prudence,

You did not say how old you are.  You are sad and confused about this relationship and your past relationships.

Have you tried to being on your own for a while, i.e. without a romantic partner/boyfriend?  I suggest you do that for it will give you the experience, the confidence, the emotional strength to know you can stand on your own two feet without having to depend on someone else to validate you, to prop you up.

You have a young child so between taking care of him/her and making a living, I would think that is pretty consuming.  Do you have a circle of friends?  Things that you are interested in, e.g. crafts?  exercise/sports?  volunteer work?  art?  hiking?  school?

Learn more about yourself by looking at all your relationships and find out what are some of the common denominators that are in each one of them.  What are the characteristics of the men you attract?

Good luck,

Mark

Dear prudence:

Welcome back!

“what do  I do wrong in relationships”, you wrote.

Here is something wrong that you did: “I saw pictures of women in his phone,  but I never confronted him coz I didn’t want to sound insecure”-

You should have asked him: who are these women in your phone, you should have confronted him that way, so to get information about what you saw. It is not about you being insecure, it is about the reality of these women in his phone.

In other words, it is wrong, or a better word, ineffective to ignore reality. Better confront reality.

If you asked him about those women, maybe he  would have told you the truth and maybe he would have lied, but even if he lied, you would have the opportunity to ask yourself if his answer makes sense or not. You could have gotten information from him even if what he  would have told you was a lie.

“I also saw a video of a woman and a baby, but I wanted to watch it. He immediately deleted it, it pained me, but I never wanted to ruin the time we were having, so I let it go”-

– same principle, better confront reality. When we ignore reality because it is unpleasant and we don’t want it to be reality, it does not go away. Reality doesn’t accommodate our denial of it.

I didn’t understand the part about the money and him being paid..?

anita

Dear Valora , thank you for your reply

Yes i want a man whose words line up with actions, i want him to be affectionate. You are right i was the wrong one by continuing with him after he ghost me, the guy is just words not actions and that’s a complete deal breaker for me.

But i am afraid to be alone, i am unemployed it will be difficult for me to find new hobbies without money, all i do is just watch TV which later drains my energy, i feel useless and like an embarrassment since i never had any relationship that i can say was good , i feel like a failure in life in general, like the worst was only made for me, nothing best, the only blessing i have is my son, the other things are worst, worst things that always happen to me.

I’m so glad you realized that’s a dealbreaker from you and hopefully you can move on from this guy and find one who will treat you in a more respectful and caring way.

As for being alone and without a lot of money, there are plenty of hobbies that don’t require a ton of money. I’m a single mom with 2 kids, so I get how it feels to not have extra money for things.  Hobbies can be anything from reading books (do you have a local library that allows free membership?), writing blogs, taking walks in nature (trails in the woods or a local park, whatever is outdoors and available for you). I’m not sure how old your son is, but I used to love to kick a soccer ball around with my daughter at the park or climb the slides and swing with her, too.

If you aren’t sure where to start, just Google something like “low-cost hobbies” or “free hobbies” and see what you can come up with for ideas. Try new things. This is EXACTLY why you should stay single right now, because now is the time for you to figure these things out… because it’s also important when you’re in a relationship that you have your own separate hobbies that you can do so that you don’t become codependent in a relationship (which sets a relationship up for failure, basically, even when your partner is also codependent).

If you feel like a failure right now… the good news is that you can change that, but it’s going to take effort. You just have to start trying different things until you find the things you really enjoy… and you’ll know it when you find them because you’ll feel lighthearted and happy and time will just fly by when you do those things. Your mood and feelings about yourself will naturally start to improve as you find and do more of the things you really enjoy.

I’d also definitely spend less time watching TV. That’s been shown to make people feel exactly the way you do, even when watching interesting shows.  Even just finding a book series is a better way to pass time and feel good afterwards.  I love the young adult dystopian ones, like the Hunger Games, as well as self-help books. My mom and sister like the romance novels. Maybe you can find a series you really enjoy, too. There’s a book called “Girl, Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis that people rave over and that one might be helpful for you, too, and you might be able to find it in a free library because it’s been out for a while.

Dear prudence:

This man is not your son’s father but he was afraid that his child’s mother will make a mistake, thinking that your child is also his, did I understand correctly?

I like your answers to my questions. Better never again “let another man play (you)” in any way. At least, you can make sure that the chances that another man plays you are minimal.

“All my relationships have been a failure”, is in the title of your thread, but notice: most relationships in the world fail, often people break up and many of those that continue are quite miserable a lot of the time.

But there is a whole lot you can do to  maximize your chances to  have a successful relationship in the future if you pay attention and not close your eyes wishing-and-hoping it will turn out well, then, because your eyes are closed, you bump into a wall and it is over.

First step is to get to know a man before getting physically involved with him. Get to know him, see if he is decent. There are such men, and you need only one.

Do you have contact with your parents/ family and is any of it good?

anita