higher regard… I am devastated that I am a nothing.”

    One significant, big need a person has is to feel worthy. It hurts a whole lot when you are treated early on as if you have no worth, as if you are a nothing. That is a kind of a pain that doesn’t go away.

    You feel that men treat you as worthless  or as less worthy than other women. You are angry at men for that and jealous at women who are “held in higher regard”.

    One very significant unmet need that is hurting you so very much is that very feeling that you are treated as a nobody, as less worthy, as one held in lower regard.

    I know it hurts, Lisa. If you were indeed worthless, being treated as such wouldn’t have hurt. But because you are worthy, as worthy as any other woman on the face of this earth, it hurts.

    anita

     

    July 4, 2017 at 5:39 am #156272
    Lisa
    Participant

    Thank you Anita. I seem to have lost a couple of people that posted. I didn’t respond quick enough.

     

    I seem to be doomed to take the responsibility for the rejection I have received/ receive. If someone manipulated me, I can not call them out on it, If someone treats me less I am imagining it, if someone bullies me I am misinterpreting their meaning…I am the kind of woman these people feed off of and if a woman like me comes along and defies all their attacks and wins it infuriates them. Sometimes I do win and it infuriates them but I don’t have a real strong defense mechanism.

    If I was a man and posted the same story more than a few women would post giving advice.

    Even the most strong feminist I believe has it ingrained in them to believe that men are more valuable. I believe masculinity and feminity are of equal value which makes me an alien from another planet. Especially in the United States. I know this because I have seen women who I know to be strong; blinded to their values in order to please a man.

    I have seen it even in celebrity women I admire. They fell for the rhetoric and when they woke up it was too late and they lost a little of what lead them to where they are.

    I am extremely sad right now and really don’t know what to do.

    Thank you to everyone who has tried to help me.

    Lisa

    • This reply was modified 7 years, 4 months ago by Lisa.
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