HomeāForumsāShare Your TruthāAlone
- This topic has 388 replies, 2 voices, and was last updated 5 months ago by anita.
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January 5, 2018 at 7:31 pm #185305LisaParticipant
There is nothing to write. There is no there there. There’s nothing, so it doesn’t matter what anyone chooses to do. My only existence is work and my room. If I didn’t have to make money I would stay in my room.
I just want to know why it has to be this way?
I am hated for my own pain.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
January 6, 2018 at 6:52 am #185335AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
I mentioned the title of your thread many times in my different replies: “Alone”.
Strange thing: I find myself Alone on your thread. I am typing to you this very moment, and because of my experience on your thread so far, I am typing to you but it is as if you will not be reading this. Are you reading this?
What I mean by this is that it feels to me that you didn’t read anything I wrote so far, as if I have been Alone myself, all this time, on your thread.
As if you have been in your room, locked in your room all this time and my posts to you were like background noise outside your room, just noise. My ideas did not reach you, my suggestions did not reach you. There has been no meaningful exchange, nothing mutual, no…. meeting of the minds or hearts.
anita
January 18, 2018 at 12:03 pm #187445LisaParticipantI have a difficult time accepting what someone thinks is my truth when my reality contradicts the what they think.
I want to know why I am unwanted. The trouble is you can not answer that so you have to look to me even though I have felt this way since I can remember. I felt like I was an annoyance first, felt like an annoyance at school from teachers, felt like a tag along with “friends,” felt like a “loyal” friend who was only there to support someone else and be made to fee just glad I had them as a friend and make them look like the better person. I was a good person but everyone puts themselves above me. They couldn’t be equal to me…they had to be better and ignore thier faults like they had none. I am punished and right now I am in a fight with every saboteur heading my way to mess up my job and I have dodged everyone. Can I keep up that pace. They determined to make sure I mess up and open my mouth. That’s my problem I talk but I am encouraged by what is happening.
Sorry for my seventeen page thread. I post here because I have no where else I can talk about this.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Lisa.
January 18, 2018 at 3:54 pm #187467LisaParticipantI really wish one could edit posts always because I am sometimes in a hurry and I do not text very well.
I know on paper what I need to do but I can’t get over the original rejection and what seems like the ongoing rejection. A handful of people know that I am a good person…I can post more later but I do not feel I can.
January 19, 2018 at 5:51 am #187551LisaParticipantI always want to get to the root of a problem to learn how something came to be so I can understand. There is always a reason for things I believe. I don’t accept “well that’s just the way it is.” I have to go to work again. I won’t accept injustice. That’s not an answer….and if things have to be unjust then I will call every injustice out no matter how much they don’t want to hear it. It’s my only power.
January 19, 2018 at 6:27 am #187557AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
You wrote that you post here because you have nowhere else to talk about this, about what troubles you so, about the injustice you are experiencing. You wrote that you “will call every injustice out”, that it is your only power.
Please do post here, anytime. You are welcome to add more and more to your thread. I welcome all your posts, as they are.
anita
January 21, 2018 at 4:42 am #187813AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
I think I understand now, after all of our communication… and miscommunication of the last nine months on this thread something I didn’t understandĀ before.
I think that the Key Sentence of all that you shared is that you cannot tolerate an ounce of criticism from anyone.
What I understand today is that criticism to you includes when any person expresses any difference from what you stated to be true to you. You believe, for one, that all men hate you and hurt you, and that the women who tried to help turned against you and supported the men who hate you.
If I suggest differently, I think you take it as criticism and you automatically view me as one of those women who are either hurting you or trying to help you but am supporting a man who hates you.
In your truth, according to what you believe is true, you are a good, intelligent, creative, hard working woman barely surviving a hostile world where all people hate and hurt you or about to do so every time you try to improve your life and every time you assert yourself. A world where people expect you to submit to their alleged superiority and abuse.
You fight against that expected submission, rebel against it. In this world, as you view it, you are truly Alone.
I believe that there is no way to live in such a world other than to survive it while suffering a whole lot. And that has been your experience so far, as you shared: barely surviving and suffering a lot.
