After he cheated and did other things I want to leave but I can't

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 11 months ago by Mark.

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January 19, 2018 at 12:30 pm #187633

Reve
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Hey everyone, I don’t exactly know why I am writing here today but I think it is the need of talking about this issue after all that time.

So I am now 22 year old girl, I am in a relationship with that guy who is two years younger than I am (he’s 20). We’ve been together for two years now (since December 2015). He is my first boyfriend ever. I had never dated nor had sex, kissing whatever intimate experience with anyone before.

From the very beginning, I was very involved in this relationship, when we got together after talking for about a month and half mainly through facebook (even though the guy studies with me at same uni same major). I love him, I used to love him deerly, crazily, the whole huge thing. We said we had feelings for each other quite early in the relationship, we hang out together often, we do enjoy each other’s company, we understand each other well, I mean it is all fine, and it has always been that way, if you put things he’s done apart. But from the very beginning too I noticed he was REALLY into girls, I mean all guys kind of are, but when I say he was into girls, I mean he was the type you could tell was looking even though he was with me, when we would go out he would openly check on girls and even tell me oh that girl’s hot things like that, also we would often bump into girls he used to know but never really introduces me properly to them, and he would often get nervous, also since we study in the same campus somtimes we would walk past girls I know he is friends with but he would never talk to them when I was there. I have always been a bit suspicious when it comes to girls, but I was always saying he would never cheat he loves me too much plus I give him all he wants in terms of sex, we do whatever he wants, even though in my country it is badly seen to do that. I love him so I gave him my heart and my body. I

t has always bothered me that he was still very close to his ex girlfriend, he would even send me pictures of her new boyrfriends and tell me if they look like him, etc. I got to meet her at a music concert and she said she was glad to meet me but it was all weird. Still I was convinced he would never cheat on me even though I knew nothing about his friends or he hangs out with or his past. We would often argue very badly when I would ask that he talks to me about his ex and all because at times I would feel that he wasn’t completely over her, he would become very aggressive and not talk to me for days saying I am paranoid and jalous of the said ex, and that I had a problem when it comes to girls.

Until september 2017, I thought he was the kind affectionate boyfriend type, but one day at the beach, he decided to reveal to me that in almost two years of relationship he cheated on me with five other girls, the first one he said was in december 2015 when we just started dating because to him it wasn’t clear if we were together or not, the 2nd one was a girl at the new years eve who let him have his first experience (he lied to me saying he had done it several times before to convince me to do it with him), the 3rd one was his ex in march 2016, the 4th one was some girl a friend of his hooked him up with for a one night stand, the 5 th one was one of his cousin’ friends that he said proposed to him to do it so he didn’t refuse. In addition to all of these, he said he would often talk dirty on social media with A LOT of girls.

After that I was shocked by the revelations because yeah I knew he was really into girls but I never suspected he’d cheat, he said he had changed and he stopped doing what he was doing and that he regrets it and all of that, and that he didn’t mean to hurt me because he just loves me, and the fact that he’s cheated doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me. After he cried and was very hurt at the beach, I decided I wouldn’t leave him because I love him, even though I didn’t trust him.

Weeks after the revelations, he says again that he didn’t say everything the first time he confessed, and says that he would often so dirty skyping with girls in the past, and that he once took a girl to the beach aiming for more after it.

Since then I have never stopped thinking about what he did to me, I have never been very confident, so needless to say that those revelations crushed me, and made me even less confident, I started stalking these girls on social media everyday, and comparing myself EVERY SINGLE DAY, thinking I am bigger than them, I am not as pretty, etc.

A while after that he reveals to me that he had spoken to his friends in details about what we would intimately do together, and as I said we study together, so those guys knew what I had under my shirt and what I did with my boyfriend without me knowing, more than that, with me talking to them everyday like it was nothing. I felt dumb and I felt like I was a bad easy girl, I know it may sound weird but I felt used.

I can’t get past what he has done, deep inside I want to leave him but I can’t, because I feel like no one would ever want me or love me, because as I said I am not confident nor do I find myself pretty, but also because despite of all what he has done I still love him and can’t let go of him.

I am feeling trapped, and I really can’t neither forgive him and get over it, nor leave this relationship.

Sorry for the long message

January 19, 2018 at 2:19 pm #187673

Mark
Participant

It must be hard to know that you have been treated poorly and that you cannot do anything about it.

I believe for all of us is how we value ourselves is reflected with the people we have in our lives.

I believe that if I value myself then I would not tolerate someone who mistreats me.

It sounds like that is really hard to do for you. I get that. You are young. He is your first romantic relationship. You are still trying to figure out who you are, how you fit into this world, and how other people are.

