Dear Lisa:

You wrote: “When I think of hate I think of something or someone you want nothing to do with… I don’t feel I hate men because I feel I wouldn’t want a relationship with one so badly if I did”. First, by hate, I mean deep, persistent anger. It is my experience that people can be very angry with a person and, at the same time, want to be in a close relationship with the person. The two are not mutually exclusive. The more I wanted, in my personal life, to be loved by a specific person, the more I was angry with that person for not loving me.

You wrote: “I can be quite rude to men and women, especially if I feel they have relationships”- the rude behavior is what I refer to as hateful behavior, (that is, very angry behavior).

You wrote: “When I am rational like I am right now I feel no irritation at the men and women passing me by in the cafe right now”- I understand that you don’t always feel very angry or angry at all at men. No one feels a feeling permanently.

You wrote: “I do agree that I probably give off a vibe of stay away from me”- that is the very angry/hate vibe I was referring to.  “I do agree somewhat that I can be prejudiced against men thinking they are all the same to some extent”- I agree and men are not all the same, any more than women are all the same.

You wrote: “I especially feel that when my emotions are running high or I feel hurt”- this is when our thinking is off, when we are… under the influence of strong emotions.

You wrote: “As someone who didn’t feel heard growing up ..”- I understand your valid, strong need to be heard and I tried throughout this thread to hear you and let you know what I heard, so that you can correct me where I heard wrong, and so that you will feel heard.

You wrote: “I also feel I didn’t have a female mentor of any kind growing up”- I know. It fits with the title of your thread and the theme throughout: “Alone.” It is sad and unfortunate.

And you wrote: “I still think that I can turn it around and find a way out of my loneliness. I just don’t know if I have the tools or the directions on how to make it work”- yes, you can turn things around, find the love you longed for your whole life. And I sure hope you will.

I don’t know what you meant by having “to move on with this thread though”?

You are welcome. If it helps, keep posting and I will keep replying.

anita

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome.

I believe I understand, Lisa. I can see how it is better that you don’t start another project, hoping to improve your life, then give up, abandon it and become angry and depressed. This is not something to look forward to!

Here is a definition of a project: a planned piece of work that has a specific purpose. I you look back at your past projects that failed, maybe you will see that the “specific purpose” in the project was at fault for the project failing every time. Maybe the specific purpose of the project, if you are to embark on one again, can be changed so that the project is doable for you and likely to succeed.

If you would like to develop such a purpose here, on your thread, please do.

(I will be away from the computer for about 16 hours).

anita

Hi Lisa,

Thank you so much for your response.

😉 I can’t always resist negativity, I wish I could. I don’t think you should feal like a failure. You can give up, but you don’t. You post on this forum to look for advise and help, not to complain. You feel a lot of pain but you don’t stop to try. I think that’s admirable ( I always think, Hero’s are people who fail but never stop trying).

I also had trouble with yoga and meditation. I couldn’t find the focus to start and I didn’t know anyone who could help me. I started going to the shooting range. If forced me to focus without confronting any emotions and I couldn’t just walk away if I stood there because there are always other people and it would look very strange If i walked away without shooting first. I did this for a year before starting with yoga. The first lessons I took my yoga teacher told me this was maybe to hard for me and advised me to maybe quit yoga (she didn’t advise me at all) this really made me feel very sad (and like a failure). I was trying so hard be she didn’t even took a minute of her time to help or advise me.

So….I’m not ‘able’  to do this well, even after a few years of yoga I am still trying very hard to not walk away from myself.

If you like, I would love it if we can share some experiences. Maybe also about our pasts but mostly about daily struggles and how you handle things, the things you try etc. For me feeling alone is a really hard subject to talk about because it makes me feel weak and failed (that I’m not able to solve this alone). Is it possible to do this through e-mail? It’s to hard for me to do all of this publicly.

Again thank you for your response and sharing your story (My apologies for my bad English).

Dear Lisa:

You are welcome. I like your idea about coming up with a plan and starting over. Every morning is a starting over, a new day.

I think that for you to get into a healthy physical shape is a good goal for you not for the purpose of attracting men, but so to be healthy and to promote your emotional health. Regarding men, your attitude toward them will turn them off no matter how great your physical shape is. If you want a loving relationship with a man, that attitude needs to change.

You wrote: “I am waiting for someone to prove to me that I am wrong”- so a man starts as Guilty, in your mind, and it is his job to prove himself innocent. In the U.S. Courts a suspects starts, legally, as “innocent until proven guilty”. In Lisa’s court, a man is “guilty until proven innocent.”

It is very important that if you get involved with a man, that he will be a decent man, an honest man who does not look down at women, who is respectful toward others. That kind of a man should not be viewed as “guilty until proven innocent”.

The changing of attitude regarding men that I am suggesting to you is to view men as individuals and evaluate a man as an individual.

If you are not able or willing to evaluate a man as an individual, then you are not ready to consider a loving relationship with a man, dating, that is.

anita

Lisa,

Thank you for your response. It makes me really happy to hear someone say, even though they are experiencing pain, ‘I never want to stop trying, stop learning, stop growing…’. It makes me feel more determent to keep trying.

I respect your choice to just keep posting on a public forum. You shouldn’t do things you are not comfortable with.

For me, concentration and breath are really difficult. A few weeks ago we were experimenting with mantra’s in my yoga class (breathing in 6 sec. and out 6 sec on Ohm namah shivaya). This really triggers me in a negative way. Even though I don’t respond to other music in this way. It makes me feel really angry (I think because it reminds me of people who say that love fixes everything, don’t step in to try and help (a child) and just keep meditating). My feelings are so overwhelming that my heartbeat goes up really fast and I need to quit the exercise. Because I find it difficult I think it is important to keep trying. But I don’t know how. Do you have any experience with this? What do you do when your emotions are getting to much.

I saw a few of your other posts. I sounds like you are trying to change yourself to find a man, is that the right interpretation? I tend to go that direction myself because it’s easier for me to change myself for someone else. Personally I think I (and others) should work on being myself, being happy, doing all kind of things that make me feel good (with or without a man). I think that when your happy you can attract the right kind of people. People who love you for you, and you make that possible by being yourself. Maybe that sounds stupid because until now It didn’t get me a husband but for me it also feels that, at this point in my life, I can’t be really myself all the time (and be confident about it).