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abusive stepfather

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  • March 18, 2019 at 9:41 am #285115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Exur:

    You wrote that you are “asking for help on how I can make myself stronger in what I’m going through mentally and emotionally.. how be mentally and emotionally strong to get through this until I can move out and start my own life the way I want it. PLEASE HELP ME”.

    The part of you that screamed out of the computer screen “PLEASE HELP ME” doesn’t want to live in that house, not a moment longer. She wants to be rescued NOW.

    This part of you, the child within you, doesn’t want to sacrifice herself so that her  mother can continue to live blissfully unaware that her husband, your step father, sexually abused you when you were 15 and lifted your shirt up nine years later, only a few weeks ago.

    The child in you want to be rescued now, and she is pleading: please help me!

    But the grown up part of you wants to stay in that house for now and find a way, or ways to be strong enough. It is similar to a prisoner asking: how can I be strong enough to live in prison, or a person in a hurricane zone asking: how can I survive this devastation that is happening around me?

    My answer: people survive all kinds of horrendous circumstances, including prison and abusive homes. But the price they pay is enormous. You already paid an enormous price: “I was adventurous. I was fearless”, and now, you see yourself “as a paralyzed weakling, it felt like my wings were slashed off”.

    We survive all kinds of situations paying a very high price.

    Leave that house now, before you become more of “a paralyzed weakling”. Gather the strength you still have, and with the help of your boyfriend, if he is indeed your best friend and partner, and with the help of qualified others, leave!

    The financial advantage of living at home, just like the financial advantage of marrying a man who makes a better income than your current boyfriend, is of no benefit to you when you remain in a living situation that will bring you to a lifetime of a poor life experience.

    “PLEASE HELP ME”-

    Help yourself, get the help you need, move out ASAP. Do not remain in this prison you are living in- you don’t have to!

    Do not sacrifice your well being for your mother’s. She will be okay once you leave, really!

    Consider suing your step father/ the man who sexually abused and is abusing you once you live away, if that is a legal option.

    And please do post again, I would like to read more from you.

    anita

    March 18, 2019 at 10:00 am #285117
    Mark
    Participant

    Exur,

    I totally agree with anita.  MOVE OUT NOW!

    You are living with and being controlled by a sexual predator and abuser.

    He is a criminal, a breaker of the law.

    You are giving him “permission” to abuse you some more by staying there.  Do not allow him that access to you anymore.

    Please let us know how that lands for you.  Consider reaching out to local and online resources for sexually abused women as well.

    Mark

    March 18, 2019 at 11:02 am #285125
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Exur,

    I know this is scary, but I want you to collect every scrap of important document you have: Social security card, birth certificate, drivers license. On your way to work get a safety deposit box and store them there. Then go to a women’s shelter. You are an abused woman. Also, and this part is optional… make arrangements to MAYBE stay with (AND TELL) your best friend and/or boyfriend.

    You have your own bank account, yes? While you are in your safe space, quit your old job and find a new job. This will make it harder to find you. Also get your own car as soon as you’re able.

    If/When your parents find you, remember, YOU have power over Mr. Creep. You can say, “Do you want to tell Mom, or should I?” That should safely shut him up. Tell your mother you are a grown azz woman and it’s NORMAL to be independent and out of the house. (I would tell her myself. In fact, I did blow the whistle on my uncle, The Creep. Was I the black sheep? Yes. Am I still the black sheep? You bet. But for me, it was totally worth it.)

    Stay Strong!

    Inky

    March 18, 2019 at 9:10 pm #285229
    Exur
    Participant

    I really am grateful for all your messages.
    I’ve been keeping this inside for a very long time, it just made me feel better to have this outlet in expressing my thoughts and asking opinions without fear of judgement.

    It made me realize that what he did a few weeks ago was a sign from the universe that I needed to do something about all of this. If not for that, I wouldn’t reconsider the life I’m living now.