I see every relationship is a learning opportunity about ourselves.

If you want advice, I am sure you will get plenty; from here and from your real life friends and family.

I believe it will be useful for you to understand who you are. If you don’t know what your core values are, what is important to you, what you stand up for and what you will not tolerate then dealing with life and the people in your life will be hard and confusing.

For me, it is about loving myself. For me, it is about integrity and honesty. For me, it is trusting that I am enough and that I am lovable.

I wish you love and peace.

January 20, 2018 at 4:04 am #187717

Eliana
Participant

Hi Reve,

I’m sorry that this has happened to you, it hurts, I know. My first love cheated on me twice. I guess what they say is true, once a cheater, always a cheater. I was devasted. We were engaged. Like you, however, I was very young, only 19, and not ready for all the responsibilities, and to cope with the conflicts of a relationship. It was doomed from the start. What’s worse, it took years for me to get over the pain of losing him. He has gotten married, has kids with her, it was an unhappy marriage he said, and he came over out of the blue one day and told me he wanted to see if “we could get the old spark back, that he still cared for me, and missed me”. I told him to leave. I will not put up with a man, who lies, cheats, and who I can not trust, and neither should you.

The first step, to gaining self-esteem and confidence is to leave the relationship. You are loveable, but you must love yourself first before someone will respect and love you. I know it will be very difficult, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be, and the more miserable you will become.

After you end things. Be single for awhile. You don’t need a man to make you happy. To things for you. Take classes, do some volunteer work, try something new, join a book club, join the YMCA. It is when we are happy with our lives and ourselves, that we start attracting good things in our lives, including relationships. When you do meet another man, get to know him first. Be his friend. Don’t start off quickly. You have to build a foundation of friendship otherwise, the relationship will not survive. When you start pursuing hobbies, and enjoying being single, that is how you regain self-love, esteem and confidence. x

January 20, 2018 at 5:18 am #187725

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Reve:

It is a trap: to be in a physically, emotionally intimate relationship with a man you don’t trust. It is even more difficult when the man really is not worthy of trust. So you are with him knowing he may be with another woman later in the day or night, or tomorrow. Or he may be messaging women later on, sexual stuff.

It is a trap, absolutely, to be physically intimate with a man, knowing that what is happening between you and him may become public knowledge once again. So that what is happening, is not only between you and him.

And what is it, that is happening between the two of you, I ask myself reading your share. Something is happening in your mind, but it is not the same something that is happening in his mind.

Maybe in your mind, in this relationship, he is your focus, what you value most. But in his mind, it may be sex that is his focus, what he values most. What do you think?

anita

January 20, 2018 at 8:23 am #187737

Inky
Participant

Hi Reve,

This is your first romantic experience. But now it is time for another first experience: the First Time YOU Break Up with Someone.

It is freeing. It is empowering. It will be so wonderful because HE gets to cry, HE gets to see the error of his ways, and YOU will be the One Who Got Away.

And guess what? That Aura will surround you and envelop you. You will have someone else before you know it. Someone better. Someone who instinctively will sense what you WON’T put up with.

Blessings!

Inky

January 22, 2018 at 1:14 am #187979

Reve
Participant

Thank you for you answers!

What if he is the only one who ever was interested in me? I mean I didn’t have a boyfriend until 20 and he is the first one.

I can’t find the strength to breakup. Every time I think about breaking up this thought comes to mind: who will I talk to when I get home? Who will ask me how was my day? Who will ever call me at night and chit chat until we sleep? Who will I enjoy going out with like I do with him?

It may seem overly dramatic, but I am an introvert and I am not the type that has hundreds of friends

January 22, 2018 at 4:39 am #187997

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Reve:

The main issue for you then, is not his cheating or sharing intimate things about you to strangers. The main issue is your fear of being alone again.

You don’t “seem overly dramatic” to me, only fearful of being alone yet again.

Maybe it will help if you share next about that alone-experience. I remember it very well in my own life, the quality of time was such that it seemed endless, a never ending loneliness, like time stood still. Did you experience that… ?

anita

January 22, 2018 at 8:46 am #188075

Jojo
Participant

Dear Reve,

I pray that you find the courage to see your self worth.

I just got out of a similar situation. I’m 25, we met when i was 22. He was 1 year younger than me. We were in the relationship for 3 years. It was my first real relationship. I was so into him, he made me laugh, we had the best times. Year one, I found out he cheated. I was so devastated, it crushed me so hard because one of my core values was to never accept a man cheating on me. I was stuck between my values and the man I loved, he beg and cried and said it would never happen again. I forgave him, I thought I could change him but TRUST ME once a cheater always a cheater. Two years in, he continued to do it, it got so worse. He was so into girls and how they looked and he told me girls would come on to him and he had no choice. I started to turn a blind eye to it but it still hurt me because I knew what he was doing.

