Dear Lisa:

I thought someone might respond, if they dare face  your rage, that is.  Also, members are less likely to respond to a thread where they see a lot  of one-to-one exchange, not  wanting to interrupt what looks like a private conversation. In that case, if you start a  new thread for the purpose of attracting  other members, that may be a good idea (I will stay away from it so that it will be more inviting to others).

You can start a new one and continue this  one, no limit on  number  of  threads per member. I like the idea myself, a  new thread on the topic you just brought up!

anita

Dear  Lisa:

There are people who  are interested in brains, in your brain in particular, but I do think men may be intimidated by the idea of communicating with you because of your stated anger at men. Women may be afraid as well, fearing your anger at women who support men. I suppose the way to invite people to a conversation or a debate is to present  the topic as objectively as possible, not angrily on one hand and not going overboard the other way (“oh, I love  you guys” and  so forth).

anita

Dear  Lisa:

I read and watched the story line and photos from the movie Ever  After because you wrote about it, how you can relate to the character Danielle.

The story takes place in France in the 16th century. Auguste de  Barbarac, a widower and father  to 8 year old Danielle, marries a woman, Rodmilla de Ghent, a haughty baroness with two daughters, Marguerite (cruel) and  Jacqueline (kind). Later he dies of a heart  attack.  By the time Danielle is 18, the estate has fallen into decline and Danielle is forced to be a servant to  Rodmilla and her daughters.

One day Danielle stops a man from stealing her father’s horse, it was Prince  Henry…. Later, King Francis tells Henry that he is throwing a masquerade ball where he must  choose a bride… Meanwhile,  Rodmilla schemes to marry  Marguerite to Henry. Later… Danielle catches Rodmilla and Marguerite stealing her  mother’s dress and slippers. When Marguerite insults Danielle’s mother, Danielle punches her and  chases her  through the manor...  Later Danielle is whipped as punishment… Later she  is locked in the pantry by Rodmilla but Da Vinci helps free her, and makes her a  pair of wings to wear to the  ball with her  mother’s dress and slippers. In the ball, Rodmilla exposes Danielle’s identity (as her servant) and Henry angrily rejects Danielle. Danielle bursts into tears and runs away, leaving a slipper behind… Danielle is sold to a lecherous landowner who makes sexual advances towards  Danielle, but frees her after she threatens him with his own weapons. Henry finds  her, apologizes to her, calls her  by her true name, places the  slipper on her foot and proposes to  her. ..  Later, Rodmilla is stripped of her title by Queen Marie and she and Marguerite (Danielle is introduced to them at this point as Prince Henry’s wife) are sentenced to work as servants in the palace laundry. Jaqueline, because she was  kind to Danielle,  is spared of this punishment, marries Laurent, the  captain of the  guard who she  met at the  ball and moves into the palace with the royal family.

About  the movie, a critic said (Wikipedia): “This  novel variation is still set in the once-upon-a-time 16th century, but it features an active, 1990s-style heroine- she argues about  economic theory and  civil rights with her royal suitor- rather  than a  passive, exploited hearth sweeper…”

You wrote  about the scene at the  ball: “Imagine someone telling  that  character well t he  way you were treated is all your fault. Danielle is outspoken and  it does cause  her grief. That is certainly true.”

My thoughts: Danielle is made to be a servant and treated  poorly by her evil stepmother (and evil step sister) following bad luck, Danielle’s mother  dying, then her father remarrying an evil woman and  then, her father dying, leaving  Danielle to the mercy of her evil stepmother and stepsister. It  is similar to your story having  been born into bad luck, being sent  away as a baby, then growing  up with an older sister who actually was your  birth mother, unbeknownst to you, thinking your grandparents are your parents, and  that  their older  children are  your siblings, spending lots  of  time  in your room alone, escaping the drama in the  house by blocking your room door, staying  inside, daydreaming of  a  better  life, of  love.

And like Danielle, you have  strong opinions and you voiced them and you too are strong and  courageous, but  unlike Danielle you didn’t  meet a prince and didn’t  marry him.

You wrote “Ella” when you meant to  write Danielle at one  point. Ella was the character who played Cinderella in the 2015 movie Cinderella. In that movie Ella lost her mother at a young age, promises “to follow her mother’s dying wishes: to have courage and be  kind” (quote from Wikipedia, these are your values, Lisa: courage and  kindness, just like Ella’s!), Her father remarries Lady Tremaine who has two daughters. Ella welcomes her new stepfamily, despite the  stepsisters’ unpleasant attitudes. Lady Tremaine slowly reveals her cruel and jealous nature when  Ella’s father goes abroad  for business, as  she  pushes  Ella to  give up her bedroom to the stepsisters for the attic. Ella’s father unexpectedly dies during the trip and Lady Tremaine dismisses the  household to save money and forces all of the  chores on Ella..  she  and her daughters mock Ella and forbid her from eating with them… Later, on the night of the ball, Ella tries to join her stepfamily, but lady Tremaine and her daughters tear her dress to shreds and  leave without  her. Ella runs into the garden in tears (she didn’t punch or threaten with weapons, that  is, she didn’t  fight like  Danielle did) and meets an old beggar woman who reveals herself to be her Fairy Godmother. The Fairy Godmother magically transforms a pumpkin into a golden carriage.. and she transforms Ella’s ripped dress into a gorgeous blue gown, complete with a pair of magical glass slippers.

