I spent the latter half of the 00’s living with my aunt and her husband. I didn’t have to worry about any issues with the home I was living in but I felt like a charity case. No matter how hard I worked having my own home seemed like something that was not meant to be for me. I also became more sedentary. I did take art classes but didn’t graduate. I also noticed my ocd became worse. I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was going to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have totured myself over that nearly my whole life. Those are just examples of my ocd.

Getting back to men. I have even wished for a man to find me. It’s so important that he wants me first. Anything less I see as failure. My grandfather and a few married men seemed to enjoy my company but my grandfather died and the women attached to the married men would get slightly annoyed with me talking to them. I had absolutely no intentions other than knowing I had friends. Like I kinda said, I am very old fashioned when it comes to love. I just felt the women I knew had absolutely no care in the world that I was alone and my one friend just wanting someone she had something in common with. The men I talked about would give me compliments and tell me that it upsets them to see me in pain. I could go more depth on this but I don’t want to give the wrong impression.

I finally moved out of my aunt’s house and into a rented room in a big beautiful home that within a month turned into a disaster that almost caused me to have a nervous breakdown. I started not caring about all the things I always cared about because I was becoming resentful and I guess bitter. Yet again my home turned into a nightmare. I would not like to go into it because I don’t want to relive it. Then I moved out and shared a lovely apartment with a roommate that turned out to be not so lovely. At that point I had to move back in with my aunt. My job that I had been working at for almost 10 years fired me shortly after for not being able to control my emotions. I would often cry at work like I did at every other job I had. This was the job I had advanced with the most too.

A woman got me in trouble too and she seened very happy to do it to. I often feel like I am being punished. I would like to know what for though. Of course I had to get a job that paid much less than I was making at the long term job. I finally had to move out of my aunt’s again and into a lovely home that teased a catastrophe for me but subsided but by then I was so fragile of anything happening in my home I had a meltdown. Not again. My poor roommate had suffered something the year before though. I stayed there and watched her dogs which was a joy for me but then she moved which meant I had to move. I now rent a room in a lovely home but you guessed it, something that I am very phobic about happened. It hasn’t actually happened yet but some work has to be done on the house and I just need reassurance that it is going to be ok.

I started last night writing out goals for 1 day, 1 week, 1 month, year, 2,3,4,5 years and I accomplished some of my daily goals but not all of them and since someone didn’t spend time with me today I have gone off my diet. I was seeing a therapist a month or two ago but I just can’t afford it on my current job.

I feel sick right now and sitting alone watching the rain outside.

It’s like a cycle you know. Your lonely so you try to curb your lonliness with something that might be contributing to your lonliness. I know on paper what needs to be done but I feel like I’m climbing a hill made of mud. 

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

Thank you both! I think I need to finish this as there are other heartbreaks and disappointments I have not talked about but I wanted to condense as much as possible and give an idea of how my life went and how it is still going.

I have made decisions in haste that I regret but my answer to those is to never allow myself to learn from those decisions, understand why I made them and then move on. I simply avoid the situations where I have felt like a failure, thinking that I deserve to be punished for making the wrong decision or being thoughtless. Most of those things I feel were reactions to what coincidently happened to me. I won’t take responsibilty for what is thrown my way. I just feel resentful and damaged and not worth the trouble of understanding. I can forgive others but can not forgive myself.

I also have had a very difficult time forgiving my parents. I regret for instance the way I talked to my mother before she died. I sent her flowers when she was in treatment and went to see her the day beforr she died. I believe I told her I loved her because I wanted “her” to hear that. I believe I said it to her. My father whom I never remember meeting died 4 years after and I was told by a manager at my work who was informed by my cousin I just discovered that he was in the hospital in another state. He lived a good distance from me but she told me that he wanted to talk to me. I was told this a day before he died. I believe he was suppose to be taken off life support. I don’t even know what he really looks like. My cousins family apparantly couldn’t come up with a picture.

I wondered why he didn’t try to contact me when he apparantly was living in my neighborhood until I was about 21. Why didn’t he try to contact me anytime after that? He wanted to talk to me but didn’t do anything about it. I know my mother’s family wanted him to stay away but after I was an adult couldn’t he have at least tried to talk to me? I definately had a wall up and was very wary of personal relationships although I tried to belong to my aunt’s family. Despite difficulties they seemed to love each other and I wanted that so bad. I wanted to belong to a family. I was always treated like I was my mother’s age because my grandparents took me in and told me I was their child so their children followed that. I was never really accepted as a child in need but someone who was my mother’s age.

It hurts me that my parents couldn’t get it together for me. I know they were young but like me they probaly both had difficulty growing up because of their own personal problems. I knew who my mother was but I wish I had known my father. I am told that he was an artist, a sculptor and that is probaly where I get my artistic talent from. My uncle who was his friend before I was born also said I am inquisitive like he was.

Right now I am failing at my current set of goals. I can’t stick to them by myself. If I am with people I am more disciplined but on my own I lapse.

I can only simply summarize myself right now.
I rent a room. I am 48 years old. I have a low paying job. I am very attractive when I take care of myself. I cry a lot. I am beyond lonely. I daydream a lot about how I wish my life was. I am a good person but often become resentful and angry over not feeling included or wanted. I have never been jealous of material things or money. I am jealous of relationships. I sometimes see people and wonder with all their issues how where they still able to have a family and relationships and I am still alone? I have even had a man (married of course) tell me he has absolutely no idea why I have such a problem having a relationship. I don’t quite understand it.

Dating and relationships I see as hurtful because you can get rejected but also might reject someone else. I think I am afraid of rejecting someone even more than being afraid of getting rejected. I have felt unwanted whether it’s true or not and do mot want to make anyone else feel unwanted. That is why I see dating as callous. I am too serious I think.

You have to but I think at this point because I could go on and on I could just answer any questions you have because as far as my life story I don’t know where else to go. I could fill a novel with all my little experiences, nissed opportunities, regrets in why I am alone. How can I turn around years and years of being a certain way and possibly at a time where I will rejected even more than I would have been before?

Thank you for reading,

Lisa

• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 6 months ago by Lisa.

…and sorry yes Anita I do feel somehow punished. Pinch of Attitude I am better than last week. It does feel good to write about these things.

Yes, I could add more stories and experiences for sure but I don’t believe there is any single event that created my life experience. Although finding out from the neighborhood kids that use to bully me about my situation with my parents was when I first felt like I had a breakdown of sorts. I felt the world was a hostile place in regards to me wanting only to hurt my self esteem. Knock it down in some way.

Thank you. I also apologize for the typos. I always submit my posts and then edit. I should take the time to read before I post but I often don’t.