**Long post ahead**

Im turning 24 soon. I know my parents want the best for me, but they seem to hold me back from the choices I make. I’m in a healthy relationship for more than a year with an amazing guy and have always given the respect my parents deserved, yet they don’t seem to welcome him at home. They have always expressed how they prefer a guy who will be a good provider. They think my boyfriend is financially incapable even having a stable regular job as a software programmer.. As for me, times have changed and now and as a woman of this generation, I much prefer a man who can be my best friend and partner at the same time. My parents, especially my father think it’s absurd and thinks love is overrated, they believe that it’s not enough and continues to discourage me, even to the point of making my life miserable because I’m being “stubborn”; which is why I wrote this letter.

I didn’t write this letter for a love advice. This is more of like me asking for help on how I can make myself stronger in what I’m going through mentally and emotionally. I grew up loving the outdoors as a kid, I dreaded always staying at home. I was adventurous. I was fearless. However, that part of me slowly subsided when my mother brought me to a new town, to marry my step-dad (she got pregnant with their 1st child so he took responsibility of it, as what he’d always want to stress out). I was around 6 and I grew up close to my stepdad, I considered him my real dad ever since. He was a self-made man, and has always financially supported his and my mother’s side of the family and of course us with my mother, which I think made him realize he had all the power to do what he wished even to the point of sexually abusing me. I wouldn’t go into much details. It’s too much for me to write it all in and I feel terrible going back to it all over again and I’m avoiding to have a breakdown, i still have anxiety attacks and my hands are even shaking just writing this down.. I was 15.

For the past few years, I distracted myself and made myself forget that it happened. Kind of like a box buried under the ground. But that was all it was…. buried. I never told anyone about it even until this day, and even if I would.. I will never let my mother know about it, it would be just too much for her to take.

He’s always been overprotective even when I went to college. I dated my girl bestfriend in secret. I was having an identity crisis. It felt like it was the only thing I had control of, and I was sexually active with her… maybe because it helped me keep the tragic incident buried, thinking it will go away. Eventually it was an unhealthy relationship but fortunately I was still able to focus on my studies. I didn’t go out as much because I wanted to be the good student and good daughter “making my parents proud” sh*t, at least that’s what I made myself believe. Deep inside, I’ve always wanted to experience the perks of being in college, but I feared and avoided being judged by my parents and wanted to please them so I kept on putting up the honor student card until I graduated. I left university with a lot of “what ifs” in mind… I felt like I didn’t even enjoyed it as much as my friends did. I missed out a lot of things but still my friends considered me as the life of the party, too bad I wasnt in all of it.

A few weeks before my graduation, I felt overwhelmed by this feeling of false freedom so I dated a guy online. Never met him in personal but when I told my parents about it, my dad reacted negatively and even if he turned out to be right (the guy had a kid and lied about his relationship so we broke it off anyway).. the way he approached the situation was traumatic.. even smashed my phone on the floor. He was triggered when I said something about “privacy” so he threw it hard on the floor screaming how dare I say those things while I’m still under his roof. That’s when he made me promise that I wouldn’t date until I’m 25, in exchange he will buy me a new phone.. and so I did, for the phone. I didn’t realize by then how manipulative that was.

I told myself once I get my first job, I’ll get to do the things I wished I did for a long time now that I was a fullblown adult. But in the back of my mind, I didn’t want them to worry much so when I found a job that was a few minutes walk away from the house, I felt lucky. Turns out, I hated my job and even got myself in a dreadful situation with an engaged guy who made a fool out me.. made me believe he and his gf were in rocky roads so he would have my sympathy and eventually he got me under his skin and we secretly dated briefly, also note that it wasn’t a sexual affair. I had to stress this out since my father wanted to really make sure nothing happened between us every time he talks about it, which was always dreadful and puts me in a vulnerable situation.

When he found out about everything, it gave me traumas once again, worse this time. All the while I was working, he investigated the whole thing behind my back, even went out his way to get to one of the employees there to spy on me. He talked with the guy’s fiance behind my back. He also made sure I’ll be out of the job as soon as possible so he wrote the resignation letter himself with my mother.. I was too overwhelmed and crushed to do anything, let alone writing a resignation letter. Even if my father was right all along, I still wished I was able to do things my own way with them just guiding me through. But instead he did it all himself because he didn’t trust me well enough to handle it (which I now understand since I made a lot of stupid decisions beforehand, but still not enough reason to be treated as such). Clearly, he didn’t give me a chance to be strong in facing my own life’s tribulations. He wanted to be the hero which I think was expected, but I felt like he did it so I’ll lose confidence of myself in being my own hero and continue to depend on him. The worst thing is that It made me see myself as a paralyzed weakling, it felt like my wings were slashed off.

I spent my time healing for almost a year. Afterwards, I found a new office job and I somehow felt peace since I worked with my college best friends. This was also where I met my present boyfriend. I was cool with it at first and it felt good working with my friends whom my parents trust, but I realized it felt like I was still trapped under my father’s control. It’s just painfully undeniable until the present. Note that when my parents knew I was dating, once again they reacted negatively which I tried to understand since of what happened to me in the past. They were very judgmental and critical and made me break up with him… So I lied to shut the issue and hid our relationship from my parents for a year, although my closest friends and some of my aunts knew about it.. I just felt like I had to protect what we both had.

Ever since they knew about the truth and how serious our relationship is, my father has been making my life difficult. I feel so judged every time I ask permission to go out with my boyfriend. He and my mother always think that we’ll go have sex somewhere which is not going to happen since I wanted to save it for marriage and my bf clearly respects it and is willing to wait. I rarely get out of the house because of my homebased job, so when I decide to go out it’s because I very much need it to breathe some air. When I ask permission to do it whether its with my friends or with my bf, they judge me all the time and make me feel guilty about it. It makes me feel trapped, not just physically but emotionally and mentally. They think it’s the best to hold me back and make me listen and do what they want out of my life and since Im not up for that, they think I deserve this treatment.

I still get flashbacks every single day from those days when I was abused and it just worsens because just a few weeks ago, he tried to pull my shirt up late at night while I was sleeping and I was horrified. I pretended to be asleep but deep inside I just wanted to disappear and never be seen again. It just turned me into that voiceless, terrified version of me 9 years ago for the 1st time after so many years. I tried my best to pretend it didn’t happen all this time. I temporarily switched bedrooms and sleep in my aunt’s bedroom. We’ve been hardly talking and walk past each other in the house like we don’t exist. IT’S A FUCKING HELL IN HERE.

I’m just having a hard time finding out my life purpose and be the best version of myself with them treating me like this. I made stupid decisions in the past and learned from it, learned from their mistakes as well but they just continue to define those mistakes within my identity. My mother tries to understand but she just gets carried away by his manipulation. I just don’t know why he is doing this to me.. Clearly he knows that he abused me in the past and I can use it against him. It kills me what situation my mother is in right now, not knowing everything. But speaking up would would just ruin everything and I never want to do that, I’d rather disappear.

I love my mother, and I’d rather have her and my family see me as the black sheep who went against my father than to ruin everything. I just need to know how be mentally and emotionally strong to get through this until I can move out and start my own life the way I want it. PLEASE HELP ME.