I wonder, Lisa, when you were a young girl in your grandparents’ house, older siblings around, lots  of drama, loud voices and you alone in your room, blocking the door so no one can get in, were you reading Cinderella (the story before Ella and Danielle), daydreaming about  being Cinderella, being discovered by a prince, rescued from that  house, delivered from being  invisible or unappreciated  into being  seen and valued  as the princess so to speak, the  princess that you really are…?

anita

Dear Lisa:

I re-read the first 2-3 pages of  your thread that started May 1, 2017 and  would like to offer  you my current understanding. First thing I need to bring  up to you is this: I know that you are very sensitive to anything looks or sounds like criticism. I am very interested in not criticizing you at all. I will be focusing on not criticizing you every part of the way. Unfortunately you will probably feel criticized by me anyway, but I will make sure to communicate to you from my  end with no criticism. , I figure, even if you feel criticized and reject what I will write to you, this is okay with me because at the least, maybe you will appreciate my ongoing attention to you, the many hours I spent trying  to communicate and understand you, over a period of 20 months at this point.

In my effort to  communicate no criticism to you, I will start with the following:

I have  been a very anxious child and  adult. I have suffered from severe OCD and severe vocal and motor tics (Tourette Syndrome) in my childhood and adolescence. I used to think that there was something wrong with me  from birth but I learned that there was nothing wrong with me, that my severe anxiety and diagnoses were a result of being severely injured emotionally as  a young  child and throughout those Formative Years of my  childhood. The anxiety and its symptoms were  formed  in me: I didn’t  choose anxiety and I didn’t choose its symptoms.

Therefore when I talk about your severe anxiety and  your symptoms I believe the same  as I believe about myself: there  was nothing  wrong with you. The severe anxiety and its symptoms were formed in you during  a childhood in which you were  injured repeatedly, and severely.

Another thing, I had a series of … disconnected, unstable, short, non-ongoing interactions with men, but I did  not have a romantic/ love relationship with another until I was older than you are now.

And now I will put to you my understanding in the simplest, most straight forward way I can but add at quotes from your writing pages 1-3:

1. You have been severely anxious from a very early age: “I remember all through childhood I had to take a pill everyday supposedly to calm me down… I am always in survival mode with little bursts of ambitious that fizzle out and  then  I just remain in survival mode… I obsess a lot and constantly wash my hands. My obsessions for example was  worrying that if I didn’t pick the right cup something bad was  going  to happen. I also thought I could prevent bad things from happening by whatever shirt I put on that day. I have  tortured myself over that nearly my whole life. Those are just examples of my OCD”.

2. You quit high school grade 9, worked many low paying, physically demanding jobs, moved around  a lot, sharing apartments with younger roommates, renting rooms,  starting and  quitting post GED education, not pursuing employment in the one educational endeavor that you did complete, interior design, and then, not having experience a single healthy relationship with any person, all because of your severe anxiety. Not because of lack of intelligence, or good  looks, or talent, or work ethics, or ambition, but because you were terribly afraid all along.

3. You escaped your terrible home life as a child by turning inward and daydreaming, finding solace in your own world of fantasy and make  believe. You daydreamed alone in your room or in the library. In reality you lived a Cinderella kind of life before she met the  prince: “at 15 I stayed at home with my grandfather and  uncles. I didn’t go out. I had no friends. I cleaned the house, did everyone’s laundry and after a couple of years was pressured to get a job…  I missed out on dating. I missed  out on proms. I missed out on friendship… I missed out on being a teenager… I lived with my grandfather and with other men who didn’t always treat me well and I was criticized for not working after cleaning  for them”

And then when you were 23, your  grandfather died and life got even worse for you, “I left my  childhood home and I lost the one man who wanted me around”. It is similar to how Cinderella’s life became bad, when her own father died, leaving her to the mercy of her step mother and  sisters.

In your daydreams, you were pursued by a man: “I have never had a relationship. I have always longed for  one. Every day  since  I was a teen I have  imagined being in relationships… I have  prayed, wished for, read books to find my soulmate… I wanted a man to pursue me with enthusiasm… All the while I am dreaming  of myself in some alternate universe in a relationship with a man… I have even wished for a man to find me.  It’s so important that he wants me first.  Anything  less I see as failure”

4. I wrote above that you didn’t  have a healthy relationship with another person because of your severe anxiety. Now specifically why I believe you didn’t have a romantic relationship with a man: because you are so very sensitive  to  criticism, in the initial interactions you did have with men, you perceived criticism very early on and withdrew: “I can not handle an ounce  of criticism from a man or anyone else.When men criticize me now I just want  to ask ‘Why?’ ‘Why do men hate me so much?’ I want to  just leave  everything and go away”. Basically, you can’t have a relationship because you have not been able to not feel criticized: “Relationships of any kind are difficult for me unless it’s in service to someone and that someone never criticizes me”.

A relationship for you has been impossible from the beginning because in your fantasy imaginings you are not criticized by the man/Prince. But in reality, it is impossible for a man who happens to not be critical, to not be perceived by you as not critical of you.

5. You incorrectly believe that there is an evil spirit of sorts that follows you around and sets you up in situations where bad things happen to you: “it seems I have a poltergeist following me around setting me up in situations that often are distressing  for me.. trouble .. always finding me”

In reality you have  been experiencing so much distress because of the severe anxiety and its consequences: remaining single in low paying jobs that are physically  demanding and moving around a lot, living with roommates or renting a room in someone’s home. This very lifestyle, a result of your anxiety, invites troubles, such as with roommates you wouldn’t otherwise live with passed a certain age, if you had a stable  career.

6. Who is Lisa outside of fear- an artist and a writer, a lover of books and school:

“I am an artist who doesn’t draw and a writer who doesn’t  write… an artist who loved books and school… I’ve wanted to  be a journalist and a writer when I was in grade school… I’ve wanted to  be an art therapist, art teacher”

And a woman who wants  to be  seen and heard, appreciated and treated with respect and esteem, a woman who wants to be loved.

anita