I was so afraid of being alone, I was afraid of what others would think. Everyone knew we were together, his family and friends knew me and vise versa. I didn’t go out much, I didn’t have a lot of friends, he was my best and closest friend. I stayed in it for three years because I thought it would get better. I knew he had love for me so i figured that he would realized my worth and treat me better. He never did, he just got good at hiding his cheating and faking the good life with me. We used to talk about our dreams, our future, kids etc. I was so strong and confident before I met him. Being in that toxic relationship, I started to lose myself, my confidence, my self esteem, my self worth. I was so low that when he cheated on me and I found out, he will break up with me and I will find myself begging him to come back to me just because I didn’t want to be alone.

People would tell me to break up with him, i got so many advises over the years, it wasn’t like I was trying to be stubborn and not listen to them, I just couldn’t imagine a life without him around. I build my whole life and happiness around him. I made him the source of my happiness, I gave him control over me.

He soon realized that I was insecure and had low self esteem so he would do whatever he wanted and come back to me. He was stubborn, controlling and emotionally abusive. It took me a while(3 years) to realize my self worth, I was still with him when I started building myself back up, I started making friends, going out more. I started reading the bible, listening to self empowering videos, reading forums and listening to people who had similar problems.

Fast forward to New years eve 2017 when I ended things for good, I felt so free. I didn’t have any tears to cry because I used them up over the three years. I hope you soon reach to the day that you realize that there are better men out there that will treat you like a queen but more importantly you have to love yourself, to be content with yourself. Know that only you can make yourself happy, everyone else is an addition.

I will continue to keep you in my prayers so God can strengthen your heart and give you that courage.

January 22, 2018 at 10:26 am #188111
Reve
Participant
Jojo I feel like I could’ve written what you said! To answer Anita too, I would say that it is a combination of both, I am scared of being alone, but also scared of losing him because I had him in my life for about 2 years now.

I mean I have given everything to this guy, attention, love, care, even when I asked him why did he cheat? Was it because he wasn’t satisfied with me or felt something was missing, he said no nothing was missing and said it was because of the whole environment and friends he had, like everyone was not in so serious (i.e commited) relationships and had multiple partners etc, so he did as well and said it had nothing to do with me.

My problem is that I feel like even if I leave him, I will still feel sad about both being alone and what he did to me, because during this two years not only he lied to me but he manipulated me like crazy, when we used to talk before I knew he had cheated, he always used to be very aggressive and insulting saying I was paranoid when it came to girls and I had a problem.

I would tell him I can go on therapy if you want, and he used to say you shouldn’t talk about this with anyone but me.

I also feel soooo dumb and manipulated when I remember the moments I met his ex and she pretended like it was nothing, I mean she saw me twice after he cheated on me with her and she knew we were together.

Another thing that drives me insane is the fact that he was telling her (his ex) everything about what we used to do intimately together, EVERYTHING

I can’t process what he did to me, I can’t pretend like it was nothing, I can’t even tell myself I am going to forget about it and be fine, it hurts so much everyday, I compare myself to her and I don’t even know her, let alone the other girls.

I am thinking about therapy maybe that would help, did you guys go on therapy?
- This reply was modified 6 years, 11 months ago by Reve.
January 22, 2018 at 10:41 am #188115

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Reve:

Yes, I went to therapy. If it is quality therapy, it will help you make a choice and come to peace with it. I think it will lead you to realize that no matter how fearful you are of being alone, without him, it is the right thing for you to do, that is, to end the relationship.

I agree with your boyfriend, that his cheating is not about you, not because he is not satisfied with you. On the other hand I don’t believe that he cheated on you because “of the whole environment and friends” he had/ has. I think he cheated on you, and is likely to continue to cheat on you because he likes to have sex with different women.

It is not that he thinks of this or that woman as better than you. He thinks of her as different: a different body to enjoy, a different experience, something new and exciting.

This is not a rare inclination of a young man. It could be worked on, maybe. Problem is the manipulation you mentioned, the lying. Seeing you as troubled as you were over his cheating, he was willing to inflict more pain on you, the pain of confusing you with lies.

Yes, I think quality therapy will help you end this relationship.

anita

January 22, 2018 at 10:51 am #188117

Mark
Participant

Reve,

You can make the decision whether to live your life from fear or from love (for yourself).

You have fear of being alone. You are already “alone” for he is not committed to the relationship and you.

You need help. Therapy will help.

Quit angsting about it. Take charge of your life and go do something to help yourself move into a healthier mindset and life.

Mark
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