    His controlling attitude towards me made me think that he’s doing it on purpose to hold me back from achieving independence. I’m guessing he’s avoiding for it to happen because once I’m independent and able enough, I might consider suing him.

    I never considered suing anyway even 9 years ago, when he apologized and told me not to send him to the police because if that happens, he won’t be able to support us financially and I will lose a father. The memories were still vivid in that car, how I wanted to just open the car door and jump out to kill myself. Even years after, I still get anxious in getting to the car with him alone. Now after the recent incident, I just refuse to get in the car with him alone, even if it confuses my mother.

    I know I have to get out here ASAP but I just don’t have the concrete steps yet. I only have roughly $1k on my bank account. I’m only working on a freelance online job which pays me more than an office job that’s why I prefer it, but and a week from now this job will be over and I would have to find another to sustain my funds. I’m considering working in another country but I’m not financially capable for that, which means I would still ask from him and that would definitely keep me in debt, but has more advantage than just staying in the same town.

    We’re still not talking up to now and its ridiculous how we walk past each other inside the house. I just wanna know what should I do about it, whether I should just be kind or continue ignoring it.

    March 18, 2019 at 10:12 pm #285239
    Mark
    Participant

    Call RAINN, the sexual assault resource center.  800-656-HOPE (4673).

    They can advise you to protect yourself and to extract yourself from this predator.

    Mark

    March 19, 2019 at 8:41 am #285279
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Exur:

    You are welcome. I re-read your original post and your second post. I want to quote you and comment:

    “I know my parents want the best for me”- this man you are living with (your mother’s husband) wants what feels best for him, not what is best for you. What feels best for him is having power over you and over anyone else in his home and in his life.

    “(I) have always given the respect my parents deserve”- this man does not deserve your respect (and I didn’t read anything that indicates that your mother deserves your respect).

    “she (your mother) got pregnant with their 1st child so he took responsibility of it, as what he’d always want to stress  out”- he stresses it  out so to have power-over your mother and over you. I wonder if he sexually abused or is still abusing your half sibling who is 18 now, or any child who lives or visits the home.

    “I will never let my mother know about it (the sexual abuse), it would be just too much for her to take”- you may be surprised. She may reject you, not him, if you told her what he did. She may already know, or suspect. Maybe she places money above all else, just like he does.

    “He’s always been overprotective”- not when he availed himself to your body.

    “I told my parents about it, my dad..”- time to  not refer to him as a dad. Once he sexually abused you the first time, he lost the title. Don’t you think?

    “They (your mother and the man she married) were very judgmental and critical… I feel so judged.. He and my mother always think that we’ll go have sex somewhere… they judge me all the time”- he was not critical of his own behavior, didn’t judge it as bad behavior, did he. And your mother, did she ever express any criticism of her husband?

    “It (your mother’s husband lifting up your shirt a few weeks ago) just turned me into that voiceless, terrified version of me 9 years ago.. I tried my best to pretend it didn’t happen”- I hope you don’t go back to pretending it didn’t happen. Because it did happen.

    “I made stupid decision in the past” – and none of your stupid decisions justify this man’s sexual abuse of you and continuing to have power over you.

    “I love my mother”- more than she loves you.

    “I never considered suing (your mother’s husband)”- consider it, see a lawyer for consultation on the matter.

    “he apologized and told me not to send him to the police because if that happens, he won’t be able to support us financially and I will lose a father”- I don’t think the police will do anything because you are an adult and there is no proof. This is why a civil action (suing him for financial compensation) makes more sense than a criminal action, if that is available where you live.

    And again, I think he lost his title, dad or father.

    “I know I have to get out here ASAP but I just don’t have the concrete steps yet”- plan the first concrete steps today and make it happen, today.  Your financial considerations, such as having just so much money in the bank, are not reasonable considerations in a situation where lack of your own money is used to harm your emotional/ physical health.

    “it’s ridiculous how we walk past each other inside the house. I just wanna know what should I do about it, whether I should just be kind or continue ignoring it”- neither, leave ASAP.

    anita

     

     

     

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