Dear Beni:

You acknowledged having a controlling mother but also mentioned an accepting father, stating that although your parents provide physical support, there was a lack of emotional support and interest.

You expressed a desire to break free from the past and take on an adult role in your life but you struggle with comparing your childhood to others’ and feeling that your problems are silly or made up. This self-invalidation prevents you from fully acknowledging your experiences and the impact of these experiences on you. You want to believe that your experiences are valid and that trauma can result from small stresses.

My input today: for young children, stresses and trauma are significant even when as adults looking back and comparing, those stresses look small in comparison to other people’s sufferings.

It is important to understand that children don’t have the same perspective as adults. They don’t have the ability to compare their experiences to others’ and minimize their own trauma. For the child, the stress and trauma they experience are very real and impactful. So, when you are now minimizing your suffering as a child by comparing your suffering to others’- the boy that you were (who is still a big part of you)- did not and does not compare. His emotional sufferings were- are real and significant.

By the way, everything is physical: emotional experiences are physical, involving chemicals that are released into the blood and create physical reactions in our physical bodies, even when such reactions are not evident to the outside.

Also, a child who suffers traumas like natural disasters, wars, crime (such things that seem way bigger- in an adult’s mind- than a child who let’s say suffered from a peer at school who said hurtful things to the child), if they have emotional support from caregivers/ adults, they are likely to end up way less damaged emotionally than a child experiencing a bully in school and having no emotional support from parents or teachers.

Emotional support is crucial to the emotional health of the child. It softens the blows of negative events and experiences. Having no emotional support=> there’s nothing to soften the blows.

I hope this helps explain why childhood stresses and traumas are significant, even if they seem small- in an adult’s mind- in comparison to other people’s suffering.

“so I’m crying for justice but also I’m an adult now. And I want to be the adult in this relationship. I want to break free”- to break free, you will need to get to a point where you no longer compare and minimize and invalidate your childhood sufferings.

It’s a good thing, Beni, that you are actively creating space for yourself. Please create more space for yourself by validating your experiences as a child. This is essential for nurturing your authentic self.

Continue to engage in activities that allow you to express yourself and feel safe, whether it’s volunteering or other pursuits that bring you peace. Your approach to experiencing emotions mindfully, with equanimity and compassion, is commendable. Befriending yourself and accepting your emotions can help reduce internal conflict and foster self-compassion, softening blows in life.

It’s important to find a balance between not pushing yourself too hard and taking gentle steps towards your goals. Small, manageable actions can help you build confidence without overwhelming yourself. Celebrate every small victory along the way.

Building meaningful connections can be challenging, especially with a history of feeling emotionally unsupported. It’s okay to take your time and seek out relationships that align with your values and needs. Trust that authentic connections will come with time and patience.

Your spiritual journey is a valuable path for self-discovery and inner peace. Embrace this journey and allow it to guide you towards a deeper understanding of yourself and your place in the world.

Beni, your awareness and willingness to explore your emotions and experiences are truly admirable. Continue to honor your journey, and know that it’s okay to seek support when needed. You are not alone, and your path towards healing and growth is uniquely yours. Thank you again for sharing, and I’m here for you if you have more thoughts or questions.

anita

Dear Beni:

You’re very welcome! Take all the time you need to let it sink in. I’m here whenever you want to reach out.

Sending you love and best wishes

anita