Understanding what I understand now, I will withdraw from now on any criticism as you view criticism, that is, I will not express any difference from what you believe to be true. I will instead wish you well and I may simply repeat what you share, as in a mirror, to let you know someone read what you shared.
And I do wish you feel better. I do.
anita
February 2, 2018 at 7:45 pm #190401LisaParticipantAnita you do not have to repeat what I say. I react to what I observe. I think I have a right to be proud of one or two things about myself although that doesn’t seem to go over well. I am quite observant, almost vigilant. I study everything. People can think whatever they want about what I say about myself but I am very grateful for my intuition. I understand motivations, intentions…if I had to choose between lonliness or being unaware I guess my choice is lonliness. It’s not worth losing myself.
Like I said I base my thoughts on what I have observed. Let someone prove me wrong. They never do. I want them to prove me arong. They seem to even go out of their way to prove me right.
February 3, 2018 at 4:07 am #190413AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
Okay then, I will not only repeat what you wrote.
Instead, I will do the following: I will state what I understand that you believe and ask you if I understood correctly. If I didn’t understand correctly, please correct me and state as clearly as you can what it is that you believe. Please do not be vague.
If you choose to not answer me, or you answer me in a vague way thatĀ does not answer my question, then there is nowhere for me to go further on your thread. I will have to no longer post on it because of a total failure to communicate.
This is what I understand: you believe that every time you tried to improve your life circumstances, people (men who hate you and women who either hate you or support the men who hate you) purposefully caused your efforts to fail, abusing you and insisting that you submit to their abuse.
Did I understand correctly, and if I did not, will you correct me and state what it is you believe on the matter (every time you tried to improve…) clearly?
anita
February 3, 2018 at 4:40 am #190419LisaParticipantAnita you absolutely do not “have to” post on my thread and evidence of my beliefs lies in many who wish you wouldn’t and they can answer that question right now. The totally want me dismissed. I can’t remember once not appreciating or looking forward to your posts. That’s how I feel. How you feel about posting is what is important.
I get the feeling that I am supposed to be unaware and be the happy best friend to other women who get things handed to them. You think I hate men when I am disgusted by men who say “let me check with the boss” or another guy acts all apologetic to his wife or whatever she was when he made a simple mistake. How about thinking for yourself and not having to “check” with anyone but discuss. Your an individual and you should act like one.
When I am at work I have to take insults, be criticised and left out on top of that and after months of letting it all roll off my back I have now settled into being somewhat liked, on call for whomever needs a fill in but not truly wanted when it comes to anything outside of work. You see as long as I keep my mouth shut and smile, be available for work when someone calls out and go home I’m good.
When I am the customer other places I am also insulted. I can not explain everything now. I have to go.
February 3, 2018 at 4:59 am #190423AnonymousGuestDear Lisa:
You didn’t answer my question, not the way I asked you to answer.
But you wrote that you “can’t remember once not appreciating or looking forward to (my) posts”- and that means something to me, therefore I ask:
What is it that you appreciate about my posts, what is it that you are looking forward to in my posts to you?
Please answer me, Lisa.
anita
February 3, 2018 at 7:17 pm #190541LisaParticipantTo answer your previous question I would have to be in the mood I’m in when I feel that way. When I was in that mood I felt very very strongly that I was a nothing to men and women would just smirk at my being a nothing. I felt that. I could give you numerous examples of this. I feel it to some extent when I am feeling better but it doesn’t bother me as much. Depending on what week it is I believe strongly that I am disliked.
Rationally I believe that I can not get over my father not being a part of my life, being hurt by people I trusted when I was a child, Most daughters do not have to work on or seek out attention from their fathers. Their fathers are there for them. I was going through a trauma in my teens but felt like everyone thought it was up to me to make everything work. I am stubborn now and insist that I approached first. In the past the only approaches I got were physical I wanted someone to ve interested in me, my thoughts, ideas…no one was.
Today I was listening to a video about “being a victum and how not to be.” I didn’t fully understand everything he was suggesting or said but liked the overall idea he was expressing. Talking about “reactions” which I get but it’s hard when you are hurt or insulted. I would also not want to lose me emotions wholly.
I do believe I put myself into the victum mode but that has always been my experience.
I appreciate your posts because you are one of a handful of people who see something worthwhile in me and actually say it to me. You are very insightful and I feel that you truly want to help. I have had my ups and downs but I am always interested in what you have to say. I think you have tried to motivate me to look forward but I am stubbornly holding on to something I will never have. Unconditional love. It’s the only live I am interested in.
I want to do something about my situation but I don’t know how to act and desperately looking for an answer. If I can figure out what is broken or what is causing the block than I could do something about it. Even in my calmest I do feel I am not pursued. I heard from a friend of mine today how her boyfriend saw me at my work and told her how pretty I looked. I appreciated the compliment but are they always coming from men who are married or atrached?
I am tired right now. I do appreciate your posts Anita and your help. I sound frustrated because I am working with a set of beliefs and looking for answers as to why those beliefs seemed to be reinforced. I want someone to prove what I say is wrong. I am very tired and I am sorry if I haven’t communicated well with you. I do need to go to bed though.
Thank you
February 3, 2018 at 9:28 pm #190547LucasParticipantHello, Lisa
Know first that you are supported and cared for here. No one here will cause you any harm or give you unnecessary criticism. We are all here to support one another.
I cannot say that I am completely qualified to give advice, as I myself still struggle with low self-esteem, depression, and occasional suicidal thoughts, but I guess I’ve learned through my time here that this doesn’t necessarily matter.Ā There is no expert degree in life studies, just people that learn from each other and their experiences.
It is very unfortunate to hear that you cannot afford a therapist, but if I may, there are a number of websites where you can talk to others that are going through the exact same thing that you are. Knowing that you are not alone makes the process a little easier if you ask me.
Best of luck to you. I hope you can find time to heal wherever you are in your life.
https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/best-depression-websites-2015-1228154
February 4, 2018 at 5:15 am #190577LisaParticipantI apologize for my many typos in my last post.
Lucas thank you for your kind, supportive and encouraging words and for the link.
I am glad that you also have a place where you can talk about how you feel and feel supported as well.
I hope that I can get to a place where I can contribute to this forum in a way that you, Anita and others do.
February 4, 2018 at 6:17 am #190587AnonymousGuestDearĀ Lisa:
I am glad you answered my two questions. What a relief it is forĀ me to be acknowledged by you, on your thread, that is to be answered. I don’t feel Alone now, on your thread.
You wrote that you look forward to my posts to you because I am one of aĀ handful of people who see something worthwhile in you and actually say itĀ to you. ItĀ is true, I do see you as worthy and will say it again, any time you want to readĀ it.
I am indeed glad you answered me. I am now motivated to respond to you again and again, for as long asĀ you keep posting, for asĀ long asĀ you would like meĀ to.
As to the proof, that your core belief isĀ not true- no one can prove that to you unless they provide a counterĀ experience for you, an experience different that what lead to the formation of your core belief. The proof will look something like this, IĀ imagine: a single man has to pursue you, repeatedly, consistently, reliably. He will have to never criticize you, to alwaysĀ be kind to you. He will have toĀ provide for you so that you are not exposed to other people, so thatĀ your body rests and heals best it can from your many yearsĀ ofĀ hard work. He will have to nurse you when you are sick a ndĀ endure the timesĀ of your distress. He will have to be there forĀ you always. And when you get angry at him (because of oldĀ hurts andĀ old betrayals). he will haveĀ to endure and be kind to you nonetheless. Always.
I don’t think anything less will do, correct? AndĀ even such a saintĀ of a man may not be enough. I don’t know.
There is no arguing with life experience. You really were betrayed by your mother, your father,Ā other family members, andĀ other people throughout your life. This experience formed your core belief, how you feel about life and what you can expect from people. The little acts of kindness that you received andĀ receive, areĀ simply not enough, I don’t think. AreĀ they.
anita
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